Scouse Bird Problems – The 21 stages of checking your bank account

Posted On: 08/07/2015

By: Sophie Scott

Unless you’re Tamara Ecclestone, checking your bank account is one of the biggest emotional rollercoasters a gal can go through, along with getting getting your eyebrows done by a newbie. Join us for the ride…


1. Blind optimism – I am more than positive that this will be absolutely fine.

2. Hesitation – Do I really need to check it though? I mean give or take a few (hundred) quid. It’ll be fine.

3. Ok focus

4.Denial -But really, I’d rather just not know. Srsly.

5. Ignorance – is bliss. If I ignore it everything will be fine right.

6. Right come the fuck on, it will be fine

7. Anger-ffs what is the 24th digit of my password and why am I incapable of counting without having to use my fingers

8. Confidence is key -Just going to close my eyes and open them millimetre by millimetre

9. Joy -Oh, that’s not too bad

10. Horror part 1- that’s because none of direct debits for the month haven’t gone out yet

11.Horror part 2 – In which case I’m up shit creek without a paddle

12. Annoyance-what the fuck did I buy from Tesco Warwick at 6.24pm last Thursday?

13. More annoyance – ditto Boots at 1.53pm on Saturday?

14.Panic – why can’t I remember things. I’m losing my memory. What if i’ve got alzheimers?

15. Anger – no that is defo wrong, i’ve been the victim of identity fraud

16. Fleeting regret – why the fuck did I buy that Asos bikini? Tbf it will look unreal though on all the hols that i’m NOT going on

17. Entrepeneurial optimism – what can I ebay to liquidise some assets rapidly? Maybe that sold out Topshop playsuit from summer 2k13. Wonder if my mum would notice if I ebayed her Mulberry.

18.Dread-on a scale of 1-World War 3, how badly is this HELP ME PLS text to my dad going to go down?

19.I am dead – this is a very risky move

20. Reasoning – but he would rather give me funds than see me become a (high class) call girl right

21. Joy – fuck it its payday soon. Immediate disregard of reality in favour of buying alllll the MAC and Prosecco.


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