The Scouse Bird Commandments – GUEST BLOG | Scouse Bird Problems

I had a fantastic e-mail from a girl this week about ‘Scouse Bird Rules’ I asked if she would like to feature as a guest blogger as they were too funny not to share and she agreed…only if she could remain anonymous. So here you go, the Scouse Bird Commandments.

1. Thou shalt never text him first – his phones not broken and he’s not playing hard to get, he’s just a gobshite who can’t be bothered.

2. Thou shalt always have 1 backup guy MINIMUM. He will be a gobshite and you will need someone else to take the pain away. Who you will also need a backup for because he’ll be a tit too.

3. Thou shalt always remember drunk phone calls ruin lives – the solution is to get too drunk to have any recollection of making them.

4. Thou shalt know there’s no such thing as being overdressed – thou shalt not leave the house without her scouse brow or sunglasses and never EVER wearing kitten heels.

5. If he takes you to Maccies on your first date, thou shalt sack him off-everyone deserves to be treated like a prin in the beginning.

6. However If he brings you a Maccies when you’re hungover, smell like a brewery with last nights eyelashes sticking to your forehead and doesn’t run a mile then he’s a keeper. Thou shalt march the poor guy to the nearest registry office and pin him down.

7. Fake tanning isn’t a life choice, it’s a life necessity – go dark or go home.

8. Girls it’s fully acceptable for you to go the asda in rollers and your trackies but if you see your worst enemy do it then thou shalt say “eeeee what a tramp”

9. Thou shalt be on first name terms with online shopping delivery men. Let’s be honest they’ve seen you in your pjs more times than your fella they should basically be on your Christmas card list.

10. If you see your ex on a night out then thou shalt bust your moves in the middle of the dance floor whilst you’re looking super hot. If he’s a massive gobshite then get up on that stage and show him what he’s missing out on.

11. “There’s plenty more fish in the sea” let’s get one thing clear I’m not settling for just any old fish, I want one of them ones that change colour, has a funny light coming out the top of their head and will stroke my hair when I’m hungover.

12. Yes girls slut dropping in the shower to “drunk in love” does count as your form of daily exercise. As does running up the stairs after you’ve forgotten to turn your straighteners off.

13. If he won’t fake tan your back then this relationship won’t work. There’s the door, on your bike Mr Letdown.

14. If you’ve eaten a take away after a night out, that’s okay, between the hours of midnight and 6am any food eaten contains magical calories that don’t actually count.

15. Beyoncé is the Queen, anyone who disagrees needs their head seriously checking out.

16. If his main Tinder picture is a car swipe left INSTANTLY.

17. It’s never too early to start getting ready for the weekend, you basically need to start tanning on the Monday.

18. Sundays are made for hangovers, eating scran and crying quietly into your sick bucket as you remember the shameful moments of the night before-anything else is too productive and yes that includes getting dressed and brushing your hair.

19.You don’t need a fella when you’ve got 3 boxes of ice cream, a bottle of wine and 7 Channing Tatum films. And that’s just for starters.

20. You can ALWAYS afford a shopping trip-who needs rent money when you can have a new outfit and fit cheekbones?

by the amazingly funny & talented ‘Mini Scouse Prinny’ & her mate Jordan xx

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