Wedding season is fast approaching and love is in the air. Unfortunately, that air is also filled with all those other wedding guests you’re going to have to tolerate. Here’s the ones you’re going to run into…
1. The couple that absolutely love weddings….
….because it gives them a chance to harp on about their own.
You wonder why they have such enthusiasm for attending weddings but then they start relating everything back to their ‘special day’ and the penny drops. Pray you don’t get stuck on their table unless you want to hear about they were going to go for a jazz band too but found an acoustic singer to be a more modern choice.
2. The single girl who brought a hip flask of vodka as a plus one….
…because to be fair, what else was she going to do?
If you’re not going to give her a plus one, then you can’t say anything when she’s ¾ full of vodka and pushing your Uncle Ken’s head inbetween her boobs and inviting your dad, who apparently is now a DILF in her eyes, back to her room.
3. The Best Man with a speech that features jokes that were last funny in 1997….
…Aisle, Alter, Hymn, amirite lads?
Ah the internet, you’re only ever seconds away from googling a good joke suitable for a Best Man Speech. You’re also only ever seconds away from googling a good joke for a Best Man speech that everyone has heard at least 34 times before.
Maybe it’s my 5 years working at a hotel that was a prime location for big white weddings, but I can’t be the only one that rolls my eyes at the same recycled jokes.
Look, lads – if your speech appears on the first page of Google, or has ever been Tweeted by The Lad Bible, you need a quick re-draft. It’s not a hard task to make an amusing, PG 13 friendly 10 minute toast to people you must be pretty close to. If you’re not up to the job, why not hand over the reins to the Maid of Honour?
Which leads me nicely to….
4. The feminist who keeps muttering about the patriarchy
“I’m just saying, what’s wrong with a man taking a woman’s name for once?”
Traditional (a nice word for dated) weddings can really be problematic with hardcore feminists. When you think about it, the act of a father ‘giving away’ his daughter to another man, the bride acquiring a new surname to symbolise who she belongs to now and the fact that everyone with a penis that’s met the Bride or Groom seems to get a go on the mic but god forbid a woman makes a speech, it’s all a bit tricky to get behind maybe.
Me, personally – it’s not a biggie. I don’t think women taking their spouse’s name is the reason why we haven’t got equal pay yet. I’m not sure the fact that one in five women will experience sexual assault or rape in their lifetime is down to the fact some Brides don’t mind being a mute during the speeches on their big day. Have a day off and just let it go. Don’t be a dick and ruin your friend’s day. Do things differently when you trot down the aisle, but respect the Brides decision to embrace old traditions – after all, isn’t that what feminism is about: CHOICE.
5. The girl who’s not a Bridesmaid but seems to think she is one.
She’s ‘accidentally’ worn the exact same colour and style dress as the Bridesmaids
Maybe the Bride is has a limited number of Bridesmaids to stop the madness of having every female she’s ever spoken to carrying the train of her wedding dress (wise move) but sometimes, there’s always one girl who seems to think she’s some kind of unofficial Bridesmaid, even though there are 10 other girls carrying bouquets and she hasn’t got the hint. She’s pestering the newlyweds; asking if there’s anything she can do, creating jobs and duties for herself and explaining how she ‘practically is a bridesmaid but didn’t want to add to the Bride’s stress.’ Get her a Bacardi and say her most important duty is to relax and have a drink.
6. The bloke who blagged his way onto the Stag Do and keeps comparing it to The Hangover
“Oh it was epic bantz – the stories I could tell you. But I can’t *Seedy wink*”
A Groom’s two day bender in Prague is ALWAYS just like the film The Hangover. ALWAYS. Apparently. *rolls eyes*
7. The Aunt who hasn’t really seen the Bride or Groom since they hit puberty
“Oh I used to change their nappies all the time. You must have heard of me? Aunt Paula?”
She’s telling anyone who’ll listen how the Bride was once a flower girl at her daughter’s wedding and she knew from that day she would make a beautiful bride.
She’s actually one of the fun guests – get a gin with her at the evening do.
8. The girl who slept with the groom…..
…and is telling all by the end of the night.
She’s on the Uni Table and you’re none the wiser until she starts letting on around 10pm that her and the newly married men once had a night of passion after a few Vodka Red Bulls at the Union in first year.
Keep her away from the Bride. (Hey, maybe that’s a duty for the Unofficial Bridesmaid?)
9. The Food Knob
“This is a lovely pizza but it can never compare to the one I had at this little independent Italian I discovered last week….”
All wedding food tastes like it would have been better as another 6 bottles of wine for the table. But that’s my inner immature alcoholic talking. My wedding will basically be a free bar with guests left starving; having to buy crisps and pork scratchings to keep their hunger at bay. This knob head just wants to use it as an excuse to show off about the fact they’re a bit of ‘a foodie these days.’ If it wasn’t food, they’d be humble bragging about something else.
Other offenders include: the gym enthusiast who’s ‘in training’ (nothing in particular, just training for life) so can’t eat anything offered and will just have their protein shake, and the Gluten Free option order, who doesn’t have Coeliac Disease – they just read a Daily Mail article claiming it is necessary in order to live longer.
Vegetarians are NOT included in this list and to be honest, their choices should be more than Risotto or a plate of bread.
10. The bloke who thinks the dance floor is his own personal stage
“Have you got that Gangham Style, mate?”
It starts off funny but then it all gets a bit ‘David Brent’ and feels horribly awkward. Once he starts getting everyone up to follow his conga you’re allowed to start shotting double whiskeys in order to get through it all.
11. The very, very recent divorcee
“They’re happy now but they won’t be so happy when she’s moaning on about the garden shed not being built and he’s gained 2 stone.”
It starts with a few raised eyebrows and rolled eyes but then it teeters off into her shouting divorce stats and advising the Bride to keep an eye on his secretary at work. Again, another duty for the Unofficial Bridesmaid.
12. The new owner of a small business
“I just couldn’t go back to working for anyone else – I don’t know how you do it, to be honest.”
He was fine working for ‘the man’ for 20 years but he’s recently set up on his own and boy, does he want to tell you all about it. He’s brought business cards with him, he sees the evening do as a ‘great chance to network’ and you have to hide your laughter when he starts quoting Richard Branson in conversation.
13. The friend you drifted apart from…
…and then you quickly realise why.
The last time you saw them you were both necking VK’s in the local nightclub; back for the summer from your universities and a few remaining quid of your loan left to spend. You can’t understand how you haven’t spoken for years but then, after getting through catching each other up on jobs, partners and holidays, it hits you – you have nothing in common. Sure, at 19 you got on well – all you needed at that age as a shared interest was a love of cheap alcohol and bad decisions, but now her anecdotes are making you want to fake food poisoning so you can excuse yourself to your room for the rest of the night.
And then there’s the last one…
14. You and me.
And of course, you and me don’t even mildly resemble any of the previous 13 characters, do we?
Of course we don’t.