Scouse Bird Problems – 12 of life's unanswered questions

Posted On: 15/04/2015

By: Lainey Lazzy Lips

1. What ever happened to white dog poo? You still see dog poo but now it’s brown. When I was a kid I definitely saw white dog poo. It’s a mystery. 

2. Why do people drive at 30mph in a 60mph zone then when you go to overtake them they turn into Jenson button and speed up like lunatics so you can’t get past? 

3. Why, when you have all day to sneeze, does it happen when you apply a thick coat of mascara?

4. How come the kids (who have been on deaths door for 2 days), make a miraculous recovery 5 minutes before you get to the doctors appointment you had to fight the receptionist for? 5. How come when you’ve fallen over drunk and sprained your ankle, you haven’t been able to bear any weight for 3 weeks and you’re sure it’s broken; that as soon as you have had an X-ray and the doctor says it’s not broken, the pain vanishes instantly and you can walk out normally without even limping? There are some mad, powerful forces in this universe.  6. Which gobshite of a divine being made the law that ensures that when you look gorgeous you see no one, but as soon as you put on 2 stone, go out without make up on, full of spots with a big fat cold sore you bump into everyone you hate including your ex that you’re still in love with and his new immaculate bird? 7. The build up to a sneeze feels nearly as good as a build up to an orgasm.

Another good invention for Ann Summers would be to make a devise to make us ladies sneeze a lot. Why has this not been done already? You are allowed to sneeze in public. 

8. How can your mum can always tell when u are lying even when u are 42?

9. Why does the hot soup from Sayers say on the cup “Warning, this hot soup is hot”? 10. How DO spiders get in the bath? And when you are asleep do spiders really rub their willies on your face? Incidentally why is there no spider icon on my iPhone emojis?  11. Why am I playing £2.99 a month for the bloody cloud? I don’t understand it and haven’t got a clue how to access it. What the hell is the cloud? And where is it? 

12. Have you ever watched your bloke putting petrol in and having a wee? I swear to god the way they shake the nozzle at the end is exactly the same as when they have a wee. Why you do this men? Why make it all about the penis?

I bet 9-10 of you checked to see if there’s a spider emoji!

XOXO

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