The Juice FM Style Awards | Scouse Bird Problems

Originally published in November 2013 on

As you might be aware I recently won a Juice FM Style award in the Fashionista category. I was invited to the Juice awards back in June and I was doing cartwheels just to be invited.

I asked my mate Lizzy to be my plus one, even though I had a fella at the time; we were the same height and this was an event where high heels are mandatory. Ain’t nobody gonna be looking stylish in ballet pumps and a wow dress. Tall girl problems.

Imagine my surprise when a couple of months later I received an e-mail when I was on my way to the gym saying I’d been nominated, and in the fashionista category of all things. Now if there was an award for being boss at twitter I would’ve said it was in the bag, but fashion? I wasn’t so sure. I honestly never thought I’d see the day when I’d be nominated for anything to do with fashion. Even up to last year I was making some SERIOUSLY questionable fashion choices. I would always look at girls walking down the street looking all glamourous and polished and wish I was them. The truth is that I’ve always loved fashion but I’ve never had much money; I bought my first house when I was 19, on my own, so I’ve pretty much always been up to my eyes in bills. You try looking polished when you can only afford to shop in Primark and end of season sales, it’s really not easy. Luckily buying a couple of houses when I was young is starting to pay off and now I’m lucky enough to even be able to afford the odd pair of Jimmy Choos. Now (about 70% of the time anyway) I’m one of those polished girls you see swanning down the street with their bag in their elbow crook, swishing their curly blow. Go me.

Naturally as soon as I read the Juice nomination e-mail I did two things; 1) Hot footed it round to Mark Melia and said “I need a dress and I need it fabulous. I also need you to sabotage Jade Ainsworth’s (another nominee)” 2) Wondered how the hell I was going to keep my identity a secret if I actually won.

I e-mailed Zoe from Juice and started making all sorts of diva demands regarding photoshopping Coleen’s head onto any photographs but it all started getting a bit ridiculous. In the end I went into Juice the week before the award ceremony and recorded Scouse Bird’s acceptance speech:

“Soz aba me not being there to collect the award tonight, I’ve been caught up at a fashion emergency. Saw some bird buyin a leopard print halter neck, a leopard print skirt, leopard print shoes and a leopard print jacket in Primarni an actually lookin like she was contemplatin wearin them all at once. I love a bit of leopard print but, yano, sheow.…you’se just can’t be left alone for 5 minutes can you’se? While I’m ere tho, I do wanna raise awareness of the current kitten heel pandemic. This is no joke and its spreading fast; kitten heels are everywhere. Even Cricket are stocking them, Cricket!! Sure, they’re Louboutins but still, it’s NOT ok. Please donate just £2 a month and we can try and buy people a sense of style. Thanks for voting & remember; Fashion fades, but Scouse is eternal.”

Just for the record, the girl who writes the Scouse Bird character would like to say:

“Thank you so much for voting everyone I am seriously overwhelmed. I can’t believe that this time last year I wasn’t even on the radar to be invited to this event and now here I am winning an award. I’m made up. Thank you once again I really do appreciate it”

The night of the awards we swanned in an hour late (Lizzy comes from Kirkby and their taxi service is notoriously shite….but then what taxi company isn’t?) and arrived at the same time as Vicky from Geordie Shore. Proper nailed the fashionably late thing. I was terrified that we’d missed the scran; I still know what my priorities are! We downed a couple of ‘steady the nerves’ wines and practised my “Oh I’m dead made up you won, you deserve it….slag” face in case I didn’t win. I have bitchy resting face so any derivative of a snarl comes naturally.

My award was up first and honestly I can’t really remember it. As soon as my name got announced I don’t think I could have told you what my name actually was and I certainly couldn’t feel my legs. God help me if I’d actually had to get up on stage. Instead I just had to cringe listening to my recorded speech goin “EEEEEE I don’t even sound like that!”

I have to say my absolute favourite speeches of the night came from Alex Gerrard. She won Most Stylish Scouser and got up on stage and said “Thanks for voting” then got off. Then later on she accepted Stylish Sports Personality on behalf of Stevie G and said “Ste says thanks” and got off again. She’s amazing, I love her.

The night went downhill from there. Without going into too much detail I ended up havin a good old vodka fuelled whinge in the Monique’s toilets over a gobshite. Friggin gobshites. They can ruin any occasion without even trying can’t they? No one is immune from their charms, not even someone who claims to know better like me, so don’t feel bad girls. Still, you can’t keep a Scouse Bird down for long… onwards and upwards!

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