Scouse Bird Problems – How to Win on Social Media (without looking like a bitch)

Posted On: 07/01/2016

By: Kate Eden

“Living well is the best revenge,” said Shakespeare, or someone. And let’s face it ladies, what do we go online for, if not to fib for fucking England about how great our life is? Long, long ago, there were ways of achieving this using traditional methods such as the Vague Status or the Humble Brag, however due to a shift in consciousness in the early-mid twenty tens, this weaponry has now become obsolete.

Nowadays if you want to cause maximum life envy amongst your haters, there are some specific techniques you need to adopt. Think of the following as self help. You’re welcome.

  • The Selfie – The Selfie itself carries a lot less weight than it used to in days gone by. These days you could apply some eyelashes to a CARROT, contour it a bit and snap it at a flattering angle, and it would still look better than the real life you. No, what you need is an “accidental on purpose” selfie. Set up an “arty” picture of like, an orange or a cup. And then sneak into the background wearing a bikini and a spray tan.

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Get on the girl in the mirror…

  • The Holiday – This is a little nugget of wisdom that will serve you well. Ok, so you can’t outright lie, you can’t say that you’ve been to Marbella when you haven’t. But what you can say is this; “Can anyone recommend a good place to eat out in Dubai?” Ever so casually.

  • Blessed – To emphasise your happy family, DON’T go with the feeling “blessed” emoticon. Bitch please. That shit is so 2013. Do you really think that just because you squeezed a couple of snot nosed kids that the little baby Jesus waved his magic wand at you? Uh, no. And nobody else believes it either. In fact don’t even mention your children, because unless a royal or a rapper fathered them, nobody in cyber space really cares.

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Now that’s blessed

  • The High Life – Tag yourself in decent bars and high end shops wherever possible. Even when you’re not really there, you’re merely passing through their Wi-Fi range while on the way to Home and Bargain with your Nan.

 

  • House Envy – Now where you really score points in this game is by showing off your home, wealth and material possessions. But be careful. There’s no way of invoking the green-eyed monster by showing off the LIVE LAUGH LOVE wall art hanging above your Brighthouse couch. Here’s what you do. Find a mate with a boss house. Once there, take an “arty” picture of, like, an orange or a cup, and let the background clearly show your mate’s Aga range or Smeg fridge. Say nothing. Let that bitch from work draw her own conclusions.

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Finally, never let your guard down. There’s no place online for the real life you. So the next time you get shitfaced and are tempted to post something “fun” on social media, put down your phone and wait until your brain is functioning at optimum capacity. The Internet, like life itself, is no place for amateurs.

XOXO

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Hey birds and boys, just leave me your contact details and you won’t miss a single article I post XOXO

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