We all know those girls that can’t keep their private lives off social media – hell, we’ve probably all been one of those girls at one point or another (sometimes the urge to indirect tweet someone overtakes the urge for self-respect, what can I say). And whether we like to admit it or not, sometimes we quite enjoy observing their dramas and working out what’s going on.
In my years of experience of stalking observing people, I’ve noticed a little pattern emerge amongst a lot of dumped girls. If you suspect that a girl you stalk know is going through a breakup, then here are the six common phases to look out for…
If a girl suddenly posts something on social media about being upset, then already there’s a 90% chance that she’s referring to man problems because, well, men are dickheads and are always upsetting us. Once a girl has been dumped she’s very likely to head to social media to post something cryptic-yet-painfully-obvious about her heartbreak.
During this phase of blatant attention seeking, she’s making it clear that shit has gone down. Whether it’s to get the attention of other girls who will flock in with the ‘u ok hun?!’ replies or to get the attention of her former bae (because sobbing, clingy girls are so hot and appealing, yes?), nobody really knows. All we know is that our attention is piqued, and we continue watching for the next phase…
She’s listened to some Beyoncé, she’s had a pep talk from some of her mates, and she’s finally realised that her depressing tweets aren’t doing her any favours. Phase 2 is littered with posts about “my girls” and how from now on she’s “taking care of number 1”… often followed by the ‘100’ or tick emojis for no apparent reason.
These statements of sisterhood and independence would be super positive, if it wasn’t for the fact that they have came only 3 days after everyone realised she’s been dumped. Yes, Jesus might have risen from the dead in 3 days, but this is a BREAKUP we’re talking about. Don’t be acting like you’re over it already; you are not Jesus.
If the previous phases left you in any doubt, then you can ALWAYS spot a recently single girl by the amount of selfies she suddenly starts uploading (there’s also a scientific graph that shows the direct positive correlation between the amount of cleavage on show and the severity of the dumping… er, probably). Posting selfies post-breakup achieves the double whammy of showing her ex what he’s missing while also attracting the attention of other idiots men to make her ex jealous.
I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with the phase, but I wish girls would use it in moderation. Night out selfies are fine, but it gets beyond a joke when she’s uploading selfies with the caption “Off to the docs”. Nobody needs to see your makeup look for your smear test, nobody.
By now, she’s read the quote ‘success is the best revenge’ on someone’s Instagram and so is on a mission to prove her life is so much better now anyway. She will be creating the illusion that she’s super busy, but won’t state whom she’s actually with or what she’s doing. During phase 4, expect vague posts including “So much to look forward to!” or “Had the cutest night in last night” followed by the monkey emoji. Rest assured that the chances are all she really has to look forward to is her weekly shop, and the cute night in she had was probably just spent with her dog but hey, you can’t knock a girl for trying.
Something has happened to suddenly cause this girl to lose her cool and start FUMING. Maybe she’s started talking to lads on Twitter and became angry by how many of them want to move the conversation to Snapchat (less dick pics more dinner dates please, men of Tinder). Or maybe she’s heard something about her ex banging THAT girl from work. Either way, weeks of game playing during the other phases suddenly go down the drain and she becomes Twitter’s No. 1 Man Hater.
Expect tweets about men all being the same, furious memes about how he never knew what he had and loads of angry face/punching emojis. This is the social media equivalent of that girl you see at the end of the night kicking off with the men in the takeaway and going on a rampage. I suggest you deal with this the same way, by slowly eating your chips and side watching.
The wonderful thing about being a human is that time is a healer, there are plenty more dickheads in the sea and so on and so forth. Eventually, the girl will actually get over it and move on, and this final phase is characterised by her absence from social media (or at least less frequent postings, unless she’s moved to a cave). Once the constant seeking of validation and indirect tweets aimed at her ex are over, you can hazard a guess that she’s actually out enjoying herself. She might actually be quite relieved to be off the manic hamster wheel of trying to convince everyone how AMAZING her life is and can go back to tweeting about things like it being a nice day to hang out washing.
Everyone can breathe a social media sigh of relief for her dignity, while also creating a stash of flattering selfies just in case we’re the next ones to go through the cycle…