Colonic Hydrotherapy: Everything you need to know about bum cleaning

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Poop-Emoji colonic irrigation scouse bird

Brace yourselves. I’m talking poop. I’ve recently been inducted into the world of colonic hydrotherapy and like it or not, I’m gonna tell you all about it.

It’s one of those things I’ve always been interested in having done but never really got round to sorting it – I mean who knew I’d try and put off literally having the shit sucked out of me ay?

That being said, the colon, especially with all the crap we eat, can retain up to 14lbs of poo. That’s a whole stone of crap just sitting off, uninvited in your bowels. Nu-uh honey, you about to be served your eviction notice.

I visited Joanne Willcox Clinic over in Chester (based in the wonderfully regal Crabwall Manor) – this lady has seen more poo than a mother of 10. She’s forgotten more about shit than Gillian McKeith has even known and she’ll be able to tell you everything you eat merely by taking a cursory glance at your colonic waste.

The treatment

The treatment involves stripping from the waist down and Joanne inserts a well-lubricated tube up your poop shoot (it’s a bit weird, but I’m sure your fella’s ex will be able to tell you all about how anal invasion feels). She then controls water flowing up through your large intestine to basically wash it out. Then she stops the flow of water until you feel a tightening and that’s when she knows; she’s hit a wall of poop and you my friend, are impacted. She repeats this process until the constipated back passage is all free and lovely and released. At the end of the treatment you leg it to the very conveniently located toilet and have the best poo of your life. It’s like one of those boss ones where you feel dead empty afterwards… but better.

What does your colonic reveal?

You’d be surprised what you can find up there: Whole mushrooms (they don’t digest), old meat, parasites (little worms – they’re surprisingly common, especially if you go travelling a lot) and of course, my fave, yeast webbing. If you eat or drink anything with yeast in (I’m looking at you wine and bread) then it creates a kind of white web-like coating all along your bowels that can slow down your digestion and make you really bloated. Gin and vodka on the other hand are distilled and just go straight through… they’re practically good for you. I swear once you’ve seen the dreaded white webbing you’ll think twice before prosecco and toast ever passes your lips again. Balk.

How much weight can I lose from a colonic?

Colonic hydrotherapy can treat a number of things; IBS, stress, digestion problems etc but the one most people go for is the weight loss thing, although technically it isn’t a weight loss therapy. How much weight you can lose during the treatment varies and depends on how many treatments you have and how ‘impacted’ you are. For the first treatment Joanne may not be able to get the water very far up the colon if you have a blockage, so the first treatment is very much about breaking that down. Then with each treatment she can work further and further along until the whole system is clear. As I mentioned, it can hold up to 14lbs of crap, so you could lose up to a stone. I’ve had two treatments and after the first one I was down 3lbs and a further 2lbs after the second one. I haven’t felt bloated at all, and much to my fella’s joy, I haven’t been nearly as windy.

Where can I get a colonic?

I’m sure there are several places you can get it done but I can’t attest to those. I had mine done with the wonderful Joanne, whom I’ve affectionately named the Queen of Shit, at the gorgeous Crabwall Manor in Chester. It’s a lovely secluded spot, off the beaten track and the hotel is the most wonderful place. It looks like a castle. Once you’ve had your treatment you’re free to use the spa facilities like the pool so it’s like having a full day retreat. You can even book online so you don’t have to ring up and go, “Excuse me, I’d like to book in for a bumhole cleaning please.”

What’s the aftercare like?

Joanne is also a qualified nutritionist (as well as doing Chinese cupping, glycolic peels and making the most amazing candles… honestly, she’s such a busy little bee) so she can advise you on what to eat (spoiler: LOADS OF FISH) and she even offers juice cleanses. Rest assured if you follow her advice, your colon will be beautiful and lovely forevermore.

So yeh anyway, hope you’ve enjoyed learning all about my back passage and hope it’s encouraged you to take better care of your own… for more info, get in touch with Joanne, she’s boss.

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