Ever had one of those nights when you’re getting ready and absolutely NOTHING goes right? You’re not alone…
7:00pm Okay, so I’ve just got out of the shower and I’ve got two hours until I need to be ready. TWO WHOLE HOURS, wow I am so prepared tonight. I can just take my time getting ready, listen to some tunes, have a drink… I’ll probably be ready really early, if anything.
7:01pm I may as well have a little relax on my bed while I let my hair towel dry a bit. Might just check Twitter. And Instagram. And YouTube. OOH, a new smokey eye tutorial. That looks easy. I might give that a go tonight.
7:31pm Oops, half an hour wasted! This is fine, still plenty of time. No stress, let’s just have a little sip of this vodka while I start getting ready. Right, shall I start my makeup or hair first? I think I’ll go with my base first, then my hair, then come back and add to the base, and then do the rest of my makeup. Perfect plan. God, I am brilliant at time keeping tonight.
7:39pm Base done! I just look like I do every day though, maybe I should go a bit more intense with the contour? The club is dark after all, and I need my Kim K skills to be seen.
7:45pm Well, this is not bloody working. How do the drag queens on Ru Paul’s Drag Race always manage to make this look so good? Never mind, I’ll come back to it. Now time to dry my hair.
8:00pm Oh god, that took forever and it now resembles a giant frizz ball. Why didn’t I wash my hair earlier to give it time to settle? Ah well, shoulda woulda coulda.
8:01pm Fantastic, all of the heat from my hairdryer has melted my foundation and contouring off. I now look like one of the contestants on Ru Paul, but when they’ve been crying and their big man faces are coming through. Wonderful.
8:09pm Right, base sort of fixed. Now back to my hair. Curly or straight, curly or straight..? Curly I think, more glam to make up for the fact that my contouring is so not on point.
8:14pm God it’s so boring separating hair and doing it all in bits. Sip sip, stop for a little check on Twitter.
8:22pm Curling complete! Aaaaaaand I look like Honey Boo Boo. Why did I curl it? I look like such a try-hard. Errrrgh.
8:23pm I’m going to straighten it. It’s fine, I have GHDs – they were made for straightening naturally curly hair, so I’m sure they’ll cope with this just fine. Maybe I shouldn’t have used so much hairspray though, is that crispy sizzling sound normal?
8:30pm Oh god, what a bad idea that was. My hair’s now gone all slick and limp. I look like Severus Snape. THIS IS SO NOT KIM K. I’ll try curling the ends to give it a bit of something again.
8:35pm My hair is just shit.
8:36pm I’ll finish my makeup; my hair might look better once that’s done. Right, let me get that YouTube tutorial back up so I can try this smokey eye. I don’t have that palette she’s using… or that amount of brushes… but it’s fine, I’m sure this Collection quad and the little applicator that comes with it will dobasically the same thing.
8:41pm I’m confused. The girl in the video looks all sultry and glamorous; why do I look like I have a black eye? I’ll just blend it out.
8:43pm That hasn’t worked. Half of my face is black. I look like I’m wearing one of those masks that burglars wear in cartoons. ABORT MISSION, where are the facewipes?
8:44pm Right, I suppose I’ll do lips rather than eyes tonight. Need to make it a bold colour. Red is always a safe bet. Ergh, but red lips won’t go with my dress. Maybe I shouldn’t wear that dress?
8:46pm I fake tanned last night but I still look SO pale. Maybe it’s just the light in this room? Let me go and check in the bathroom.
8:47pm No, I am DEFINITELY pale. I need to apply some instant tan. I’ll just have to try to blend it into my neck as best as possible and hope nobody notices my face is a different colour… Is it supposed to rain tonight?
8:55pm Okay, I am a bronzed goddess. I look so much skinnier, hurray! Time to sit down in the mirror and put my false eyelashes on – this takes a LOT of concentration.
9:00pm OH MY GOD, WHY WON’T YOU STICK DOWN?!
9:02pm Fantastic, I’m already late. I’ll just text my mate… “On my way x”… That should bide me some time.
9:04pm One lash on – success! I feel I have the technique down now, the second will be much easier.
9:09pm The other lash is now wonky AND the original has started to flap. Whatever, I’m just going to apply loads more liquid eyeliner and hope nobody notices.
9:11pm ARGH. While I’ve been kneeling down, the backs of my knees have got sweaty and now my fake tan has rubbed off! Need to apply some more to the backs of my knees.
9:13pm Now it’s sweating off because I’m stressed! I can also feel my eyelash poking me in the corner of my eye. If I leave it could it give me conjunctivitis? MORE STRESS. I’ll get the hairdryer and hairdry my legs.
9:17pm Okay, I can’t risk the tan rubbing off onto my clothes yet. I’ll just have to sit here patiently on my bed naked until I feel less sticky.
9:33pm Time to get dressed. Wow, I’ve really not done bad for time when you think about it, and the stress will all be forgotten once I’ve had a few drinks with my friends and we’ve gone to a couple of bars. Actually, I am SO pumped for tonight; it’s going to be so fun – and I’m definitely going to get a new profile pic out of it. WOO, PARTY TIME!
9:35pm I look fat. Fuck this, I’m not going.