1. Toilet paper being stuck to your shoe.
This is the root of my anxiety, always gota do the back of the foot check before leaving a public toilet, but in reality why is this such an embarrassment for us? I mean, it’s not like you’ve been doing 2 footed jumps into puddles of piss in there and skating through used toilet paper, but alas we must feel shame, book a flight to Uganda and live as a goat for the rest of our days.
2. Pulling a push door
The ole’ pull the handle, pull again to make sure it just isn’t stiff, realise what an utter failure of a human being you are, let out a small chuckle to make sure everyone around you knows that you realise what you’ve done is silly and that, you too, can have a laugh at yourself, go to the toilet to cry and replay the scenario over and over again in your head and question if you’ll ever be able to live this down. To be honest, who ever put a pull handle on a push door needs a swift kick to the crotch.
3. Running for a bus and missing it
Usain bolting it and still missing it, only for everyone to stare at you as the bus pulls away. I’m sure bus drivers do this on purpose for a bit of a laugh. To exact revenge, all you have to do is pay for your fare with a £20 note every time and smile whilst you walk away with all his/her change for the day in both hands. Not so funny now is it Barry? But, if you do ever find yourself running and missing the bus, just keep running till you fall off the edge of the earth and then you won’t have to live with the lifetime of shame that missing a bus induces.
4. Almost bumping into someone and then you both try to get round in each other in the same direction and end up doing that awkward tango style dance.
You might even add in a oh sorry.. eh…eh…*moves from one side to the other* eh…*pretends to actually dance * for extra effect to mask the embarrassment you’ve just caused yourself.
5. When the self checkout you’re using starts flashing because the lazy bastard of a machine can’t feel the weight of your chewing gum
So there you are, trying to force as much weight down on the bagging area as possible, do the whole ‘wow this is really inconvenient for me’ face, peer over to the store assistant manning the self checkouts only to be ignored because their conversation with Stacy about last nights antics is so much more important than the social anxiety you’re experiencing right now. So, you let out a bit of a sigh, try to fix the checkout yourself, look at your watch/phone to try and hurry their conversation along, and finally they come over and you have to explain that you have no idea what’s up with it because you feel you’ve already wasted enough of their time already.
6. Coughing more than 3 times in a row
Your lungs are filling with your saliva, you’re gasping for air but wait… you’ve already coughed 3 times? If you cough anymore you might attract attention to yourself, people may think you’re dying, wow do you realise how much of a fool you’ll look? You’ll look weak you know. So just die quietly and no one will care anyway. O alternatively, hear me roar bitches because IDGAF.
7. When you can’t pronounce a simple word in ordinary conversation.
We’ve all been there, you’re trying to have a normal conversation but your brain is like…. ‘You know what I haven’t done in a while? Made you look like a complete knob’. So you try AND fail 4 times to pronounce a simple word and have to finish off with “God, I just cant talk today” to let everyone know that this is a minor mis-hap, a rarity if you will and most certainly will never happen again.
8. When you can’t decide what drink to have but the barman thinks it’s cool to stare into your soul until you’ve made your choice.
Like, can you not? I don’t know what I want yet, give me a few mins. Huff and puff a little bit more and I’ll get the bible out on this bar and start reading it cover to cover, I swear to God. But in reality, you pick a drink you don’t even want because the peer pressure was just too much.
9. When someone gets your name wrong
Now, there’s two ways you can handle this. The right way is to correct them gently straight away and don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s fine, everyone makes mistakes, but get my name wrong again yeah and we’re gona have a problem k sweet cheeks? Good. Annnnd the wrong way…. is to not correct them and live in that 20 seconds of complete anxiety where you think…’Oh no..they got my name wrong. Did other people notice? Has it been too long for me to correct them? How do I tell them my name isn’t Geraldine? Yep, definitely been too long, no way I can correct them now.’ Great, now you’ll have to legally change your name by deed poll. Cheers. Nice one.
10. Missing a high 5
If you’re incapable of connecting properly with a high 5, are you even worthy of being a human being? *replays the incident over and over again until death ensues *
11. Walking in one direction but forgetting something and having to turn around.
To make sure everyone around you knows you’re in control of the situation at hand, you’ll tactically check your phone, showcase a look of disappointment to highlight that there’s a solid reason for you changing your direction and then head back. Ahhh all is now right in the world.
Embarrassment is a self conscious emotion and happens in relation to other people but this is 2017 and honestly, no matter what you do, people probably weren’t looking anyway. They’ll be checking their newsfeed or trying to pick the best Snapchat filter to make their ex jealous with or just tagging their mates in memes, so go ahead, do mildly embarrassing stuff that you really don’t have to be embarrassed about because honestly, no one’s looking at you anyway.
Till next time