No longer are you a mere bus wanker. You now have freedom, a car that can take you anywhere (but most probably just to the maccies drive-thru), and you are king or queen of the road. Here are 12 things you now know…
Someone driving too slow… OH MY GOD, DO YOU NOT REALISE PEOPLE HAVE PLACES TO BE?! Someone driving too fast? Typical Audi wanker – there’s never any police around when he’s doing 80 in a 30 but I check my Snapchat at a red light and I get 3 points!
It doesn’t matter if you’re white, black, Asian or even a purple leprechaun, if a biggie song comes on whilst you’re driving, you will automatically turn into the godfather of hip-hop. Your left shoulder will drop and if you happen to be chewing gum, you will begin to chew it more gangsta-ly and add in a head bob. Hip hop becomes ten thousand times more cooler when you’re driving – no one knows why, it’s just science and we shouldn’t question it.
3.Stalling will be more embarrassing than your entire back catalogue of ex boyfriends.
No one ever gets over the fear of stalling. It’s a complete fail in life and the anxiety it produces when a red light turns green and you stall will never leave you.
When someone is that close behind you that you can see what shade of bargain bucket ‘glitterbabes’ pink frosted lipstick they’re wearing. Do you seriously want me to slam on because I will? I’ll get that whiplash claim into ‘Injury Lawyers 4 U’ so quick, don’t even test me. This is also relevant when someone is behind you and continually flashes you to go faster. Oh I’m sorry, did you drive out the womb as Lewis Hamilton? I didn’t think so, that’s right, over take me hastily only for us to end up next to each other at the next red light, where I will peer over with the most sarcastic smile and little wave. Bet that made you feel reaaal good didn’t it big man?
If you feel like you are too good to use the indicator and don’t feel the need to let people know where you intend to go, then I hope you experience a violent bout of diarrhoea. If I have taken it down to first gear at the roundabout and you decide you don’t need to tell me you’re leaving the roundabout, Lord help me, I will track you down and slash 3 tyres (if all 4 are slashed, the insurance has to pay out – just a tip if you’re dealing with an unruly gobshite).
If I pull out of a junction safely and you decide to speed up behind me because you’re dealing with some sort of crippling self esteem issue and having a big fast car makes you think it will help your penis grow, I will take it down to 13mph and allow you to enjoy the view, coz I’m nice like that.
Erm hi hello, I could have ploughed my vehicle into you, the least you could do is lift your hand and do that awkward half jog half walk. Knees to chest bitches, I gots places to be.
When a really good bit of the song comes up and you know you could boss it, but there are other drivers in the on coming traffic and you don’t want them to see your ugly singing face. The struggle truly is real.
Goodbye driving skills, hello not being able to differentiate between left and right. Just leave the area and find a different space, it’s fine.
If you don’t have at least 6 coats, 3 pairs of shoes, and a selection of day and night outfits for ”just in case’ situations then are you even using your car to the full?
It’s OK mum, you don’t have to slam your foot into the foot well every time I should break. You’re making me need a nervous poo for Christ sake.
When someone opens their door a little too wide next to yours and you’re thinking ‘I swear to god, you hit my door and I will drop kick that bottle of prosecco right out your hands’. When in reality, if they do happen to hit your car, you’ll look at them sternly for 3 seconds and then carry on with your day because your social anxiety permits you to partake in any sort of confrontation.
Whatever your driving style, always stay safe and sassy!