by Rachel at Scouse Bird HQ
Ohh January.. The beginning of a new year.. the tree is down, Mariah Carey is minted again and it’s time for a fresh start!
JK, I’ve actually been wearing the same pyjamas for a week because literally none of the washing’s been done and I can’t even find the washing basket underneath all the re-gifts I promised Auntie Karen I loved and 100% wouldn’t give to the neighbours daughter when I forget her birthday again.
Plus my fitness tracker keeps telling me I need to be more active which is pretty rude and let’s be honest with ourselves now, if I’m picking up my phone to check anything it’s what time my chippy’s getting here.. But at some point I should probably just get a grip… right?
So what is the easiest and less “be assed” way to get healthy and get your life together in 2019?
Yes, join a Gym!
A lot of people tell you that joining a gym is a pretty straight forward two step process, “Find Gym, Join Gym”, but they’re the same people who stop eating when they’re full and I’m just not about that life right now.
I like to think all of those years of getting a membership and never actually going helped me to create the perfect 11 step guide to joining the gym;
Step 1. Find a Gym
This can literally be anywhere you fancy, however I’d recommend somewhere far enough to get away with saying “Oh it’s just out of my way today and I don’t really have the time” – you can’t do that if it’s next door to your house, so be smart.
Step 2. Google it to try and get a free sign up voucher.
Now, stay focused because as soon as you crack open that voucher page you’re going to get bombarded with food vouchers and I don’t know about you, but I’m not about to pass up a 2 for 1 Frankie and Benny’s main.
Step 3. Put your phone down to get a packet of crisps and forget all about it.
Step 4. Go to check Facebook and see the sign up page judging you for the crisps.
I wouldn’t mind but it’s always a picture of a bodybuilder staring me down through the screen. Picture or not mate I’m not messin’ with her.
Step 5. Decide to just pay the daily fee.
Because last year you got a monthly membership and paid 30 quid a month to use the membership card to scrape ice off you car.
Step 6. Get up early on Saturday morning to go the gym.
Convince yourself you’ve morphed into an entirely different person with a completely different outlook on life, you even ordered a food diary while you were watching cake boss and shoving biscuits in your mouth at 4am.
Step 7. Gym Clothes
Remember “I don’t even own any nice gym clothes, the 25 pairs of nike running leggings I’ve got are for casual but not gym casual, yano?” Scouse Bird Shop does a fab range, from size 6 to 26…. just saying.
Step 8. Go to town to get yourself a new Gym wardrobe.
Then forget why you’re actually there and stop off at Maccies on the way home..
Step 9. Go to the gym and Pay your daily fee.
“How much, just for a day.. are you havin’ a laugh!?”
Then go get changed and day-dream about how healthy you’re gonna be this time next year.
Step 10. Realise you really can’t be arsed.
Remember you literally have not got the patience for this kind of lifestyle, so you turn around go home and order a Full english.
Fuck January anyway.