So you’re trying to shed your winter coat. You’ve changed your lock screen to Gigi Hadid in a bikini, and now you just need to pick which gym you’re going to sign up with (and most definitely be cancelling your membership by the time September rolls round)
You’ll be super obsessed on day 1, which will only last approximately 72 hours. Reading up on which foods have the best protein to fat ratio, you’ll bulk buy Kale and pretend that you absolutely love the taste, when really, let’s be honest, it tastes like cat piss. You’ll do meal prep and upload it to your Insta, because if you don’t, did you really even do the prep in the first place?
You’ll attempt to look hot on your first gym/class session. Waterproof mascara? Check. Sleek back pony? Check. Push up sports bra? Double check. But believe me, 15 minutes in, if you’re working hard enough, you’ll just be thankful that you can breathe. If you can look hot during your whole session then kudos to you, but could you like… not stand next to me because I look like a dying puffa fish begging to be put down. Thanks so much.
You’ll fume every time you fail to find an ab. Like wtf? I’ve just done 15 crunches, where the heck are my sculpted abs? Is this some kind of sick joke? You know what, being skinny just isn’t worth it. * Starts to dial dominoes * I tell you what tastes better than skinny…. a large Texas BBQ with extra garlic dip, that’s what.
There’s the age-old debate of which lasts longer: a microwave minute or a plank minute will be answered…it’s always the plank. Who the fuck invented the plank? 10 seconds in, you think you’re bossing it like… God this fitfam malarkey is easy! I am a temple of strength, I’m an empowered strong woman, why have I ever questioned myse…. oh wait… ooo that burns a little… it’s cool it’s cool, I can do this, oh dear god why wont my ham arms stop shaking? 40 seconds left? You joking?!” You’ll find some relief in raising your bottom to take pressure off but the spawn of Satan instructor will shame you in front of everyone. Until the last 10 seconds hit and you feel your soul leaving your body because you have in fact died, right there, on the gym floor.
So you’re 5 weeks in, you’ve been eating all the right things and you finally start to see a few inches of weight loss! But oh wait, it’s not from your ham arms or jigglypuff thighs, that would just be too easy, it’s always right from the area you don’t wanna lose anything from… your funbags, chebs, exquisitely sculpted tits. Come on! Hello, I was going for the Emily Ratajkowski look (Absolute ball of hotness from the blurred lines video – tiny waist, giant rack) This just makes me question why bad things happen to good people, like seriously. Your boobs are the avocados of your body; they’re the good kind of fat! I mean, I’m only working with a b cup in the first place, give me a goddamn break will you!
The urge to post inspirational quotes on your Instagram will rise by 87% and you’ll document each no fat, no salt, no fun meal, because you need people to know what will be included in your faecal matter in 12-14 hours time.
Your days of knocking back 5 Sambuca shots and finishing with 3 lagers and a greasy kebab are well and truly over, You’re now that really annoying friend who counts the calories in drinks on nights out.
Your top Google search will be: “Can you die from next day muscle ache?” I haven’t done any research on it but it’s a completely legitimate question and I’m most certain that you can.
You’ll become more creative with your excuses and question why it hurts so much. Is the body meant to take this much pain? Am I best just skipping the gym and hitting up Netflix instead because you know, I don’t want to put myself in any physical danger. I mean my psychic did tell me I might get hurt today, so maybe I should just work out my arms instead by lifting the phone and placing an order with the local Chinese takeaway. Yeah I think that’s best.
Anyway, I’m off to the gym to do approximately 7 minutes on the rowing machine and finish off with a 20-minute session at the vending machine.
Till next time, keep it sassy.