I was late joining the parenting party not having had my first child until I was 31 and up until then my experience of ‘mums’ was mostly just having one of my own (who was boss by the way) I had never really given much thought about what type of mum I might become or that different ‘types’ of mum existed, they were just, you know ‘mums’.
Now with one child in school and another about to start nursery I feel like I have done my fair share of mother things. Whether it be the school yard ‘chats’ or attending baby groups, these experiences have led me to discover that there are seven different mum camps out there. Similar to Liam Neeson in Taken they each possess a very particular set of skills, skills they have acquired over time and depending on where you stand they are to be relished or avoided:
Whole Food Mum
Seen dishing out carrots constantly. She sings the praises of Rachel’s Organic Yogurt every time you speak to her and likes to wear huge scarves at all times.
Whole food mum only lets ‘Liberty/Moon/Clarity etc.’ play with organic, locally sourced wooden toys that have been crafted by an Artisan knob head who only makes said toys via personal referral. Whatever choices you make for your kids, hers are superior; the clothes, food, toys – anything really and they are all devoid of sugar, salt, man-made fibres, colour, laughter, life and fun.
Skill: Judging you.
She is friendly and will talk to anyone; she loves being a mum but still loves to look nice (when she can be bothered) and enjoys both times with her family as well as having her own interests. She will be the mum who rises above any playground gossip and suggest a glass of wine or cup of coffee one night instead. Sound mum is not afraid to make a fool of herself to make her kids laugh and doesn’t care what anyone thinks.
Skill: Giving no fucks
Often not that ‘yummy’ but refers to themselves and their clan as this. She can be seen sporting a Cath Kitson changing bag whist chasing an array of sprogs with unusual (crap) names more suited to animals. She is a lifelong member of the NCT and her ambition is to be middle aged. She is obsessed with all things ‘mum’ like and relishes in the attention she gets for being a mummy.
Skill: she would own mastermind with her knowledge of every breastfeeding/baby group within a 40mile radius, and has been to every one.
The Delusional Mum
She appears normal but it soon becomes clear that she doesn’t live in the real world. She fails to see what everyone else sees in her vile children. Whilst they are running round causing chaos and are the talk at the playground for being little bastards she will continually tell you how brilliant her kids are and how everyone loves my little ‘Elizabeth’ – who is everyone though? It’s likely to be her, her partner and her imaginary friend. ‘Elizabeth ‘ she will tell you is not naughty, she is in fact a genius and the school can’t offer her what her intellect requires. (Also known as not being able to deal with her terrible behaviour because it is against the law to lock her in the stationary cupboard)
Skill: Ignorant bliss
Nearly always wears leggings and anything she doesn’t have to iron. She is the mum who is stressed and tired, but happy. Normal mum is not ashamed that she has tried to wipe sick of her coat with a baby wipe (unsuccessfully) and then thought ‘fuck it’
She isn’t afraid to admit that parenting is hard and that she makes mistakes. She’s more than happy to laugh at herself and is down to earth. Although she loves her kids she doesn’t think they shit rainbows and doesn’t feel the need to be perfect.
Skill: She manages to get to work on time at least once a week.
Lonely Isolated Mum
She is the mum who stands on her own and doesn’t talk to the other mums. Maybe she is shy or starting friendships doesn’t come that easy to her. She might be dying to join in and a simple ‘hello’ or ‘how are you’ might mean the world to her. Mums can be dominating and being a mum can be a challenge so extend the hand of friendship. Just because someone doesn’t speak as loud it doesn’t mean that what they say what they have to say isn’t important.
Skill: Lonely mum might have many skills, interests and things in common with you. After all everything you deal with as a parent she does too, give it a chance and you might meet a mum comrade who you bond with for life.
Wonder Woman Mum.
Never a hair out of place, she looks amazing in anything that she wears. Often resembles Kim Kardashian carrying North during the school run. Wonder Woman Mum must never sleep as she manages to go to the gym, run slimming world, study, cook, work and raises kids. Basically she runs the world and looks fabulous doing it.
Skill: Being a humanoid robot, there is no other explanation.
Whilst these observations are obviously tongue in cheek the truth is no matter what type of mum you are it’s your choice to do it your way. All mums are wonder women in their own way and in my opinion if you haven’t accidentally set the house on fire today, left the kids in The Asda or killed the dog you’re already winning…