Scouse Bird Problems – Are you Scouse Bird?

Posted On: 15/02/2014

By: Scouse Bird

Av I gorra telly on me ‘ead? Maybe not, but your head (and body) could actually be on the telly. For the past year or so me and Old Scouse Bird have been writing a sitcom after being approached by a production company. It’s something we’ve kept deadly quiet until we knew what was happening with it but since signing with a new agent (eee I know, proper showbiz – but these sort of things need to be done if that’s the area you want to get into) we’ve decided on a different approach and we’re going to film a pilot. I’m not gonna reveal the story but obviously it’s based around the Scouse Bird character and we need one amazing girl to play her as she’ll ‘make’ the show so to speak. I’ve been asked a few times ‘why don’t you play her?’ and while I know the character inside out, I just prefer life behind the camera, in the shadows thanks very much. I’ve attached the press release with details of how to audition for the part and 100 example tweets (although you can choose any from my back catalogue) and we just want you to film yourselves delivering these tweets so we can see who has the ‘Scouse Bird’ wit. Please all have a go, share this blog around as much as possible so we can find the bird of our dreams. Best of luck and I can’t wait to meet you, whoever you are! (I’M FUMIN, WHILE WRITIN THIS I FORGOT ABOUT ME CUP OF TEA AN NOW IT’S FREEEEZIN)


Scouse Bird Problems is a lifestyle blogger and twitter personality whose popularity has exploded over the last 2 years and continues to grow daily.  There’s nothing she doesn’t know about going out and staying in, about fellas (gobshites), crazy exes (cranks) and all things in between.

Scouse Bird Problems – ‘if you obey all the rules you miss all the fun’ 

With a following of almost 200,000 people across several social networks she has people looking forward to the latest installment of her blog and has been wooed by several national press publications to help their readers cope with life in the world of ‘Closer’ and ‘OK!” 

Scouse Bird Problems – ‘some things are better high, like heels and alcohol percentages’ 

Now ‘Scouse Bird Problems’ is being developed into a TV comedy pilot.  There is only 1 girl out there who can play the lead role. Our job – with your help – is to find her.  Best links to better understand what we need are via the blog at or @scousebirdprobs

Initial auditions are only possible via uploading a clip of the potential winner delivering 1 minute of ‘Scouse Bird’ quotes to camera (smart-phone is fine) and sending the clip in to us via to – The best auditionees will be invited to a face to face audition with Scouse Bird & Old Scouse Bird & members of the Juice FM breakfast show.  With great power comes great responsibility and this role represents not just strong women but Scouse women and our great city.

Scouse Bird Problems – ‘All I want for Xmas is you…but just in case you’re a tit can I get a gift receipt?’

