Which Facebook ‘whore’ are you?

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Have you ever been guilty of calling someone a whore? I have. In fact, I use the term often to describe myself. I’m either a stupid whore, a scruffy whore or a lazy whore. It’s not that I’m being tough on myself, it’s just my vocabulary. In any case lately, or for the last 5 years at least, I’ve been a social media whore. That’s right, I’m in a relationship with Facebook, Instagram and I’m pretty much married to Twitter. Anyway, the other day I came across a study done by Brunel University that said people showed their true personalities in how they used Facebook. So what this means is that now people can work out the inner you without ever having to utter one word in your direction. I immediately felt panicked and naked, I mean could everyone really be using Facebook to rate me? And if so then where did that leave Facebook and myself? Might we have to break up?

So I took the study and decided to put it to the reality test. I used my own and my Facebook friend’s posts and made this less complicated list of what you are potentially showing everyone about you, on your personal feeds. Which type of Facebook whore are you?

1: Official Label: Low Self Esteem (Real Label: Needy, anxious and needs a good slap.)

If you have a friend on Facebook that constantly mentions their partner, husband, best friend or anyone else they are in a relationship with then they are crazy and a potential stalker. You know the type, they’re always posting things like ‘Having cuddles with ___’ or ‘Going out on a date night with ___’ Sometimes they will branch over to family references with ‘Love these guys so much’ (and include a photo of 6 distance cousins that they have bumped into in St Johns Market). The study says that they have low confidence and aren’t actually boasting but instead seeking love from their virtual followers. The problems start when you stop clicking the ‘like’ button on their statuses and then they start posting rants about how ‘no-one cares about them’ and they ‘feel lost’ in the world.

It’s annoying, it’s a little sad, but ultimately it’s frustrating. Especially when you saw the fella they are ‘having cuddles with’ in McDonald’s car park eating the face of some 18 year old blonde last Saturday. The best thing to do with these ‘friends’, is keep out of it, and if you are really nosey, keep your eye on it and watch the fireworks when the shit hits the fan.

 

2: Official Label: Conscientious – Real Label: Boring, obsessed with their kids, housewives.

Now I can fall into the category sometimes. Basically, anyone that consistently posts updates about their kids (especially their achievements,) or uses Facebook to wish people Happy Birthday. Perhaps they mark out social events in some sort of calendar system. Then they are in this group. As a Mum it’s hard not to be like this because (A) outside your kids it’s hard to remember what you actually like and (B) your only on Facebook in a moment of quiet time, so you use it as an online diary as well as a place to catch up on gossip. It actually has nothing to do with being organized or conscientious, it’s just a way to kill two birds with one stone and save a lot of time. Have you got an appointment to make? Do it on Facebook outside school at home time. Forgotten someone’s birthday because your heads up your arse? Go on Facebook that morning and say ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ (emoji, emoji, emoji) and you have remembered. Have the kids done something great? Stick it on Facebook so you don’t have to waste time calling every single relative to tell them. Plus big bonus, you can remind yourself to tell your Husband when he decides to come home.

Its dull as shit. But then to be honest, so is a housewives life. They clean, preen (the kids) and could sometimes drown themselves in the washing up bowl. But if they put that on Facebook, they would probably be sectioned. Have a heart, maybe just stop their notifications on your feed, but don’t delete them because they need friends too. Even if they are all inside a laptop.

3: Official Label: Narcissist – Real Label: Big headed dickhead/ or bitch.

We all have at least 5 of these on our friends list because let’s face it, society as a whole is loving themselves right now. So if you have a friend that promotes every single thing they do, starting with a random fart and working up to changing the world, then they are a big headed prick. For example, the mirror selfie of them on a Friday night is ok, but the mirror selfie of them in the morning, at work, at lunchtime, just before the gym after work, on their way out in the night time and then in pajamas before bed, every single day, is a bit too much. Plus does the world need to know when they have shit 2lb. Does the world need to know when they bought a new chest of drawers, found a particular style of wine glass, or dyed their hair (especially when it isn’t a colour change, just a root touch up.) Does everyone need to know what they have eaten for dinner, and even worse what they haven’t eaten, that you (you failure) have succumbed to. Do you really care that this friend got a low fat, sugar free, mocha latte from Café Nero when they got off the bus in Queens Square, did 10 squats and still got to work 20 minutes earlier than the cleaner.

Big heads are just that, BIG. You can’t see anything else on Facebook because they update every five minutes with their fabulousness. Plus then you can’t be bothered to post yourself. Because quite frankly, your just not worthy and that chuff you had on about your 30 percent discount on a MAC Contouring kit, just seems a little bit shit in comparison now. But don’t be put off. Keep updating. Only don’t get pissed off when they go and buy the same thing and put it in their feed with a bigger picture.

4: Official label: Extrovert – Real Label: Social animal, scared to be labelled boring

These are the ones that check in at every single place they are at. They sit down on the toilet in the Liverpool One facilities and check themselves in as ‘having a pee.’ They share their animals events (e.g.: at the vets with fluffy,) where they eat, where they drink, which cinema they go to, where they shop and every beauty appointment. If they are at the doctor, hospital, or dentists. You will know about it. In fact if you wanted to you could trail them day to day and have no problem bumping into them at least 4 times. You will start to notice patterns though, and also you have that great situation of knowing when they are trailing (or stalking) someone else. Plus, you can easily catch them out in a lie when you both check into the same place only they aren’t there and you are.

These guys aren’t bad, they are just really sociable. They like people to know they are sociable and they like being invited to places. They usually have at least 2000 friends of which they only personally know 50. But they are always guaranteed to provide you with a ‘Christ I wish that was me’ moment when you’re down in the mouth. The best thing about these types is that they leave reviews, so you can avoid every crap place they have paid to go to. Extroverts are keepers on Facebook, they give good service and can save you thousands in dodgy holiday locations.

Last but not least 5: Official Label: Open Minded – Real term: Internet junkie/ Nerd

Again another one I fall into. These are the people that share information on their Facebook walls. Articles, quotes, art, literature, University studies (get it, I am doing it now,) pictures, film reviews and anything they can pick up online or in the news. Obviously I like these friends because they stop me from having to find the information I want myself and they don’t share mundane day to day life crap. It’s cool when you logon and you Facebook feed looks like the front page on Sky News. Also they get information before anyone else. For instance when Deirdre Barlow passed away I knew about ten minutes after the event, and the royal baby, well I was over excitedly getting that picture within 2 minutes of seeing it on the news.

The trouble with these types is when they start sharing their own articles and they start to cross over into narcissist. It’s easily done, one minute you’re promoting Vogue, the next minute your writing about fashion like Anna Wintour after 3 Vodka Red Bulls. The lines get blurry for them, and they retain that much information that they get confused and start to think they are a revolutionary Stephen Hawking’s type. Stay friends with these. BUT don’t comment on their own articles as they welcome an open debate like a VIP invite to Garlands re-opening night. They are also good for stealing cool pictures from, because they spend most days Instagramming carefully researched images.

To be honest, I think anyone who is a whore like me will show a little bit of all of these traits. I don’t think people can actually tell what you are like from Facebook unless you are extreme in your usage. As with any pastime today, if you monitor your level of crazy and don’t get out of control, you shouldn’t have break up with anything (or possibly anyone.)

But be careful, and use this as a guideline to stay in check for the future. You don’t want to go too far and take it from me, there is no fun in being a virtual whore because ultimately you’re on your own, and where is the game in that?

XOXO

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