Scouse Bird Problems – The Tan Commandments with St Moriz

Posted On: 18/04/2015

By: Scouse Bird

Those of you who managed to get a Scouse Bird Diary from the shop this year should already be well versed in these 10 tan commandments put together by me and St Moriz, but I didn’t think it was fair that the rest of you should miss out, so here goes:

  1. Have an obedient fella. There’s nothing worse than having an all over golden glow and a pasty back because your fella is being sly and won’t tan it for you. You may want to look up local obedience schools to send him to if he gives you any lip.
  2. Just like you’ve learnt to contour your cheekbones a la Kimmy K it’s time now to tackle body contouring. We need all the help we can get, especially after Xmas. You’ll need St Moriz dark and the NEW St Moriz shimmer highlighter and the general rule is: Use the dark shade to create depth and the highlighter to make things more prominent. Start off with your boobs if you want a killer rack. Dark tan in the cleavage crease and a little highlighter on the fuller part at the top of your boob y voila! Who needs a wonderbra!
  3. As a quick fix, you can use the NEW St. Moriz Shimmer over a gradual tan to highlight your best features such as the collar bones, hip bones and cleavage and to draw the eye away from other areas, I’m talking to you double chin.  You can also use it along the front of the legs and on the outside of the upper ham arms for a slimming effect. Everyone KNOWS you look slimmer with a tan.
  4. Exfoliate. No good ever came of applying tan over lizard legs. Give them a good scrub and make sure you get off any dead skin and left over tan from the week before. 
  5. A tan needs to be left to develop for 4-8 hours and ain’t nobody got time for that apart from when you’re sleeping. Just make sure your buy orange or black sheets.
  6. Wear loose clothing while your tan is developing. You’ve just spent hours tanning like a boss; don’t wreck it all with tight elasticated sleeves. GAWD.
  7. Moisturise all the time (with oil free moisturizer of course) the more you moisturise, the longer your tan will last and then less often you’ll need to apply it. Kapiche?
  8. Go dark or go home.
  9. Start applying tan from your feet upwards to avoid crease marks when you’re bending over. Started from the bottom now you’re here… looking fit.
  10. St Moriz is the Scousest and therefore best tan on the market AND you can get it from Home and Bargains. And before you say anything, it’s not Home Bargains it was and always will be Home and Bargains here. We don’t take too kindly to change.


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