Does anyone actually like Valentine’s Day? It tends to be stressful, expensive and worst of all, it’s not even an annual holiday that gives you a day off work to help cushion the blow of having to spend your overdraft in Clinton’s Cards.
Whether you’re loved up or so single you don’t even have anyone to drunk text, here’s your Valentine’s Day survival guide to get through 14th February.
Awww got a fella have we? Not going to die alone surrounded by only your cats and a bin full of the remains of a microwave meals for one? Get on you! You smug bastards have got the easiest deal so lets get you out of the way first.
Whatever you do, don’t bother forcing yourselves to go out. It’s weeknight, the weather’s miserable and you’re only just getting back on track financially after Christmas – the last thing you want to be doing is spending a shed load of money at a chain restaurant, enduring a mediocre set menu; surrounded by stressed, overworked staff and other insufferable smug couples. Embrace the fact that this year Valentine’s Day falls on a Domino’s Two for Tuesday and stay in and stuff your faces before having horrible, bloated lazy sex. If pizza isn’t your bag (weirdo) then get a Deliveroo, Just Eat or even a Hungry House if that’s still going- you get the idea. Basically, swerve having any meal that you can’t eat on your sofa without pants on.
That’s not to say you have to be misery guts and go full ‘We don’t celebrate the Hallmark Holiday’ like your dad’s rant over on Facebook. Nope, head down to Home & Bargains (yeh yeh, correct me and tell me it’s Home Bargains but we don’t take too kindly to change round here and it was and always will be Home & Bargains to us) and take advantage of their exceptionally cheap Valentine’s Day range and be so extra with your at home celebrations. Get a romantic dinner for two table set to fancy up your takeaway, heart shaped balloons and ice cube trays, artificial rose petals to make your bedroom look more like a hotel suite for the day and best of all, a couple of crackers for just 79p! Yeah, maybe crackers are more suitable for Christmas but whatever, these come with cute confetti, love vouchers and an origami fortune teller game – you remember like what you’d make in school with the numbers? The best thing you can buy for a quid since Eat 4 Less baguettes came into our lives.
You’re staying in to save money like sensible adults so you may as well go full OAP and play some board games too, right? However, you don’t need to spend the evening playing Scrabble and having murder arguing about whether ‘Dogging’ is an acceptable word and what not. Nope, get yourself Foreplay Connect and battle it out to get four of your counters in a row and be the winner who gets to act out their winning combination!
It’s perfect for an anniversary, date night or just a Saturday when you’re sat in skint and bored. After all, your favourite childhood games updated with a smutty, sexual edge are for life, not just for Valentine’s Day. Also see the time we played the Ann Summers boardgame Monogamy
You’ve been sensible, thrifty adults and rather than blow half your wages on naff presents to show off on Instagram and prove how much you love each other, you’ve saved yourself a bit of cash. Great. Time to treat yourselves and invest in a little present you can both enjoy. Maybe it’s booking yourself a cheap weekend away off Groupon for in a few months or, if you live together, you can get yourself some personalised art to hang up in your home to remind any visitors how adorably loved up you are. You might have swerved Scrabble when it came to what game to play but this letter tiled print will make up for that and pay homage to the classic game in a much better way.
If you’re into your music* maybe opt for this Personalised Mixtape Poster instead and be absolutely adorable and fill it with all ‘your’ songs.
And if you really feel like ballin’ and pushing the boat out, finally get yourself all your favourite records on vinyl and play them on something like this Intempo Red Retro Bluetooth Turntable. Just think how much better your songs will sound playing through that rather on your phone via Spotify. Also, imagine all the likes you’ll get on Instagram when you’re constantly uploading pictures of your ‘latest little find’ when you rebrand as a cool hipster couple who spend their Sunday browsing record shops. It pays for itself really.
*who isn’t ‘into’ music to be fair? If someone ‘just didn’t get music’ it would be stranger than when Michael Owen declared he hated all films.