100 Scouse Bird audition tweets

  1. There are 110 calories in a banana and only 55 in a vodka & diet coke. Make smart choices.
  2. So 14th March is Steak & Blowjob day? I’m declaring 14th April to be Dairy Milk & new Kurt Geiger’s day
  3. That’s not a curly blow, it’s a curly sheow
  4. The constant battle between wanting to be skinny and your love of food.
  5. Fuck Mondays. Diet starts January.
  6. Eat, eat, eat, repeat.
  7. Liv city bitch, Liv Liv city bitch, tan tan tan even on dem titties bitch
  8. I’m a Prima Donna bird, yeah, all I ever wanted was big hair
  9. ASOS need to put a “Turns out it’s hideous” option on their return labels.
  10. Only ever shopping with your bank card cos it’s like it’s not even real money. Clothes FREE, bag FREE, shoes FREE
  11. Play with your hair & giggle shyly on a first date so he’ll never guess that you’ll ruin his life.
  12. The verb to be soz: Soz aba me, soz aba you, soz aba him her or it, soz aba us, soz aba them.
  13. Using eeee to mean anything: Eeee that’s boss, eee that’s disgusting, eee I love that dress, eee I want crisps, eee look at them kitten heels!
  14. Psst fellas, wanna know the secret to a happy relationship? DO AS YOU’RE TOLD!
  15. You don’t know struggle til you’ve banged an acrylic
  16. Staring at your new nails like a woman in love
  17. Getting on the wine so you can cope with not being able to cope
  18. Fuming at your ma cos despite eating all your crusts you still have to spend a fortune on curly blows
  19. “Mum I’m starving what’s for tea?” “You’re not starving the kids in Africa are starving!”
  20. “Turn the lights of it’s like Blackpool Illuminations in ere!” Well it’s not mum is it, we’ve all got our own teeth for a start
  21. Getting bladdered on a bottle of rose and terrorising the taxi driver on the way into town
  22. Playing taxi roulette: calling 5 taxi companies and hoping they don’t all turn up at once an cause murder
  23. SBI – Scouse Bird Investigation
  24. Nobody puts Scouse Bird in the corner
  25. Swear down, honest to god, I’m not even messin’
  26. I can’t cope
  27. I’m every Scouse Bird, it’s all in me, the tan, the hair, the eyelashes, I fake it naturally.
  28. Who run da world? Birds
  29. Weather report says “It’s hot”, Scouser hears “Av a bevvy!”
  30. Scouse Birds of the world, fuck up your life! Drink it til you hurl, fuck up your life! Vom into your curls, fuck up your life! Ha see ya vod-ka!
  31. There should be an extra day between Saturday and Sunday called Feellikeshiturday. Moving out of bed prohibited
  32. Going the Xmas do an knowing you’re gonna end up grinding on your bosses lap cos you’re a show after 5 vodkas
  33. Texting your mates saying “Ar soz aba me, think me drink was spiked yano” Hard to know if it was the bottle of wine, vodka or the 10 tequilas though
  34. Nothing tastes FITTER than water when you wake up hangover – pass me the hose there lad
  35. You can’t have a whine without a wine
  36. Dreading the phone call from your mate cos u know all you’ll be saying is “I didn’t! SHURRUP no way! Omg what did I say? NAA you’re lying! The SHEAME!”
  37. Thinking you’ve got away with no hangover an then it jumps you from behind and stands all over your head in kitten heels.
  38. Starving yourself all day & getting sent home in a taxi at 10pm after 3 wines cos you’re bladdered & vomming all over Popworld
  39. Borrowing a dress off your mate & fuming when she has the cheek to ask for it back after 6mths. Eee haven’t u heard of the 1 month and its mine rule?
  40. Having that one mate that’s ALWAYS late. “Am on me way!” Oh babe you’ve so blatantly only just got out the shower
  41. The lies birds tell each other in the bogs “oh u look STUNNIN babe, proper AMAZIN” knell see her? Looked a SHEOWW
  42. Having that mate who always moans aba being single cos there’re no decent men. Yeh and the fact you’re a bad crank is NOTHIN to do with it AT all
  43. Considering sacking your ma cos it’s 4.30, you’re hung over, it’s Sunday….AND THERE’S NO ROAST IN FRONT OF YOU. Sort it. Now.
  44. We all know a gay lad who can make a story sound 10x more scandalous than it actually is
  45. Makin your mate take aba 25 pics before you go out for your profile pic. No me hand looks gammy, I’m blinking, me ham arm looks massive
  46. 8 out of 9 of your Facebook notifications being “Blah blah invited you to Blah Blah event” Listen mate; I’d rather go the fuckin Asda. DECLINE.
  47. Going the ‘Dad in the wall’ cos it’s the week before payday “Daaaaad, yano I love you right?”
  48. Being forced to sit off with people you wouldn’t normally spit on if they were on fire just cos you’re vaguely related an “it’s Christmas”
  49. Bitch please, you’ve got more issues than the Echo
  50. When you say something funny and that fuckin slag you hate starts laughing “Eeee shut up who the fuck said you could laugh? Do one”
