Baby TV: 20 Thoughts you’ve had while being forced to watch it

scouse bird baby tv fast frank the post train

From the moment they’re born, like it or not, our kids rule the roost. Even though we’re the one’s supposedly in charge, sometimes you’ll do anything just for 5 minutes peace while you put a wash on, have a cup of tea or just give your head a wobble – babies can be so inconsiderate. This is where Baby TV becomes a god send, but if you’ve even been forced to watch it for what feels like 24hrs a day then I guarantee these are some thoughts you’ve had…

  1. “Fast Frank is on the way, there will never ever be a delay!” Well mate, that’s false advertising isn’t it, because you’ve just been the jungle, the tundra and the swimming pool looking for Danny the Dolphin. Do you have any idea how long it takes to travel by train from the Tundra to the fucking jungle Frank? I find it hard to believe you’ve met your service level agreements regarding delivery time. scouse bird baby tv fast frank the post train
  2. Why the fuck does Freddy make Frank go all the round the world delivering a letter when he just turns up at the end anyway on his stupid little trolley?? Just deliver it yourself pal! You’re the one who keeps losing the note.
  3. I don’t know why everyone is ok with Frank demanding to see what’s in their mail. He’s taken about 3 weeks to turn up with their parcel and then goes, “Well go on, let me see what’s in there!” How about no hun? Cheeky get. Don’t let Baby TV teach our kids terrible manners!
  4. Did Fast Frank used to work for My Hermes?
  5. Are Tipa and Tupa shagging? scouse bird baby tv tipa and tupa
  6. Who’s the bad guy in Hungry Henry? Henry for demanding a food item from the menu and jumping on the table when they don’t have it in stock? Or the restaurant manager (who is possible the worst at stock management in the history of catering) who never has any food in. Ever. I mean it is rude to jump on tables like but Henry is a cat, it’s in his nature. As a restaurant, you’re there to serve food – like, YOU HAD ONE JOB.
  7. How cheeky is that restaurant fella for making his customers go out and buy the food. They made Hungry Henry go out and buy an apple the other day. An apple. The manager then plated it up and probably charged him a tenner for it. Cheeky bastard.scouse bird baby tv hungry henry
  8. Why is the little girl on the “This is my nose and these are my eyes” song the creepiest person I’ve ever seen in my life? She haunts my dreams.
  9. Why do the same kids have their birthday every other week. Miles has got to be collecting his free bus pass soon.
  10. Seriously, Tipa and Tupa have got to be at it haven’t they?
  11. Why is Grandpa Joe a normal human being and his grandkids are creepy eggs with legs? Is it actually a really dark, sad story and they died and he made replacments out of his magic blocks?
  12. Why does Grandpa Joe’s grandkid bowl right up to him, look him in the face and go “Grandpa I’m so excited to see you!” – he’s right there hun. Right there. You’re already seeing him.scouse bird baby tv grandpa joe
  13. Why is Little Lola a little brat bowling round a farm in America, traumatizing all the animals but the theme song is quite clearly Cockney?
  14. How has a Pokemon made it into the evening song? Is there not copyright? I mean I’m sure it would be fine if they said goodnight to sparrows, chicks and ducks but spearows, chicks and derks? Come on Baby TV, enunciate.
  15. For someone who hates the night time song, the evening song, the afternoon song and the morning song – I can’t half belt them out, word for word.
  16. The mum of Goodnight Bear needs to stop humouring him and get a grip of his lies before they spiral out of control. There’s telling a story, there’s white lies and then there’s these wild fantasies that this bear tries to pass off as the truth. If she’s not careful he’ll grow up to be that kid everyone hates because if you’ve been to Tenerife, he hasn’t just been to Elevenerife, he’s been to Jupiter on his lunch break.scouse bird baby tv goodnight teddy bear
  17. That dog from the riddle game needs to turn it in – “Is that my mane? Do I have a mane like that?” Hun if you’ve got this far in life and can’t remember whether or not you’ve got a mane, you’ve got problems. Chief, it’s clearly a lion’s. Stop being a smartarse prick.
  18. “I know! I know! Oh wait, I forgot” Must’ve been a lie then. Sit down and shut up.
  19. Seriously, what happens if Tipa and Tupa break up?
  20. The baby’s been asleep in bed for 2 hours, why the fuck am I still watching Baby TV?

Of course maybe you’re one of those mums who would never allow their child to watch Baby TV…


  1. I have a theory about Goodnight Bear. At the begginning of each episode, they show how Teddy is falling asleep and then the image gets diffused as if he were dreaming. And that’s when here mom shows up. I think that the mother is dead and the only way for Teddy to talk to her is in his dreams. Then, he tells her all about what he went through the day. If you have seen, the mother never appears on his tales.

    I think that It is very sad, but also more profound.

  2. Hysterical – I honestly don’t think I could of survived parenting without baby tv which has now graduated into the iPad -terrible mother I know but I just got the balls to admit i used technology to babysit while I get stuff done around house/have a pee in peace, swear I Duno how people used to get stuff done pre iPad/children’s Tv

  3. This is the best thing I have ever read!!! (Whilst my child is crawling all over the kitchen with Baby TV on a distraction… oh- The Goodnorning song has just come on!) …”now it’s, Morning” – YES I AM AWARE, my child has been up since 5am, cheers. It should be lunchtime!

  4. Given that I came by this post by googling “baby tv creepy” I have to say it is spot on! You’ve shared the exact same thoughts my SO and I have – and then some:

    1. Tipa and Tupa are definitely shagging. Not sure who’s active and who’s passive though.
    2. I’ve woken up screaming at night from the little girl from that song, waving to the camera.
    3. Kenny and Goorie don’t meet friends. They go around finding sad animals in what has to be the most depressive forest in existence, with inexplicably random pieces of trash in their kangaroo pouches they assemble into a deux-ex-machina to satisfy the narrator.
    4. Talk about cheeky, the girl who narrates is sure in a flipping hurry for them to finish up since the sad animal is always waiting – Well mate, what if they hadn’t shown up or didn’t have a million useless parts, huh?
    5. Sketch is in an abusive relationship with Mona – She just orders him around to create whatever the hell her twisted little mind wants at the time and when he has some balls to create what he wants she verbally abuses him. The nerve.
    6. Emma’s Theatre (The creepy witch-like girl from the ring o roses song) is the goddamned scariest cartoon I’ve ever seen – It’s like Saw, animated.
    7. Finally, Baby Butterfly is a HE? What the fork?

  5. Oh whahaha you are so right! Most of the things youre describing is exactly what i was thinking…oh that dog…do i’ve got wings? No! You are a dog…hahaha and frank is like santa, with a magical train…
    But what about Draco’s nose…doesn’t it remind you of something hahaha

    Greetins from Holland