Is there any better feeling when the stars align and the universe gifts you with the beautiful present of being in a friendship group where you’re all single at exactly the same time? You’re all free to hoe together and actually manage to organise a Saturday night out without one of you having to bail because it’s their fella’s brother’s best mate’s second wife’s divorce party or whatever pathetic ‘Couple Commitment’ they have that week? Yep, being single at the same time as your girlfriends is a gift from God and Galentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to remind yourselves of this fact.
It’s the day to have ALLLLLLLL the prosecco. Get down to Aldi and get a few magnums (yep, magnums) of the good stuff in for just £12.99. The best thing about getting this jumbo size offering of the sparkling stuff is you can all kid yourselves that you only ‘had a few bottles’ even though you know full well just how much more that magnum has compared to a regular one.
Obviously you’re going to drink an obscene amount of alcohol and wind up in Popworld, swinging on a pole at 3am, but before all that, take advantage of Liverpool’s ladies only lifestyle boutique, Nourish. Whether you want to go for a full blown pamper session to look your best for later on, or you all get together to do one of their legendary yoga sessions, make sure you do something a little more like what the girls on Sex and the City would do before you go and act more like you’re starring in an episode of Eurotrash. After all, life is all about balance.
Single & no one to mingle with
All by yourself? Friends all loved up and you’re spending your Saturday nights playing on Tinder alone? Stop feeling sorry for yourself – it’s not all bad. Parks & Recreations gave us Galentine’s Day but it also gifted us something even better……
Yep, practise ‘self care’, whatever that is exactly, and get yourself a few ‘To Me, Love Me’ presents. Don’t go full Bridget Jones and spend the night drinking cheap wine and whining – Treat yo self!
Eat & Drink
Look, have Ben & Jerry’s ice cream if you want but you’re not a mediocre Rom Com cliche, are you? No, you’re at the very least, a half decent episode of Sex and the City. Buy your favourite meal or takeaway, splurge on a wine a bit more expensive than your usual bottle and upgrade your treats – rather than getting ‘5 for a quid’ doughnuts from The Asda, go all out and get yourself a tray of Kirspy Kremes. You have no fella or friends to share them with as they’re all being selfish by being happy and in love so who’s the real winner in all this eh?
You. Literarily, you do you. There’s only one thing better thing than fresh sheets and that’s fresh sheets AND fresh batteries. Treat yourself with a night in alone with your Smile Makers goody drawer and have yourself an orgasm without having to fake anything or share the duvet afterwards. The fireman is our personal fave 😜
If a whole evening of getting yourself off isn’t for you for some reason (can’t relate but each to their own) then get your kicks with the second best way in life – online shopping. Brands and businesses are bound to clog up your inbox with sickly sweet promo emails and special offer codes so take advantage of the dizzy on offer.
For the Boys
Let’s not forget about you, lads. See, the thing is, you don’t really need a guide, do you? If you’re in a relationship you just need to remember to buy a card and some chocolates and if you’re riding solo then you can comfort yourself with the fact you’ve saved a bit of doe and also be an absolute sex case online; sliding into the DMs of all the girls posting sad statues about being single.
However, if you do want to treat yourself, maybe it’s time to ditch the whole beard thing. I’m not saying it’s why you’re still single but no girl fancies risking getting a rash every single time you neck her. Shave 2013 off your face with the best in the business – a Philips OneBlade Electric Groomer. What’s my source for this bold claim? Well, my male friend was attending a fancy dress party as Paris Hilton (Obvs) and required some smooth legs ready to be tanned. Specially bought hair removal cream was an absolute horror story of a disaster, and other razors couldn’t handle the task, so in stepped the Philips OneBlade to save the day. His legs were left smooth, rash free and he even got a ‘That’s Hot’ off Paris Hilton on Instagram.
If it’s good enough for legs that get comments from 00’s legends then it’s certainly good enough for your face.
If your beard has been hiding some very neglected skin from over the years then now the time to up your daily routine. Giving your a face a quick wash with an old soap in the shower once a day is not acceptable these days. Treat yourself to the The Clean Sweep, a 30 second daily cleansing brush that will leave your face with strong and resillient skin. If you’re reallllly committed to keeping the beard, you’ll be pleased to hear that it can still deep cleanse, exfoliate and condition under facial hair.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!