It’s April and once again, as per recent tradition, we’re in the grip of a mini heatwave – yesssss. While most of you will be stuck in an office, furious (quite rightly) that you’re not licking a Solero and sipping prosecco in a beer garden, here’s a little something to pass the time…
Let’s play Heatwave Bingo! – can you spot them all?
- A lad head to toe in black Northface. No matter what, he is fully commited to F-ing TM. Even if his balls have now melted into his thighs. Mad respect.
- On the opposite end of the scale you’ll have an absolute lid who at the first sign of sun will refuse point blank to wear anything on his upper body apart from a hat. He is always skinny but convinced he has the 6 pack of a Greek god. Bonus point if he has an illegal dog with a docked tail as a dashing accessory.
- Young mums in their summer uniform of bright maxi dress and denim gilet. Bonus point if they’re pushing a pram containing a small child with ice cream all over their face (in the winter months this is sausage roll crumbs).
- The local gang of smackheads/alky’s – they’re no different than usual except they may have swapped their Tennants Super for extra strength cider and they’re exceptionally cheery about life.
- Girl’s in denim shorts. I say denim shorts – they’re basically denim knickers and they must have the inside pocket hanging down longer than the hem to highlight the tini-ness of the short shorts. Bonus point if she has flowers in her hair.
- Emos congregating in the nearest piece of shade. Urgh, sun is soooo mainstream and it really messes with the death pallor they’ve been cultivating.
- Bar’s that blatantly have no outside space creating outside space. Awww nice try, but no.
- Convertables everywhere with the top down. Like I didn’t know this many people owned convertables. Could you really be assed for 3 days of sun a year?
- Kids running through the fountains in Williamson Square. It has to be done, it’s just the law.
- People playing music full blast. Whether they’re in their cars with the windows down or in their house with the windows open – in the sunshine there’s only one acceptable music volume and that is really fucking loud.
- A swarm of people congregating on the Matou terrace having a crush on how beautiful the Pier Head is.
- Pictures on Instagram of a pint of lager, a glass of rosé or a cocktail in some beer garden with the caption “This is the life”
- Any Snapchat you receive has the current temperature on it
- A violently ginger lad who’s been out in the sun for more than half and hour and looks like he should be admitted to the burns unit in the Royal
- Angry business people – it’s hot and they’re stuck in work. In full suits. I’d be fumin too.
- Pets giving up on life. Whether it’s an owner trying to drag a dog home who’s lying down on the floor refusing to move or a cat who’s just flopped on its side and gone “nah. just nah”, pets aren’t soft.
- A gang of women in their 60’s on the wine outside the Beehive or The Richmond having a gab and loving life.
- The Asda sold out of buns and limes. Everyone foams at the mouth at the prospect of Corona’s and BBQ’s.
- An old mans pub that’s spontaneously decided to start selling sangria.
- People who don’t have gardens sat out on their front steps. Bonus points of you spot an old man in budgie smugglers covered in baby oil or an entire family in a paddling pool.
- People on twitter claiming that the cast of Bug’s Life have come in because they’ve opened a window. It may have raised the corner of a smile when someone very first said it about 3 years ago but come on, let it go.
By the way, you win fuck all for spotting all these but come on, it’s actually sunny, we’re all winners here.