Girl’s find out everything, I’d advise you not to lie to them – however there are certain situations when quite frankly, we won’t thank you for the truth. While I’m not advocating a relationship based on lies there are some situations when the unspoken socially acceptable thing to do is to lie and lie HARD.
1. Do I look fat?
No, no, GOD NO! If she’s put on weight lately then she knows full well she’s put on weight and she’s just looking for reassurance that you still fancy the (big, fat) arse off her. There may well be some outfits which are too small for her now and are less than flattering – I’d go with a safe, “That other dress, the blue one, looks amazing on you. I think you’re proper fit in that one.” So even if she does look fat in something, the answer is ALWAYS “no”. Not to be confused with number 12 where the opposite is true.
2. Do you fancy such and such?
A direct attack. She’s finally got around to introducing you to that fit mate of hers who everyone fancies, EVERYONE. She knows you fancy her, you know she knows you fancy her, she knows you know she knows you fancy her but for the love of god man don’t cop to it. All she cares about is that you have eyes only for her so convince her of that.
3. Is there anyone you fancy apart from me? You can be honest with me.
A probing attack. She can’t think of anything you’ve done wrong lately and it’s probably coming up to Crank Hour. Crank Hour is like the witching hour but for crank behaviour. There is no right answer to this question. If you say no, you’re clearly lying, if you admit to it, well it’s world war 3. The absolute best thing you can do is admit to fancying some obscure celebrity, preferably one who looks like her and preferably one who’s dead. Is she a brunette? Go with Audrey Hepburn. A blonde? Marylin. A ginger? Fuck knows….Ginger Rogers maybe? In fact no, just run man, run! Abort! Abort! Abort!
4. Are you nearly ready?
You can’t rush perfection. She may respond with a sarcastic, “Do I fucking look ready?”. The best way to diffuse this situation is reply with a sincere, “Yes babe, you look amazing!” Even if her backcombing is still in the ‘brushed with a toffee apple’ stage, her eyelashes are hanging off and she’s in her underwear. The unexpected compliment should make her respond with, “Aww thanks babe” and she can continue getting ready, relaxed and safe in the knowledge that her boyfriend is boss. A boss liar, but still, boss.
5. Who was that texting?
Ever wondered how you can get texts off your mates and your mum all day long and nothing gets said but as soon as any female texts your bird pricks her head up and goes, “Who was that texting?” – It’s not coincidence it’s female psychic abilities. Like a primal telepathic network connecting women the world over, we all know what each other is up to. Just tell her the truth, even if it is that little slag from work who’s trying to get into you or the ex who won’t take the hint, even if you know there’s nothing in it. If her built in polygraph test goes off (and we all have one) she’ll just end up going through your phone while you’re in the shower and building up a dossier of evidence ready for a full blown cross examination. If she hasn’t done so already that is… most of the time if we ask you who or what something is, we already know. Never lie about this.
6. Yes have one more slice.
“Dya reckon I can get away with having another slice of pizza?” She’s going to Ibiza tomorrow, she’s got to get in a bikini, you know she’s going to be fuming with herself in the morning but you should never point this out. Go with a heartfelt, “Yeh babe you can afford to, you little fitty. Shall I crack open the Ben & Jerry’s?”
7. Have you ever done this before/Have you ever been here before?
You’ve finally, after months of coaxing, got her to do anal or some other kinky sex manouvre – this is probably a big deal to her and she wants to feel pretty fucking special about it. In the post sex glow as she waddles to the bathroom she may ask, “Have you ever done that before?” NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Do not respond with, “Oh yeh, me ex used to love it, she used to cum 10 times everytime I bummed her head off” (lying bitch). She’s just gonna fume and you’ll never do that with her again, her bumhole is no ones sloppy seconds. The same applies to holidays and dates, never admit to taking her somewhere you took your ex to you’ll just taint it you little gobshite. She might work it out for herself and you can admit to it then but 1. until that happens, avoid the truth at all costs and 2. Don’t expect to go back there. Ever.
8. Did you just check her out?
You did. She knows you did. The girl you checked out knows you did because we see everything….EVERYTHING. The safest escape route? “Did you just check her out?” “What? Who? Ay haven’t you got that top that bird was wearing? You look well fitter in it.” Saved like Pepe Reina lad.
9. Do you like it?
Your bird’s just cooked you a scran. It takes like feet. Just pretend you’re doing a bush tucker trial and get it down you and makes sure it’s always your turn to cook from now on.
10. You don’t mind do you?
If your bird asks you to take the bins out/empty the dishwasher/bring the washing in/massage her feet and follows it with “you don’t mind do you?” the only answer is “No of course not.” Because “You don’t mind do you?” actually means, “Do it now you ungrateful shit or I’ll make your life hell.”
11. Do you still fancy me in my pyjamas with no make up on?
This is another one you can’t win. The answer is obviously yes you do still fancy her in her scruffs, with 10 million whiteheads and slits for eyes because she’s not got a scrap of mascara on but if you say that, you’re lying anyway so… we got you all tied up on this one.
12. Would you still fancy me if I was fat?
Yes, goddamnit the answer is, “Yes of course I would babe but [here’s your saviour] I want to be with you for as long as possible and I want you to be healthy so you’ll live longer so if that ever happened we’ll go on a diet together.” Tough shit lad, if SHE gets fat, YOU’RE eating salad. This is not to be confused with number 1. where the answer is always NO. Getting the two mixed up could have disastrous consequences.