Everyone loves a good selfie. Here are 11 things you’d only know if you’re a true selfie addict.
People could put bets on you uploading a snapchat at the same time every morning. Get up, get ready, do your hair & makeup perfectly and show the world how FIT you look today… as well as every other day. And when you take the perfect one, it gets uploaded on every social media platform you own, including EBay.
If you haven’t got a selfie ring (which you absolutely should have if you’re a true selfie queen) then you will know natural sunlight is your best friend. You know the EXACT time of day & best spot in your house to stand in for that perfect selfie lighting.
Not only does it take you 68 times to try and get the perfect selfie, but then you pick the winner & end up with 5 different versions of the same picture with alternative filters because they OBVIOUSLY all look completely different. You have to delete half your camera roll weekly to make room for new selfies cos you can’t handle the heartbreak of this:
To other people, 49 of the 63 selfies you’ve taken look the exact same, but to a selfie expert like yourself you can CLEARLY tell your chin is a little bit more lifted or your head is a bit more tilted on some. You know exactly how to hide your triple chin, make your ham arms look wafer thin & oh God, ALWAYS take them from above. You’ve also nearly broke your neck a few times tilting your head that much to get the perfect shot of the sun beaming off your highlighter.
Every single one of your selfies is from the same side and NEVER face on. You’ve tried – so many times – to take a selfie from the other side for a “change” but you literally delete it straight away because you look 3 stone heavier and can’t figure out the best angles from that side. You’re also constantly fighting with your best mate when you take a selfie together because you’ve got the same “side”.
Part of the struggle of taking the perfect selfie is what pose to do. People tell you to smile more and “stop the duck face” but you personally think smiling makes you look fat & pouting perfects your jaw line. You’ve tried so many times to do the subtle Kim K “smile with your eyes” look (cos we all know she’s the ultimate queen of the selfie) but just end up looking like you’ve got a cob on. You’ve also tried the slight eye squint and open lipped pout which literally makes you look like you’re about to sneeze so that’s also a no go.
You’re that addicted to selfies you’ve completely and utterly forgot how to pose for any other form of photo. How are you supposed to get the perfect picture when you can’t see what you look like in your front camera? The thought of having to take photos of yourself from the back of your camera circa 2007 makes you shudder. You’re close to a panic attack when someone asks for a picture which isn’t a selfie, but when you finally agree you scream “TAKE IT FROM ABOVE!!”. Always thinking about the angles.
You love your pet that much you constantly want them in your selfies. That’s until you throw a tantrum because the dog filter isn’t working on your actual dog – how RUDE?! You find yourself making the weirdest noises to try and make your pet stay still for a cute snap.
No, not because your fella is sick of you taking selfies of you together. It’s because he somehow manages to look perfect on every single picture without any effort and you turn into an envious monster. It’s clearly all the practice he’s got in as statistics show men actually take more selfies than women!
Everyone knows if you don’t do a birthday flipagram for your best mate, you’re not really best mates. And you do the BEST birthday collages because you’re so snap happy. You’ve got at least 50 selfies with every single person you know & you are known for saying “let’s get a selfie” to every person that looks at you.
You’ve never felt heartbreak until Snapchat removes your absolute favourite filter that makes you look an 11/10 & replaces it with one that turns you into a green lizard with a scary voice changer. What are you playing at Snapchat? You’re ruining my selfie game.