  51. Arr soz, I’m fresh out of shits to give
  52. “So worra you going as for Halloween?” “I’m ummin an arrin but either a sexy cat, sexy devil or a sexy witch” “So basically a slag then yeh?”
  53. Oh eyar love your makeup looks like proper pasty cement all over your grid, and YOU’RE snarling ME? S’av it
  54. The hatred I feel towards Monday mornings is on par with the hatred I feel towards kitten heels
  55. Avoiding Concert Sq. at all costs cos you know you’ll be visually assaulted by fat wools in bodycon
  56. If you have shit eyebrows you’re not permitted to look directly at me
  57. Meeting the nicest girl in the world an instantly finding at least 10 reasons to hate her
  58. Liking someone’s status about something shit happening to them cos u hate them an you’re made up aba it
  59. Giving nicknames to all the girls u hate. “no chin slag” “chucky” “closet lezza” “camel toe bitch”
  60. Fuck off Jay-Z I’ve got well more than 99 problems an bitches are loads of them
  61. It’s as bitter as me ex out today
  62. I’m a prinny bird, in a prinny world, shopping is fantastic, with me fellas plastic
  63. “Ay girl gizza suck!” “Oh ok then you’ve successfully seduced me, come ere” – said no Scouse bird ever.
  64. Ur fella being under the impression that u don’t tell your bezzy mate EVERYTHIN. Who are u tryna kid lad?
  65. Whether you use your tits or your wits to get ahead in this world it’s still feminism if you’re in control.
  66. “I am Chanel, you are H&M” – bitch please, you’re not even Ethel Austin’s
  67. I’m having a nice romantic meal with my true love: food.
  68. A perfect man is nothing more than a mythical creature. Like unicorns, or people who can eat “just one” biscuit.
  69. I’m a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. But I absolutely draw the fuckin line at DIY.
  70. Babe I’m awful sorry That I can be a crank But really it could be worse Your bird could be a Manc
  71. Daily struggles: Toast or being skinny
  72. Heels – if you’re not struggling to walk, it would say “Meow” if it could talk
  73. Goin the hairdressers for a trim an walking out with a short back and sides
  74. I’m just a Beyoncé lookin for her Jay-Z. If you need me I’ll be over here runnin the world an shit.
  75. SBI – Scouse Bird Investigation. “Don’t follow the evidence, follow the gobshite”
  76. When a lads profile picture is him an his mate, why is he NEVER the fit one?
  77. When your roots get so bad you have to try and blag it’s ombré
  78. Lads. Sometimes your bird spends ages in the shower cos she’s washing her hair, and sometimes it’s just because she’s ran out of batteries.
  79. Thou shalt always use “the” before words it shouldn’t be, lets go….’the’ asda’ ‘the Iceland’ ‘the home & bargain
  80. Me on tinder: no no no no no no NO no no HELL NO no no no no NOOOOOO no no no no
  81. Bath time total: 3hrs Getting bath: 45 mins Lying round in towel doing nothing: 2hrs 15mins
  82. Looking at yer ma in disgust cos she’s bought super noodles instead of koka noodles
  83. When you hear a piece of juicy gossip and you just can’t text your mates fast enough
  84. Wine is basically happiness in a glass
  85. “I’ve only slept with 4 lads” “What about thingio off holiday?” “No he doesn’t count”
  86. Noah wrote Ali 365 letters and you can’t even text me back. Gobshite.
  87. Never judge a book by its cover but ALWAYS judge a girl by her eyebrows
  88. Stalkin on Instagram and double tapping to zoom in on a picture SHHHHIIIITTTTTT
  89. Omg state of her, what the fuck is she wearin, oh shit she’s comin over “Oh hiya gorge, you look amaaaazin! Where’s yer dress from?”
  90. Swervin them mates you secretly hate on a night out by sayin “yeh we’ll meet u there in a min” then fuckin off the other end of town. Tra.
  91. I’m fallin down, I’m yellin VODKA, you better move, I’m gonna vom. This is a night, I won’t remember, with a hangover I won’t forget.
  92. Prawn – a lad with a tasty body but a head that needs ripping off and binning
  93. The will we, won’t we stuff is all well an good but sometimes you’ve just got to say “Let’s cut the crap, are you gonna nob me or wa?”
  94. Plenty of fish is like the gobshite yellow pages
  95. When you’re havin a diet coke break an cant open the bastard for fear of your nail pingin off an blindin yer
  96. Every girl who comments on yer fella’s facebook is a slag
  97. Your fella thinks its sound to fart on your head but you let an accidental one go & he won’t speak to you for days.
  98. Open twitter, send tweet, stalk ex’s new bird, snarl, close twitter, repeat.
  99. Fuck knights in shinin armour, where’s me fella in a grey tracky?
  100. Any girl you meet in the toilets on a night out is automatically upgraded to best friend status and therefore can be told all your secrets


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