This week, the Guardian wanted to know why everyone is so angry about the return of the kitten heel. Are they messing? Well Guardian, let me tell you…
18 reasons why kitten heels make us angry
1. They’re Tory AF – Theresa May is the poster child for them and that speaks volumes.
2. It’s like half an inch off the ground – there’s literally no point. What good is that doing anyone?
3. They doesn’t elogate the leg and make it appear slimmer – as if the insult of ugly shoes wasn’t bad enough, they want us to have dumpy calves as well.
4. Your nan loves them. Your nan. She’s good for shoving fivers into your hand while your mum isn’t looking and telling you simultaneously that you’re too fat and you’re not eating enough, but she’s not someone you turn to for fashion inspo.
5. Vogue keep trying tell us they’re coming back into fashion at least three times a year. They’re like fetch, stop trying to make it happen.
6. They’re the opposite of ‘fuck me’ heels, they’re chastity shoes.
7. You can’t strut in a kitten heel.
8. You can’t be fierce in a kitten heel.
9. It’s harder to weed out the short arse boys if you’re wearing kitten heels.
10. Size matters!
11. The higher the heel, the closer you are to God. Kitten heels are the devil’s flip flop.
12. They still hurt (so I’m informed) so you might as well go high.
13. Your centre of gravity is all off because they’re so low so you fall off them more often (again, so I’m told).
14. What happens to the rest of the heel? Won’t someone spare a thought for the poor wasted bits of heel?
15. They take up valuable phone battery and memory taking pictures of them on nights out. You could be getting cute boys phone numbers and instead you’re LEGALLY OBLIGATED to take pictures of kitten heels and lash them on Snapchat.
16. Even Louboutin can’t make them pretty.
17. They make shit weapons compared to stilettos.
18. Apparently they’re French chic but we don’t need to copy everything our neighbours do – we all shave our armpits unlike them don’t we? We’ve left Europe so we can leave the kitten heels too.
In summary, JUST NO.