Scouse Bird Problems – Can I buy you a drink?

Gentlemen buying ladies a drink seems to be a lost art these days. We’re brought up to believe that a handsome man will lock eyes with us from across a crowded bar, saunter over and whisper in our ear seductively, “Let me buy you a drink?” The reality is more like “Eyar love it’s a doubles bar an me mates fucked off with some bird, dya want this JD & coke? (Full fat)” and that’s if we’re lucky.

Our ma’s had it easy. With them, allowing a man to buy them a drink was giving him permission to attempt to chat them up. Nowadays you practically have to show the fella that you’ve got condoms in your bag and a spare pair of knickers and spell it out to him that you’re gagging for it, just to be in with a chance of getting a swig of a blue WKD. Come on Scouse lads, you’ve got a rep of being generous here. Flash some frigging cash will you?

I understand that the majority of lads on a night out really are only after one thing…and by the same token you’ll argue that girls are only after a free ride. Here’s how to spot them.

The Man Slag

The ‘nail and bailers’ will generally be a bit worse for wear and have that slightly desperate look in their eyes. They’ll move from woman to woman getting the slightest hint of a knockback and thinking “Fuck this. Next!” I was in the Revolution once and I actually stood back and watched one lad work his way from one end of the bar to the other, sidling up to the next bird in line, trying his luck. By the time he got to me I just went, “Keep walking mate, you’ve got no chance.” Whatever happened to maybe investing a little bit of time in your target? Putting in a little bit of graft? I’m sure you’d get a higher success rate. Even if you are only after a quick shag, if you at least buy the girl a drink, ask for her number, suggest going out THEN try and blag her back to yours, you’ll probably get lucky more often. I guarantee if you find a girl with low self-esteem and she reckons you’re interested in birding her up then she’ll be hopping in a delta with you faster than you can say, “Mr Chips for a scran?” Low self-esteem girls are easy, then they get fucked off cos they’re easy, which in turn gives them low self-esteem. It’s a vicious slaggy circle.

The other more dangerous type of ‘nail and bailer’ is the extremely good looking, smooth talker. He knows he doesn’t need to buy you a drink to get you into bed. The thought of knocking around with a bit of arm candy like him is enough to send any girl gaga. Don’t talk to him. He’s an arsehole. They need taking down a peg or two so they’ll get a grip of themselves and start making an effort.

The Rinser

Likewise lads, if you’re talking to a bird and she’s dressed like a Desperate Scousewives cast member, be aware. Watch to see if she actually looks interested in what you have to say or whether she’s gone bog-eyed cos she’s got one eye on your wallet and one eye on how empty your bevvy is. If it’s the latter then she’s probably trying to time how long she’s going to have to endure your company before you have to go the bar, buy her a drink and she can go back to her mates to snarl other birds and look for a footy player. More fool you if your fall for this. However, if you’ve been chatting to a bird for a bit and you’re actually getting on and she’s actually sound, be polite and offer to buy her a drink. If you don’t she’ll either reckon you’re a tight arse or only after a quick shag. If you are then go back to my tip in the previous section.

#ScouseBirdTip – If you ARE going to buy her a drink then at least ask her what she wants. I’ve never been less impressed in my life than when some lad offered to buy me a drink and he came back and handed me a bottle of Stella. Bitch please! Do I look like a man head? Wait, don’t answer that.

An added bonus is that you can use the exercise to find out a little more about your intended target. You can tell a lot about a girl by what she orders:

 – A vodka & diet coke – She’s on a diet and she’s not pissed enough yet to fuck it up, therefore deffo not pissed enough yet for a one nighter. Keep them coming and maybe add tequila to the round.

 – Sex on the beach – She’s unsophisticated and probably a slag and/or a wool and/or jailbait. Possibly even a gypsy.

 – A bottle of beer – Man head

 – A pint of beer – Not interested in you unless you have a fanny

 – Cosmopolitan – High maintenance, thinks she’s in sex and the city but has no originality and probably no personality either.

 – Bottle of grey goose – She messin her? Tell her to fuck off.

 – Champagne – Trying to see if you’re minted. Will probably want you to keep her in new shoes. If she orders prosecco instead then she likes the taste of dry sparkling wine and therefore has a sophisticated pallet but isn’t pretentious.

 – Blue WKD – Doesn’t know who her dad is, has a Jeremy Kyle appearance lined up to find out. She’s possibly 15 years old. Swerve.

 – Diet Coke – Has handbag vodka and isn’t into you for your dough or has driven to town and isn’t drinking and is therefore a bad fridge. Dicey that one.

 – Vodka & soda/Whiskey & lemonade – She’s sound and an individual.

 – Mojito – Sheep. Follows the crowd. Not aware of the pitfalls of a high sugar diet.

 – Basil Grande or equivalent unusual cocktail – Likes to try something a bit different, she’s what the Cosmo girls want to be but fail miserably.

In summary – Slags drink sex on the beach. Don’t be a tightarse.

Originally posted on my Drink In Liverpool.com blog.

XOXO

Scouse Bird

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