These days one cannot just simply have a baby, one has to do it better than anyone else. Follow our 9 step guide and you’ll officially be the best mum in the world.
9 steps to being a perfect mum
1. Before Baby arrives, get yourself a big arse pram. Even if you don’t plan on using a pram as you drive everywhere, you’re gonna need a shiny, frilly Silver Cross to showcase baba in. This doubles up as a handy feature in your living room, when six months later you have to take your TV to Cash Converters, to pay for baby’s first iPad.
2. You must dress baby head to toe in designer gear. If you don’t, you are a shite mum and will be vilified. Preferably find a ropey looking “Kidz Boutique” and use all the money at your disposal to dress your child in shades of white that show up any puke stains, ensuring that the outfit can be worn only once.
3. Go to Disneyland before the baby turns one. Ok, so the child won’t appreciate any of this, and would have just as much fun in its baby walker wobbling away to CBeebies and slobbering on a Wotsit, but it’s gonna need those Instagram pics when it’s older or you’re just fucking mean.
4. Consider Christmas clothes. Buy twelve complete tiny outfits for the twelve days of Christmas and brag on Facebook that you’re “all done” by September at the latest.
5. Beware the friend who passes on stuff that her baby has grown out of. You know the one. (The pretty blonde that doesn’t have to work because her husband is minted.) She will be all like ‘benevolent’ and shit and give you tonnes of expensive, soft and freshly washed, good-as-new baby kit. Bitch. She’s just waiting for you to use it so she can tell everyone you’re dressing your child in her cast-offs. Do yourself a favour, take the stuff, eBay it and put the money towards buying your toddler a better smartphone than her brat has got.
6. Now I don’t have daughters, but I’ve done a bit of research from mates that do. As they get older, if your little girl isn’t the prettiest cupcake in the box, you’re gonna want to fix this. Spray tans, teeth bleaching and HD brows isn’t just for us mums you know. Don’t be tight! Is she a bit of a porker? Get her on the Herbalife. It’s not good for her when she’s too young obvs. I think any time after they start solids is just fine. Prob. Don’t even bother trying to educate her on this healthy lifestyle thing. It’s a waste of time. Before you know it, the little cow will be in Maccies, necking burgers (and boys).
7. Your sons are gonna need three footy kits. Home, away and, er, whatever the other one is for. If you are any kind of decent mum you will get them THE DAY THEY COME OUT! This will cost you, and they can only wear them as long as the season lasts, but if you don’t invest, your neighbours will despise you. Yes they will. When your boy is little, it’s ok to have their name on the back of the strip, but when they stop being cute (about 7 or 8) you have to get the name of the most relevant footballer. If you and your kid don’t know who this is, ask the spotty kid in the shop. Do your research, people!
8. Teenage boys. Don’t try to understand this fashion. Just throw them wads of cash so they can purchase clothing that would protect them should they reach the summit of Everest. Resist the temptation to scream “But there ARE no mountains. We live in a city, at sea level, and you won’t even go out in the rain!” These boys know what’s what, and to be fair, when the police bring them back to your door for causing a fracas outside of Bargain Booze, you don’t want your neighbours thinking you’re a scruff for sending your kid out in a regular coat that isn’t all terrain resistant. Oh, and when your lad complains that his mate has trainees that cost four hundred quid, DO NOT shout, “But his dad’s a fucking drug dealer, they can afford it!” Just suck it up and sell your laptop.
9. When accessorising the older teenage boy, a scrambler bike is a must. How do you expect to guide your little prince into manhood without him experiencing this level of anti-social behaviour? Sure it’s illegal, dangerous and scares the crap out of old ladies, but your kid comes first. Remember to include a bandana or similar face covering so that he can’t be identified on CCTV. Remind him not to wear any kind of helmet when roaring round your estate on his bike. Not only will he mess up his carefully cultivated white boy ‘fro, how the hell is he supposed to effectively “Fuck The Matrix” whilst sporting sensible head gear? Parenting is hard. Sometimes we’ve got to make tough decisions.
So girls, what are you waiting for? Go find yourself a baby daddy! And if you can find one who is likely to pay the CSA when it all goes tits up, you’re a better woman than me! Good luck.