Scouse Bird Problems – 7 Items To Make Your Festival Experience Feel Luxury

Posted On: 17/07/2017

By: Steph Bannister

Ok so you cant afford to drop a few grand on the VIP camping experience but nevertheless, you’ve got your flower headband on order and enough glitter to keep a unicorn fed for a month – you are festival ready. But before you head off to V Fest or Kendal Calling, here’s some things that you might have overlooked, which I guarantee will make your whole experience a little bit extra…

A big tent

For a start, lets forget those horrendous 1 or 2 man tents. I wish they didn’t exist. I’m a seasoned camper and I can’t think of anything that gives me more anxiety than tryng to get changed in something as roomy as a coffin. No thanks. Invest in a bigger tent that’ll see you through many festivals to come. The Coleman Cortez Octagon 8 is a boss tent for this and here’s why:

  • It’s a round ‘circus style’ with one big room inside that you can stand up in. It might not sound like a big deal but being able to stand up in your tent makes such a difference when you’re living it up in the great outdoors (and having a babywipe wash).
  • You can spot it dead easily in a sea of tents if you’re taking it to a festival – not only because it comes in either bright orange or bright green but it towers over all of those crappy pop up tents which’ll leave other fezzy goers green with envy. Ditto goes for normal camping – the octagon 8 can hold it’s own with any trailer tent/super size tents out there
  • Technically it sleeps 8 people, which translates to 2 glampers 💅.
  • It comes with a room divider so you could split the big room into two if you wanted to – great if you’re going with a mixed group.
  • It’s easy to put up (my husband can do it single handedly in 15 minutes… no messing, I’ve timed him).
  • It’s easy to put back away as well – everything is colour coded so you know where to pack everything.
  • The tent bag comes on wheels (easier to drag to your spot at a festival) which is also the perfect size for taking back the car to carry “equipment” (crates of ale) back to your spot.

#TopTip – Even with the tiniest bit of rain, the place will get muddy. I’m talking rivers of mud. Help keep the mud out of your tent by keeping a washing up bowl of water outside the door with a scrubbing brush – before going inside just rinse off your wellies. Voila! Clean tent!

A pull along cart

Imagine my tears of frustration when I bought a cheap camping cart only for it to literally collapse in the queue on the way into V-Fest on the FIRST trip from the car. Actually devastated. Trust me, the best thing you can invest in is a good cart – the walk to and from the car can be a long one – especially if you’re carrying 843 cans of Rekorderling Mango & Raspberry cider through the mud. What you want is a dead good cart and this Micro Wagon from Micro Scooters is just perfect. It holds up to 15 stone, so if one of your party has too much and makes a show of themselves you can cart them back the tent 😆 It opens up easily and collapses almost to nothing so it won’t take up too much space in the car either.

A plastic penis

No I’m not talking about bringing your rabbit along for the ride, although if that’s what you want to do then that’s your business. What happens when you want to go the loo and the nearest toilets are miles away and the act you’ve been looking forward to for months is about to come on stage? Getting naked in the middle of a field isn’t practical and neither is a 10 mile walk to the toilet block, especially not when you’ve broken the golden seal. Take feminism to the next level and buy your very own plastic penis AKA a She-wee; we’ve had rabbits for years anyway, it’s high time we wee’d standing up – these are life savers!

#Toptip – Go inside the curtains rather than outside to ensure no spillage 🙈

Dry Shampoo

Some festivals have evolved to include on-site curly blows but really, can you be assed fighting over a hairdresser with a million other girls demanding the same basic human right to great hair? Keep the grease at bay for as long as possible with some industrial strength dry shampoo and skull braids.

#BONUSTIP – If it’s roasting at the fezzy then fear not, dry shampoo also doubles up as chubby rub relief. Just a quick spray between the thighs. Trust me.

Designer wellies

Bitch please, you can’t just wear ordinary wellies! Whether you’re gonna pick up a pair from St John’s or splash out on a full blown current season pair of Hunters, you gotta rep for the fashionistas. 

#TopTip – make sure you wear with a knee length pair of big thick socks to prevent wellies rubbing on your legs. Leg blisters – that shit hurts.

#TopTip2 – when walking in mud, dig your heel in, it gives you a slightly better grip and will help stop you going flying.

Camping Chairs

Foldaway camping chairs are perfect for getting ‘based’ while you’re watching the acts back to back – the cheap £5 ones you can get from any supermarket do break easily. You get what you pay for. If you go camping and/or to festivals a lot then this is something it’s worth investing in for the future. These ones from Coleman are made out of bungee cord so they’re dead dead comfy and really sturdy too. Scouse Bird’s ass approves them – and they can match your Coleman tent too for extra prinnification.

#TopTip – Foldaway ones with the carry bags – You can smuggle 4 cans of ale in each one (two in the legs and two in the chair) which is perfect for the festivals who don’t allow alcohol in the main arena. Booo.

Bracelet hip flask

While we’re on the subject of alcohol smuggling – how’s this for foolproof? A bangle that can hold 100ml of vodka (or gin or whatever your poison is). A fab fashion accessory that’ll have you drinking luxury gin at ‘complimentary VIP drinks’ prices

Enjoy your summer everyone! And of course if you haven’t booked your festival tickets yet then what the hell are you waiting for? Jay-Z is playing V FFS! Beyonce might be there!!!


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