40 Ways You know You’re Old

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Unfortunately, just like your fella annoying the fuck out of you, there are some inevitabilities in life. One of them is ageing. You can either fight it with every fibre of your botox’d fod or you can grow old gracefully and have a laugh a long the way. Here’s 40 ways you know you’re getting old…

  1. You have to lift up your tits to tan underneath them.
  2. Half your sky planner is full of true crime documentaries.
  3. You take a coat out to town. And don’t give a fuck.
  4. You get yourself a snazzy trolly token keyring.
  5. You start using words like snazzy or trendy.
  6. You get drunk on a Friday night and not Saturday so you have a full 2 days to revcover.
  7. You stop getting River Island and Topshop vouchers for Christmas and start getting M&S and Next vouchers.
  8. You regularly have to check Urban Dictionary for all the new words – wtf is a stan or a thot anyway?
  9. You friends start having babies on purpose.
  10. You can remember fashions like scrunchies and chokers the first time round.
  11. You can remember songs that are getting sampled in dance tracks now from when they first came out. I swear that Ashanti song was from two summers ago but Wikipedia says it’s nearly 20 years old. Weird.
  12. You go to B&Q on a Sunday morning at a time when you used to be getting in from a night out.
  13. You look at all the adults, adulting in the screw aisle of B&Q and realise you’re one of them.
  14. A wild Friday night is a teapot full of tea and not one, but TWO kit kats.
  15. Wild horses couldn’t drag you out to town on a night out. Not for all the free vodka and gin in all the land would you trade the warmth of your bed for queuing at a bar and crying over the balls of your feet burning.
  16. You own more pyjamas than going out clothes.
  17. You switch from a shoe obsession to a bag obsession – because let’s face it, you never go out to wear nice shoes anymore anyway.
  18. You start coming out with stuff your mum says.
  19. You get excited for the bank holiday for a lie in instead of the night out.
  20. You’ve got a loyalty card for everywhere.
  21. You give serious consideration to wearing the merseyrail flip flops at the races, “I don’t see what all the fuss is about tbh.”
  22. You go the races on the Thursday
  23. You spend half your life plucking chin hairs.
  24. Going to Aldi and Lidl carries the same level of excitement as when you went to Toys R Us as a kid. What will that middle aisle throw up this time?
  25. You’re more upset than your kid at Toys R Us going bust. Where will Jeffrey and all his millions of toys go now?
  26. You avoid mirrors in natural light because artificial light doesn’t make a show of all your wrinkles.
  27. You love a good bath. Know what I mean? Like it’s the best part of the day isn’t it? (Side note: My shop does the most AMAZING bath bombs, ad they’re 4 for £10. My faves are the ‘Fit fella’, ‘Banana Medicine’, Coconut and ‘Ultimate glitter princess’ FYI)
  28. Well a bath is the best part of the day until you get out, get dry and put your dressing gown on that is. Your dressing gown is your fave item of clothing. It’s definitely not a house coat either.
  29. You love a good walk round a National Trust property on a Sunday. Card carrying member and everything.
  30. Home décor accounts on instagram are your guilty pleasure. You follow at least 415.
  31. You check rightmove and zoopla at least 10 times a day and say your budget is at least a million just cos you’re a nosy bitch.
  32. All your mates are drama free because they’ve all grown out of it.
  33. You buy 1 bottle of wine for a tenner instead of 3. “I just don’t know how people can drink that swill Paul.”
  34. You have a well stocked liquor cabinet instead of just buying a bottle of Glens vodka on Friday and it being gone by Sunday.
  35. When you go away on holiday, after a few days you can’t wait to be home in your own bed.
  36. You’ve had vague panics about your non existent pension.
  37. You don’t chase boys you chase paper and being a well rounded happy version of yourself.
  38. New bedding proper turns you on.
  39. The sexiest thing your fella can do is take the bins out.
  40. You’re reading this to see how many you’re guilty of.

If you find yourself nodding away in recognition to most of these then I’m sorry, you’re old. If you’re not quite there yet but you definitely recognise a few, have a read of 23 signs you’re getting older instead. Be warned. It’s all very upsetting.

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