Diet starts Monday | Scouse Bird Problems

Here we are again. It’s Monday morning. Fellas everywhere are lamenting the start of the working week, they think they have problems? Us girls are lamenting the start of our diets after no doubt falling spectacularly off the wagon over the weekend, or rather falling out of Mr Chips with a pizza in one hand and fried chicken in the other. We know full well we’ll probably only last until Monday lunchtime, maybe Tuesday night if we’re feeling particularly wilful, but either way we will start in earnest chasing the perfect bikini body as soon as we’ve waved goodbye to the weekend. All the while cursin them skinny slags eatin an XL double whopper meal goin “Oh I can’t even put weight on, it’s a pain.” Yeh that’s cos as soon as everyone’s backs turned you’re runnin the bogs to vom it all up you lying little cow. I’ve been on more diets than you can shake a stick at. In fact I’d go as far as to say that I’ve been on a diet since the age of 12, that’s most of my life. I’ve done Atkins, The South Beach Diet, Anorexia (lasted an hour), bulimia (well I gave it a go but the only vomming I like to do is after a shot of sambuca), Alli, diet pills, Slimming World, Weight Watchers. I consider myself an expert. Those who can’t do, teach eh? One time when I was giving slimming world a bash, I woke up Sunday morning after a heavy night on the vodka diet cokes, passed out on the couch (hadn’t made it up the stairs) and I found SW home-made chocolate mousse spread out all over the floor. What the…? Ah well, I thought, at least I didn’t get a pizza. That’s a first! I lay there on the couch dying and watching the Hollyoaks omnibus, made up with myself and feeling pretty smug at how boss I was at dieting. Then I noticed the teeniest tiniest sliver of tomato sauce sittin off under my fingernail, winking at me. Er, what are you? How did you get there? I rang my mate, “Hiya, did I have pizza last night?”

“Are you messin?”

“Er no, I woke up with chocolate mousse all over the floor. I don’t remember having pizza.”

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