I’ve long been a champion of prosecco – it has, for me, been the drink of the gods. However, all good things must come to an end and I’m afraid Prosecco and I are formally announcing our break up. I hate to tell you all like this, I know how upset you must be. After a bad case of food poisoning where prosecco was also consumed, that’s it, I’m done – it tastes of the time I felt like I was about to die.
That being said, I have a new love of my life that I wanted to introduce you to and trust me they’re an upgrade. Gin and I have known each other since about 2003, we’ve flirted, we’ve even had the odd one night stand but G has always been more of a side fella than my main bae.
Lately though, Gin has been going the gym, dressing better and generally started looking hella good all round. I’m rebranding myself as the prin of gin. You heard it here first.
Here’s why Gin is sooooo much better than prosecco
- Let’s go straight in for the kill, Mr G has less calories than prosecco. For every 3 glasses of prosecco on Slimming World you can have 5 glasses of gin. That’s value.
- There’s skinny prosecco available now but bish please, all gin is skinny.
- Drop for drop – it’s cheaper. Kind of. Ok for a decent bottle of gin you’ll spend around £40 and that gives you 28 drinks (if you’re on singles). A decent bottle of prosecco will set you back about £12, but that only gives you 5 and a bit glasses. The bottle of gin, on a drink for drink basis, saves you £20.
- A banana contains on average 90 calories, a single gin contains 51. Make smart choices.
- Spirits are better for your digestion. Prosecco (all wine in fact) contains yeast which sticks in your colon and leaves white webbing all over it meaning you get all bloated. Vile. Gin (and vodka for that matter) is distilled meaning it just goes straight through.
- Prosecco gives you heartburn and farts.
- Mr G keeps things exciting. There’s a million and one ways to enjoy a G&T – pepper and grapefruit? Go for it! Watermelon? Sure thing. Classic lemon? Mmmm. Whereas prosecco will try and pass a strawberry off as excitement.
- Gin cocktails are the one.
- Spirits are easier to smuggle into places.
- There are festivals thrown in honour of Mr G (like this one in Croxteth Park*) and they’re huge. There are absolutely tons of different flavoured gins and it’s just like a wonderland of loveliness. Yeh sure, they’ve started doing prosecco festivals, but it’s a bit embarrassing like when your ex starts posting pictures of himself on Instagram with different girls and the caption “Moving on to bigger and better things.” Stop, it’s embarrassing.
- Prosecco is soooo 2015.
- You can get Liverpool gin. I don’t see no Liverpool prosecco….
- Spirit bottles are more aesthetically pleasing than prosecco. You can even turn them into home decor.
- You can get gin made from unicorn tears. Your move prosecco.
*The Absolutely Fabulous Gin Festival takes place at Croxteth Hall & Country Park on the 20th & 21st October. Tickets are only £10 and include entrance, a free customised goblet to keep, a welcome drink & live entertainment.