Scouse Bird Problems – Restaurants – Pack it in!


Posted On: 24/09/2014

By: Zoe Delaney

This year I’ve eaten out a hell of a lot – my new ‘fuller figure’ is testament to that. I’ve scoffed my way around the city due to a combination of the fact that I live in town, I’m a bit of a greedy bitch and I’m far too lazy to cook half of the time.

Even though I’m becoming a bit of a ‘foodie’ (I feel so dirty for typing that) I’m in awe of anyone who can articulately describe how food tastes; maybe if I didn’t inhale my food I’d be in a better place to explain just what my taste buds experience. My review range is limited to a ‘that was dead nice, that’ analysis to a simple ‘well that was crap’ criticism. I feel like Giles Coren if I ever successfully label an inoffensive, yet boring, dish as ‘bland’ and my smug alarm goes off. I can however, due to be being a bit of a crank, articulate what pisses me off in restaurants:

  • Drinks being served in jam jars. 2014 is coming to an end; it’s not unique or quirky anymore, think of something new – the club in Eastender’s uses them now so I think we can all agree it’s over. If I’m paying a few quid for a can of coke then serve it me in a glass at least.
  • Chips in cups. The food equivalent of the jam jars. What’s with everywhere shoving fries in a cup recently– could someone not be arsed washing any dishes one day and now it’s a thing?
  • Venues trying to make slaw happen. Now, I’ve never been a big fan of the cabbage based salad but this year I’ve developed an intense hatred of it simply due to how it’s presented to diners on menus. We’ve got ‘The Hub-Slaw’, ‘Bride-Slaw’ and the ‘House-Slaw’ to name but a few. Stop it. To quote Mean Girls “Restaurants, stop trying to make ‘slaw happen. It’s not going to happen”.
  • Pulled pork & sweet potato fries. I’m cutting my nose off to spite my face a bit with this one, as I’m obsessed with sweet potato, but a bit of variety please, restaurants. Greggs offers a pulled pork pasty now so it’s hardly the hallmark of a high-end eatery these days. Can we have a new ‘trendy’ food already?  Scotch eggs, perhaps? I’m ready to clog up my arteries with them delicious balls of fat.
  • Burger off. No more burgers! Enough! If you’re thinking of opening a new restaurant in Liverpool then steer clear of a gourmet Maccies theme – we’re full to brim with them and several amazing places have already nailed it. Bringing a burger joint to Liverpool now is like taking coal to Newcastle (or a more up to date idiom if you can think of one). Can 2015 please be the year of the pizza or something?
  • Menus on clip board. When I’m choosing what dish I want to stuff my face with, I don’t want to feel like I’m about to take notes on a Health & Safety assessment. There’s a lot to be said for the humble, laminated A4 menu.
  • Barbeque Sauce. Not everything has to be marinated, seasoned and accompanied with BBQ sauce – Jack Daniels infused or otherwise.
  • Stop neglecting the salad grafters. Yes, plenty of things taste better than being skinny feels, mainly carbs, but those of us not blessed with a supermodel’s fast metabolism (or an appetite suppressing drug addiction) need healthier alternatives to all the fried goodness on offer. Diets are boring at the best of times without having to just order the salad every time when dining out.
  • Twitter obsessed venues. It’s bad enough that we’ve got to the point where we charge our electronic books and cigarettes but we also have cope with the local pub trying to add us as a friend on social media. Twitter is an amazing marketing tool but some bars and restaurants seem to care more about their followers than the people actually sat in their venue, eating their food. A little less time spent on Twitter and a bit more time spent in the kitchen would be beneficial to some places across Liverpool. (Oo er – I sound like a teacher on an end of term report).

 Follow Zoe on twitter here, I promise she’s hilarious.


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