Being a Sassy Bird is complicated, not only do we have a strict set of commandments to live by – there’s a whole sub-section dedicated just to our beauty regime. Guest writer Nancy Buckland talks us through the must do’s and absolute no no’s of being a Liverpool lady.
1) The Scouse Beauty is aware of trends but will only give them the nod if they fit in with a look that screams glamour. So the ‘defined’ brow that the fash pack stole from us is still OK, this incoming trend for the ‘normcore natural beauty’ look is to be swerved.
2) Scouse Beauty Rules allow for a defined lip line. However, using a brown eye pencil and a nude lipgloss is not allowable.
3) Perfect Scouse skin should be the result of a healthy diet, drinking lots of water, and a luminous glow from being in love. However if you have just had a Domino’s, two Chanel bags full of vodka and are having a gobshite-related meltdown, then you need: primer, under-eye concealer, illuminating concealer, BB cream, CC cream and three shades of powder. And that’s just to go the shop for a Curly Wurly.
4) Scouse Beauties love their appliances. Obviously you need big rollers, velcro rollers, big heated rollers, straighteners, laser hair removal pens, and one of those things that look like a big globe on a stick that you stick in frizz and it comes out big and bouncy. And this is just hair-related. If you are talking head-to-toe we need a sit down.
5) Scouse Beauty means a golden glow. Well, you have a golden glow when it is snowing and people can only see the tips of your nose. Winter requires a bronzed glow, and anything where the sun is out and people start wearing bra tops to go the Asda you need chocca-mocha. However, this does not permit the allowance of streaky ankles. They are for amateurs. And wools. A true Scouse Beauty may win the Lottery and install her own spray tan booth, but she will still be on nodding terms with the staff in Home and Bargain, so she can get tip-offs about deliveries of……well you know which tan I mean.
6) Scouse Beauties do not like to get to that comfortable stage in a relationship where the lucky man in question gets to see her between eyelash extension/hair extension/did you really think these are my natural lip? appointments. Get up early and slap everything on before he wakes up, and take it off at night when he is asleep. Do not think of this as work. You can do a lot of internet shopping waiting for the sound of snoring to start.
7) Scouse Beauties do not cut their hair off when a relationship ends. They just go longer and bigger. Revenge is a dish best served by a big haired stunner.
8) Scouse Beauty Rules have an added addendum for special occasions which can range from a Friday night out after work, to getting married and everything in between. This is a military-like campaign, obviously notarised in your The Sassy Bird Diary, so that you don’t attempt to tan and wax at the same time. You also need to stock up on true grit as everything from teeth whitening to fat freezing can leave you in some level of pain.
9) Scouse Beauty Rules mean that when it comes to birthdays, Christmas, and any other ‘special’ day you can give your beauty routine over to a professional and come out feeling ‘properly’ made-up. Don’t worry if they have put too much slap on. You can always add a bit more before you go out.
10) Sassy Bird Rules are not just to be followed at home but also wherever you travel around the globe, so you can spread the glamour and sparkle that every Sassy Bird glistens with. So if you look like the odd-one out in Oz, feel like one-on-your-own in Hoxton or downright underdone in Vegas, never ever try and go native. You were born a Sassy Bird, and you will stay that way. The only time you can be seen sans-slap is for charity. And that’s because a Sassy Bird’s heart is bigger than her carry case.