Scouse Bird Problems – Daddy Direction – Louis Tomlinson gives us all a lesson in the importance of safe sex

Posted On: 26/07/2015

By: Keeley Buckley

At around midnight one night last week I was flicking through Radar Online when I saw a small headline about a One Direction baby; I ignored it because at that point it seemed a little unbelievable, so you can imagine the mother of all fucks I shouted at Lorraine Kelly the next morning when she casually introduced the story on her show.

I am much too old to be a 1D fan, but unfortunately for my nearest and dearest I am a fan and I am shocked. After the shock of Zayn leaving, it was pretty set that the four lads left were going to battle on through. Except now we have an impregnated 23-year-old American laying claim on a British institution and it feels like a bit of a bloody cheek if I’m honest.

Newspapers, websites and TV broke the news that Louis Tomlinson (the one who looks like a young Ricky Gervais) was to become a father. After splitting up with longtime girlfriend Eleanor Calder in March, it seemed that Louis went on a typical ‘Gobshite’ women gorge and managed to knock one of them up. Reports have not been confirmed by the One Direction camp, but the silence is golden. By not denying the claims they are confirming that the news is accurate and we will have our first of the boybands babies by early next year.

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So what happened? How did someone so famous that was coming out of a shock breakup (both splitting from Eleanor and Zayn), find himself in such a sticky situation? Well apparently he was in a nightclub and had his minder approach her and say ‘My boy is interested in you.’ What a charmer, I’ll bet she was dancing her way to the bed with that line… Shit chap up aside, they are rumoured to have done the deed three times, then parted on good terms and BANG, two months later and she’s breaking her way on to the Daily Mail website, pregnant, with pictures of her and her family showing how wholesome she is.

Whilst I have no issue with a 1D member having sex, it does ruin their carefully planned image slightly. They were five, but now four young men that we have watched on a stage having fun like the young men they are supposed to be. Then they suddenly went from teen to man and the world couldn’t catch a breath. They grew their hair, started dressing like rock stars and have been pictured with numerous girls over the last year. The story on the ground is that when Zayn Malik left the band, it was because Perrie Edwards (his fiancée of Little Mix fame,) could no longer take the female attention he was getting. He was in an ‘us or them’ situation and applause to him because he chose his girl like a true gent. What if he hadn’t though? None of them are safe from fatherhood following a random hook up.

Ok, it’s happened now. So we have to deal with it. Brianna Jungwirth (or the mum-to-be) and her family have gone into hiding following the press attention. Louis is still bouncing around LA entering and exiting studios. Although they’re not in ‘relationship,’ just ‘good friends,’ Louis is unofficially excited about becoming a father (allegedly seeing as he still hasn’t confirmed it’s all true).

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The whole thing has left the One Direction fandom puzzled; with Zayn already gone and Louis on the arse end of a possible honey trap, what does that mean for the band? They’ve worked like dogs for the last five years, touring month in and month out to satisfy the teen world’s insatiable need. But as they all transcend into adulthood are they going to be able to maintain that robust schedule? Are they just going to meander off into the distance next year taking their bopping feet, and millions of pounds with them whilst girls everywhere fling themselves to the mercy of The X Factor to find someone new to commit to?  Love them or loathe them, It’s a troubling time for those zillions of crazy girls dubbed Directioner’s.

In the 21st century there is no such thing as an un-planned pregnancy. They both neglected contraception somewhere and fully knew they were risking a bun in an oven.

USE A CONDOM, YOU F*CKING IDIOTS

XOXO

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