Posted On: 25/01/2016
By: Sue Bennett
There are all sorts of Scouse Birds, with all kinds of problems. I’m one of those glamourous indie rock and roll Scouse Birds. You know the sort that you find at Camp and Furnace or Constellations wearing high-waisted vintage jeans and asking for a curly blow to make me look like Farah Fawcett.
Well, this flicky-haired hippy girl is on a quest to answer some of the most infamous problems of love in Scouse Bird history and beyond! But I’m going to need some help. In a city that reverberates with songs on the very subject of love – and how it’s all we need – who better to ask for advice than one of Liverpool’s most recent musical legends and my old friend – Dave McCabe.
As lead singer of The Zutons, McCabe created one of the most notorious birds of all time with the eponymous Valerie. With his new band – Dave McCabe and the Ramifications – he revisits relationships and all of their modern problems. The album Church of Miami discusses the growing need for more human contact in an age dominated by technology. If Dave can solve those issues, he can do anything.
So without further ado – and with Dave’s help we can all sort our lives out; and if you’re listening Yoko Ono, Kim Cattrall, and Dolly Parton he’s even sorted your heads out too. Let’s take a look!
First on Dave’s couch is Yoko Ono’s classic problem: ‘Dave, me fella’s mates just don’t want me around – what should I do’?
Dave: ‘Next time you’re with your fellas mates make them some nice sandwiches and soup, and in the middle of the soup, or sandwich put some extra hot chilli powder. If that doesn’t get rid of them, you can always take some of your hot mates around instead, and they will soon change their tunes.
That’s sorted the Yoko classic out, but what about Dolly Parton? She’s not Scouse, but we’ve all been there – there’s some bird called Jolene that thinks she’s boss; and she’s tryin’ to take Dolly’s fella – how can she get rid of Jolene – for good?!
Dave: ‘Be friends with Jolene on Facebook and tag all of the crap pictures of her. Then find out what mutual friends you’ve got. Get some dirt from them. If that fails start a rumour yourself. Something along the lines of: ‘she stuck a spoon up her arse in a party with all pyaaar fellas and no birds. And when we were on holiday in Spain a couple of years ago she proper shit her knickers one night in a bar’.
Dave, it’s me, Valerie. I always wanted to come over but I never had the confidence. How do I overcome being shy around fellas I fancy?
Dave: Listen girl, we all started somewhere, like a shell fish on the shores of time. I know if I never made it in a band, I would never get a bird, and look at me now – I’ve got the best bird going and I’m still Mr.Chubb. It’s the personality that counts, but if you’re not in your 30s like me, I supposed you’re fucked and you’ll have to wait love. Like a homemade Vindaloo, or a fine wine.
Bloody ‘ell Dave, I thought Valerie would never come over, glad you two finally had a chat. But listen, Dave, the Scouse Bird Problems just keep coming, and they affect everyone – even Kim Cattrall. We all know that she is the epitome of Scouse Bird glamour, and it’s no secret she’s been playing ‘the horny one’ on the telly for years. She’s probably still getting typecast both on and off screen – how does she get fellas to see her as more than just a piece of meat?
Dave: ‘Kim, start by staying in more, and closing your legs. Maybe move back to Liverpool, and prove to everyone you’re not a mannequin. It’s like that thing when people talk about you behind your back. Believe me Kim, I’ve been there. The best thing you can do in that situation is just stand right next to the person doing the bitching, and they’ll soon stop talking; it makes everything really awkward – coz they know you can hear them!’
That’s some serious Scouse wisdom – is your new single Let Me Go about a Scouse Bird?
Dave: ‘Basically I got chased by this woman, Denise, once when I was a nipper for robbing Astro Belts. That is the inspiration for the music video of me in space. I ran down the road. When Denise caught me she wouldn’t let go of my arm until my Mum came and smacked my ass in front of everyone outside the shops. Then I cried, and my Mum took me home, and that’s what the songs about??? Haha.
Dave, I’ve been thinking about our late great Cilla and the challenges she’d have now as a modern matchmaker to Scouse Birds with love problems. I wish she was here to answer our woes – how would you solve the following problem of the modern lady?
A Scouse Bird: ‘My fella has been on a night out without me, and now he’s got this new female mate on Facebook. How do I find out what really happened between them’?
Dave: I reckon they know each other from going out over the years, and maybe had a flirt, but no sexy time or kissing. But when SHE got in, she had a little Facey stalk being the perverted bitch she is, and accidentally on purpose pressed the Friend button?
Let’s hope so Dave; I love how angry you are on our behalf – literally fuming for us!
In the meantime I’ll study your wisdom through your album Church of Miami. You can see Dave McCabe and the Ramifications, kaftans and all, at Liverpool Internationa Music Festival this summer. Get Ramified, and good luck out there girls.
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