Scouse Bird Problems – Fake tan: How do you do yours?

Posted On: 10/08/2014

By: Scouse Bird

Any Scouse bird worth her salt will know that when it comes to skin, pale is stale. The British summer leaves so much to be desired and sun beds just aren’t even worth a mention – skin cancer aside have you seen Final Destination 3?? We can’t all live abroad in eternal sunshine so thank god for the humble invention that is fake tan, without it we’d be lost – a sea of ghosts. So what are your options?

1. Go it alone. This can be risky if you’re out of practice and nigh on impossible to get good coverge if you’re single. It’s just not worth getting a gobshite to bird you up for a golden glow. Home fake tan is the cheapest option but lets face it, it’s a massive ballache and unless you have a knack for it you’re just asking for streaks. It’s a legitimate excuse to swerve a night out because you haven’t fake tanned, and lord knows there’s been times when I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a kitten heel than start tanning at 23:52 at night cos i’ve left it ’til the last minute… again. We’ve all been there. Then there’s having permanently orange sheets – always buy black, it’s less upsetting that way.

2. Mobile spray tan. I’ve had a few and it’s just not my cup of tea. The stress of making sure the house is tidy ‘for guests’ coupled with finding spray tan in your bathroom tiles for weeks to come is too much for me to cope with – in short, I just can’t. Plus it’s so hard to find someone with a good technique. I’ve had one who knew I was behind “Scouse Bird” and felt the need to give me 3 coats….I was, to say the least, blorange. Never again.

3. Salon spray tan. The priciest option but my favourite. I’ve found a boss little place on Drury Lane in town called Infinity which my friend recommended. Perfect tan every time, minimal smell and in and out in 10 minutes flat. The only problem is getting home without looking a show whilst wearing the recommended post-tan clothing (baggy and loose fitting, no underwear and flip flops). The first time I used the leggings and Uggs I’d arrived in (streak city), my fellas grey trackies (he wasn’t happy and I looked like a manhead) and a leopard print onesie (the delta driver laughed at me all the way home but because I’d cut the elastic out of the ankles it was the most practical). Enter ‘The Bronzie’ – a video got shared on my Facebook of a new product, it was what I thought was a onesie – in fact called a Bronzie – specifically designed for tanning. It comes in black and pink with a leopard print hood (obv, amazing) and it’s loose fitting around the ankles and wrists but with a drawstring at the waist so it’s not totally shapeless. The girls in the video are shopping in town with their rollers in and their Bronzies and I dunno if it’s just because they’re little fitties but they didn’t look half bad. I shared the video and the owner (Scouser, naturally) was kind enough to send me one to try. It’s dead comfy and soft; the type of material that won’t stick to you- nothing worse! I for one can’t wait for spray tan season so I can try it out. It’d even be good for at home tanning because it won’t rub anywhere and you could use it as a normal lightweight onesie in the summer. They’re not on sale until next month but you can pre-order them at


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