Three years ago, when I moved up to Liverpool for the first time, I was full of the first flushes of a doomed romance with my very own gobshite. The fabled Scouse Bird was just a legend to me; a whispered tale of exotic plumage and melodic cries, bronzed legs and a slight whiff of hairspray… I had longed for the day when I would spot one for the first time, when I would be called ‘soft lad’ and when I would finally discover why ‘wool’ was such a bad thing.
I met them, my very own flock of Scouse Birds- and they really did take me under their wings- they showed me where to be seen (boss bars, obvs), where to avoid (St Johns), when to dress up (all the time), and when it was acceptable to break out the sweatpants (3am when we’re all in my front room and everyone’s got my pj’s on)… In return, I schooled them on how we gays like to be handled, and how we can both get the best from each other, like a beautiful, well thought out outfit……
The gays of Liverpool are many and varied, and each Sassy Bird should choose the right one for her; looking as carefully at each one as a pair of LouBous- a mistake can be costly, for both sides. A Carrie searching for her Sanford should consider taste, age and appearance, as well as sense of drama and humour, after all, you want a boy in your life who’ll hold back your hair when you’re spewing, your bag while you’re swan-necking that fitty and, of course, someone who can cope with your dramas as well as theirs.
The Party Boy
For a girl’s first gay, you can’t go far wrong with a party boy. Like the name says, these are the good-time-girls of the gay world. Young and a little bit reckless, they are found hanging around in any of Stanley Street’s neon-bulbed hotspots, hammering back whatever’s on 241 that night. They know EVERYONE for the simple reason that they are always out- handbag vodka at the ready. Quality time with this boy will mean being in a bar, which is great for some dancing and fitty-spotting, but not so great for the deep and meaningfuls. It can be done, but do you really want to be yelling out your innermost secrets in between songs in Masquerade? Finally, beware – drama is never far behind this boy, so make sure you’ve perfected your ‘don’t mess’ snarl.
The City Gay
Straddling the age-gap, we have the city gay. He’s usually slightly out of the ‘scene’ but willing to hit the town at a moments notice for drinks, and will, like you, ping backwards and forwards between a string of unsuitable fellas. He’s the brother you never had, and will gladly join you for a night with the girls – with the lucky bonus that he won’t shag any of them. He’s adept at choosing both yours and his outfits, booking tables and organising nights out- and is always the one with change for a cab. He needs careful nurturing; the late 20s and early 30s in a gay mans life are harsh – you’ll need to help steer him through break-ups, dating (horrific), work dramas and fear of getting old and dying alone (gay sense of drama!). Geeky city gays are rare, yet brilliant boys – they’ll back up your iPhone, sort your tinder profile and de-clog your emails without so much as a hair out of place – perfect as that gives you more time to spice up his life with nights on the town and outrageous gossip. They can be relied on to perfectly fill those spare ‘plus one’ spots, and will ensure everyone asks about that ‘nice young man’ you brought along last time.
The Older Gay
The older gays-about-town are found drinking cocktails (Cosmos or similar) in Hotel bars, or chic little joints like McGuffies. They’ll be well-tailored, well-shod and well groomed, and above all, well informed. To attract this particular bead to her bangle, the Sassy Bird must flatter, challenge and entertain- they need to know that you’ll be good for conversation over wine and late nights with endless disco-dancing but also able to stand in as emergency Girlfriend at some work function or other. The rewards are great- this gay is very well connected, and will be able to blag a favour anywhere, so treat him well- as this is also the gay with the ability to freeze you out so hard even Elsa would need a leccy blanket. Hell hath no fury…!
Truly, the girl-gay friendship can be one of the most rewarding ever. You’ll see each other through good nights, bad haircuts, fat days, skinny jeans and a world of nonsense from gobshite men. You simply have to go out and treat finding the right gay like finding the right pair of shoes. Go to the right shop, look carefully, choose what’s right for you, and if they don’t fit, put them carefully back in the box and move on- after all, they might not fit you, but somewhere out there is a Sassy Bird Cinderella who needs that particular Glass slipper.