My daughter is a complete princess. I want her to have the most amazing life ever. As well as the usual advice, (do well at school, get a good career, always be kind), there are some unconventional titbits I want her to know. Things I wasn’t aware of growing up. My coming of age gift to my daughter will be the knowledge that getting older isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
1. You probably can’t wait to be adored by men. Every time you get dressed to leave the house, impressing them will be at the forefront of your mind. Believe me, nothing will fill you with dread like walking past a building site, preparing yourself for the inevitable chorus of wolf whistles. One day though, that stops. And there’s nothing. Not a sound. Then you’ll really want the ground to open up and swallow you.
2. Wetting yourself will occur as a result of laughing, running, sneezing and sometimes even just walking down the street. Buy shares in Tena Lady with your first pay packet.
3. Never shave the straggly hair on your chin. Or nipple. Always pluck.
4. Burping and Farting are totally involuntary and of worrying frequency. I know they’re a sign of appreciation in some cultures, but in ours, they’re just causes of embarrassment.
5. Every man who isn’t a blood relative is a gobshite.
6. Never look a willy in the eye. Eeewww.
7. Cancelling on guests just because you don’t want to put a bra on, get dressed and/or tidy up is fine. Everyone does it.
8. Get an ironing lady. Or just buy clothes that don’t need ironing.
9. Isn’t it annoying when I repeat myself? Good luck with not doing that. A wise woman (your Nan) once told me “a man will do whatever it is he says he will. There’s no need to remind him about it every 6 months.” The same goes for getting kids to tidy their rooms/wash/pick their shoes up from the middle of the hall floor.
10. Going out drinking 5 nights a week is impossible after the age of 24. Instead, the tables completely turn and 1 nights drinking requires 5 days recovery. Two words for you-Suicide Tuesday.
11. You’ll have more spots in your 20s than you ever did as a teenager.
12. You’re slim. You have a beautiful figure and you’re perfect. That’s cause you’re young. Say goodbye to it. Take a good look at me. I don’t mean to frighten you, but this will be you. Your bum will be covered in lumps and bumps the size of craters and it will settle roughly 5 inches lower than it is now. Once you’ve had your own kids, your boobs will resemble ASDA bags with a little bit of water in the bottom. Don’t believe the adverts. The only solution is painful and expensive surgery.
It’s not all bad though. You’ll have so much fun making lots of mistakes. And eventually you’ll reach the age where you just don’t give a shit. About anything. And that’s amazing.