Scouse Bird Problems – Why Wearing White Is Terrifying

Posted On: 24/07/2015

By: Keeley Buckley

Walking in to River Island on Church Street the other day, I started to have a panic attack. All I could see from left to right and top to bottom was …..WHITE. Now I don’t know if I am alone in this but white clothes terrify me. I love to look at them, but buying, wearing and washing them is a different matter altogether. I even go as far as to ban white from my Husbands and Sons wardrobe. We all know that it’s not going to end well. A few years back, my middle son’s step-mother said to him ‘Tell your Mum not to wash your uniform.’ I was upset understandably, was she questioning my skills as a domestic queen? Then I realised it was the shirts. The white shirts; and I understood completely what she was saying.

You see white clothes are my nemesis. I am not proud of the fact that mid-way through life I am scared of a colour, but I am. I don’t think its rational, but then not much about me is. But, to help out some of you that feel they may be suffering from the same phobia, I’m going to share the top five issues that I have with white and why River Island should really think about people like me before they send out their buyers for spring/summer collections. Sometimes shops are so insensitive.

Starting with by biggest fear – number one: The tie dye effect

I moved out of my parents’ house when I was seventeen. So for that last twenty years I have been doing my own washing. You would think after three sons, countless boyfriends, one husband, numerous animals and huge amounts of footie kits, I would be able to wash. But alas no, I CAN’T. I can put in a load of whites on a 40 degree wash and watch the cycle like a crazy woman with one eye shut. While the other eye is spinning with the drum. I guarantee that at some point during the wash, I notice the water get murky and I am defeated. I hate white washes. They make me feel inadequate as a woman. I never get to hang out a full wash on the line and bask in its snowy glow. I tie dye white with white. It makes no sense. So when the kids want something like an Armani T-shirt washed, it gets carefully parceled up and dropped at their nans house. Their nans can be trusted, but their mum can’t. I have never owned white vests or jeans and struggle with white knickers. Put it this way, if there was a colour called dish cloth, my white clothes are now that colour.

The woman’s battle number two: That time of the month

White? During that time of the month? You like living on the edge don’t you? Tampon adverts lie; women don’t go abseiling when they’re on, they lie in bed crying about how fat they are and binge watching KUWTK. They certainly don’t wear white. You can chance it, but you should arm yourself with a mirror on a stick, a change of clothes, and a hairdryer in case it gets in your hair (I am joking…..or am I?) You need a huge amount of confidence and blind faith that you won’t come home dying of shame.

Fat Shaming – number three: White whale syndrome

Universally black is the slimming colour and white is the fattening colour. You put white jeans on an arse that is bigger than a size ten, you have yourself a very unflattering eclipse moment. A white floaty maxi dress looks like an Arabic smock and that white t-shirt on your C cup? Forget about it.  It’s no-one’s fault and it’s not a ‘have a go’ statement to say white makes you look heavier; it’s just the truth. Don’t forget, I am the girl stood in front of that white fitted tunic thinking ‘Please God, bless me with the ability to wear the coulor of angels.’ He never does it though, he just taunts me on the high street and ruins my shopping spree.

The Brown Stain – number four: Fake Tan Attack

No. Not poo. I like to tan. Everyone likes to tan. If I can’t commit to the Sunbed or think better of it, I get myself a spray tan. No-one in their right ‘girl’ mind would wear white with a spray tan. You can’t even sit down on white with a spray tan. At some point, if you go for that white outfit to show off your golden pins, you’re going to end up looking like you’ve shit yourself. It’s a fact that spray, fake, bronzing and even real tans come away by rubbing against a white surface or material. I have been in situations where I have gone to take a seat in people’s homes and they have shouted ‘NOOOOOO’ and tackled me and my tan to the floor. White clothes with a tan look great, but ultimately that two hundred pound halter neck is going to be totally ruined within 2 hours contact with your tanned skin

Am I an adult yet? – number five: Spilling shit

To be honest, if I get through the day without spilling something all down myself then I would consider that a success. If I find bits of food in my hair at the end of the day then I’m not at all surprised. White is just asking for trouble – it’s a spilt drink and red sauce of any kind magnet

Now finally white on white – number 6: The white double denim effect

You have to be pretty special to wear double denim and look good. The same rule applies to white clothes and white skin. You know when people call cellulite orange peel? That’s when they have seen it against a back drop of white hot pants. You milky white skin won’t pull off white clothes. You will look, (oh lord,) you will look, PASTY!!!! Wearing white on white skin is a one way ticket to people spreading lies that you own white stilettos. 

I feel a little vulnerable now though. I mean what if you can all wear white and wash it successfully? If you do that I envy you and please share your secret. But if you can’t, come and join my club where we cower in the back section of most summer collections on the high street, claiming that we are going for rock chic rather than boho eclectic. White sucks, end off!


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