Scouse Bird Problems – The 5 Rules Of Using Tinder

Posted On: 17/08/2015

By: Scouse Bird & Anonymous

It seems to me that 90% of single (or not so single) millenials are on Tinder these days. My friend met “the love of her life” on there and I was dealing with a horrendous break up so she forced me to sign up.

During the first few weeks of being on Tinder I wasn’t really interested; I’d had a few matches here and there but no one was setting my loins on fire, let alone my heart.  Bit by bit as I got over my heartbreak I found it easier to consider swiping right on potential dates; the result was shocking. Within a few days I’d seen more dick pics than the entire production team of ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ and ‘Adult TV XXX’ put together.  As entertaining as weird dicks are, especially over a bottle of prosecco with the girls, it wasn’t really my cup of tea and I binned Tinder off; not before going on a couple of mediocre dates first though. Here’s what I learnt about navigating Tinder as a newly raw singleton…

Never Give Out Your Number

Until you’ve met up with them and are 100% sure they’re genuine and not a bot or catfish then giving out your precious digits is a big no-no. For example: I’d been talking to a lad who seemed nice, we’d had a good rapport and best of all he hadn’t sent me any pictures of his malformed junk so I was more than happy to hand over my number. Big mistake!

He was a student with a penchant for drunk dialling – I mean we all drunk dial but it’s not cool when you’re out every night and your potential date has a 9-5 office job. I did NOT appreciate being woken up at 3.30am every night . Go and shove your quadvods, your Raz stench and your student loan up your arse lad. I blocked his number so he hit me up on Facebook messenger. I blocked him on that and he hit me up on Instagram. I mean mad respect for his tenacity but I’m just glad I didn’t give him my ebay id put it that way.

The Dates

Once you’ve been speaking to someone for about a week or so they tend to ask you out. I’ve been on a few dates, with wildly varying success but generally just keep an open mind and your expectations low and then whatever happens you may be pleasantly surprised.

Date escape plan

Always have a Plan B in case the date is shit and you’d rather peel your own skin off than listen to one more of his “hilarious” stories. Having a best friend briefed to call up with an emergency is a classic, or of course you can pre-empt the whole thing by saying you can only stay for a couple of drinks from the off because you have a ‘family thing’ to go to and if the date does end up going well you can just say it’s cancelled.

Have Fun

At the end of the day, dating is supposed to be fun.  Whether that fun takes the form of a one night stand, a hilariously bad date or laughing with your mates at the dick pictures you get sent – just remember to enjoy it!

Be Safe

Online dating is the norm now, everyone does it – there’s no need to be embarrassed about going on a “Tinder Date” so you should always tell at least one person where you’re going and the name of the person your meeting.  If you think going on an internet date is embarrassing just wait until you’re missing and on the front page of The Echo. 

Also remember to practice safe sex. Seriously. We’re in an age of sexual freedom and liberation for both sexes but there’s nothing worse than having to make a trip to the GUM clinic after a stupid fumble to find out you’ve caught something nasty…


Hey birds and boys, just leave me your contact details and you won’t miss a single article I post XOXO

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