Scouse Bird Problems – Camping: 10 thing a Princess needs to survive

Posted On: 07/09/2014

By: Scouse Bird

Whether you’re a camping pro or a camping novice there are some things you need which are a no-brainer, for example a tent. You did pack the tent right? Right?! Camping can be as inconvenient or as comfortable as you make it. You can spend your night sleeping on the cold ground in the pitch black with your silents tears freezing before they’ve even rolled off your muddy face OR you can be as snug as a bug in a rug on an airbed as comfy as J-Lo’s arse looks – it’s up to you. 

Here’s 10 things you might not have thought of which will make a camping trip bearable, possibly even enjoyable to the average prinny:

1. Onepiece – These are the Gucci of the onesie world, I don’t even think you could call them a onesie, to do so would be an insult. They’re a thick jersey material instead of that jarg, sweaty Primark fleecy stuff, there’s pockets all over the show, they fit really well; even us tall birds haven’t got a cat in hell’s chance of a camel toe AND they look boss. The hoods zip right up over your face as well so when it’s 3am and the temperature outside the tent drops from cold to baltic to fuckin frabs, your nose won’t be running and going blue. Last time I  went camping I saw a few people in these and it was like we were in a secret club, a little nod to each other, like ‘we know, we know’. They are a little more pricey than your average primark all in one though I’ll give you that but if you use code BIRDPIECE at the checkout they’ll give you 20% off for the next week. If you want to order after that just use the contact form and I’ll e-mail the owner and ask him nicely for another code… They’re based in Norway but they love Scousers so it’s all good… 

2, She-wee – Yes you’ll be warm in your Onepiece but what happens when you want to go the loo? Getting naked in the middle of a field isn’t practical and neither is a 10 mile walk in the dark to the toilet block, especially not when you’ve broken the golden seal. Take feminism to the next level and buy your very own plastic penis, we’ve had rabbits for years anyway, it’s high time we weed standing up. Just undo the bottom zip (yes there is one for just an occasion) on the Onepiece y voila! Au natural relief. Just give it a rinse with no.9 afterwards…

3. Dry Shampoo – Campsites haven’t evolved to include on-site curly blows yet. I know, a total violation of our Scouse rights right? Keep the grease at bay for as long as possible with some industrial strength Batiste. Tip – don’t get Superdrugs’s own brand, I’m sure it’s cooking oil in a bottle.

4. Designer wellies – Bitch please, you can’t just wear ordinary wellies! Whether it’s a flowery number from St John’s or it’s a full blown current season pair of Hunters, you gotta rep for the fashionistas.

5. Vacuum wine cooler – Ice and ice blocks don’t last long so how else will you chill your prosecco? Yes i take prosecco camping, don’t you? Eeeee.

6. Portable charger – If you’re doing camping right then you won’t even have reception but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep refreshing Twitter every 5 minutes hoping for a miracle, or use the front camera AKA the mirror, or use the torch to go the toilet block because you forgot your she-wee. Iphones can’t handle this sort of battery pressure, take a portable charger.

7. Individual lashes – Just accept the fact that camping isn’t conducive to putting make-up on and for the most part you’re going to be “fresh faced” the whole time. Get some individual lashes on before you go, either done yourself or professionally and it’ll soften the shock every time you accidentally catch sight of yourself in the mirror. Cos urgh, no one needs to see that.

8. Girly hoody – What with no curly blows and no make up and having a plastic penis you’ll might start feeling a bit butch. Balance this out with a girly hoody, preferably pink just to overcampensate, you don’t want anyone mistaking you and the girls for a gang of fellas.

A reflctive hoody made for me by a company called Zhoodz

9. Water bag – Boss for rinsing a she-wee and having a brush of your teeth without doing that 10 mile walk to the toilet block we discussed. Be arsed waking up with beef pot noodle death breath. I live these horrors so you don’t have to.

10. A slave – For all the other stuff a prin just can’t be expected to do like pitching a tent, lighting a fire, in fact anything boring or strenuous in general, it’s recommended taking a slave eg your fella to do all the running round for you while you relax and be fabulous. You can take the prin out of Liverpool but you can’t take the prin our of the prin, even if you land her in the middle of Wales. Slavery has been abolished though so you can’t buy one if you don’t already have one. Soz.

Happy camping

XOXO

Scouse Bird

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