Scouse Bird Problems – The One Year Itch

Posted On: 09/10/2014

By: Kelsey Cullen & Scouse Bird

If you’ve passed the one year mark with your current fella, you might recognise a few of these situations…

1. You can describe your bowel movements in great detail to one another; for example, babe guess what? I’ve finally shit/I can’t stop shitting. I feel all empty and lovely and now I’ve got room for more pizza.

2. You can have a bottle of wine and text your fella how much he does your head in even though you know he’s probably asleep – and he’ll still love you in the morning.

3. He knows that it was the wine talking and not you but will suggest sneaky ways to make it up to him anyway. You have to let him win sometimes, just so that he still thinks he’s in charge.

4. He knows your bank details off by heart in case you fancy buying the girls 8 rounds of shots at Cava and run out of funds… Again.

5. You deliberately leave your legs and Southern regions for another week (or so) because he stroked your legs and mentioned the word hedgehog in a conversation one time and that’s just not on.

6. He gives you the panicked ‘Are we goin halves?’ look, in Almost Famous when you’ve downed 5 ‘bitch juices’. 

7. One of you brings up kids for 0.5 seconds and you make out like you want to vomit but secretly you’re a bit made up.

8. He understands the difference between the “I’m cuddling you because I love you” cuddle and the “I’m cuddling you but I’m fucking fuming” cuddle.

9. He’s seen your mum so he knows what he’s in for. 

10. You’ve seen his Dad so you know what you’re in for. (Can anyone say premature balding and a paunch?)

11. You’ve had the “How hard is it to go the maccies for me because I’m hungover? As if I’m coming with you I look like a smack head!” argument at least 23 times.

12. You watch him eating a chippy tea and think, “Shit he’s got a belly on him.”

13. You then stroke his chippy belly and go “Aaaawwwwww…” Until he fumes.

14. You’ve scared yourself at least once by chilling in bed on a Sunday morning and thinking “SHIT I could get used to this forever”

15. You’ve thought, “This time last year I was twatted in Ibiza with the girls with not a care in the world.” or, more likely, “This time last year I was eating my own body weight in carbs every night and making questionable life choices under the influence of vodka.” 

16. You can have a blazing argument and know your not going to split up… so you might as well just keep ranting at each other anyway.

17. You have a traditional post rant Nando’s. Whoever’s been the biggest tit pays. (Usually him).

18. He knows when and what type of tampons to buy.

19. He’s accepted the fact that you will find out everything, so he doesn’t bother lying to you. You are all seeing, all knowing… like God.

20. You’re able to ‘lean on him’ like the mob to get him to do things, without him knowing that you’ve even been involved. He thinks it’s all his idea.

Here’s to year 2 gobshite, my gobshite.

Follow Kelsey on Twitter


Other articles you might like:

Scouse wedding vows

12 times when you should lie to your girlfriend

Online dating: What do couples think 

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