Scouse Bird Problems – WARNING: This game should only be played if you and your fella are definitely soulmates

Posted On: 22/06/2015

By: Scouse Bird

Call me boring but I love a good board game. However, the popular Ann Summers board game ‘Monogamy’ is definitely not one you can play with the family after your Sunday roast. I wouldn’t even recommend playing it unless you’ve had 8 vodkas and you’ve been with your partner for quite some time. It’s not for playing with your casual fuckboy – it requires real intimacy and a complete lack of inhibitions.

The premise is this: You throw a dice to move your pieces round the board 6 times (plastic pieces by the way, not your actual genitals), landing on challenge squares along the way. The challenges get more intimate and steamy as you play and there’s added strip penalties. The challenges can range from kissing different body parts for 30 seconds to sexy dancing to a song of your choice – bearing in mind you may have been forced to strip naked at this point. The sexiness of the Beyonce booty shake sans clothes all depends on how hard you’ve been squatting lately and whether or not you can keep a straight face…

My top tip would be to get some sexy food in – eg squirty cream or nutella. At one point I was required to eat some food off his junk and we had nothing suitable in so in homage to the time Monica made Joey a fake penis out of some lunchmeat – I ate some chicken slices off my fellas lunchmeat. Less sexy – more hilarious. It was Smartprice chicken roll as well just to add insult to injury – not even something good like a Billy Bear or a dinosaur slice.

My favourite challenge of the whole game involved me straddling my fella (and I quote the challenge card here) with one well lubricated finger placed between his bumcheeks on his ‘button’ – We then played the X-rated version of the yes/no game. I had 2 minutes to ask him as many quickfire questions as I could and if he answered yes or no to any of them then he got a sharp press on ‘the button’. To say he was dying of embarrassment was an understatement and I spent most of the 2 minutes laughing my head off.

Every time you ‘pass go’ on the board, you pick up a fantasy card and whoever makes it round the board 6 times in the quickest time gets to act out a fantasy of their choice. It coud be anything from playing doctors and nurses, role playing that you run a sex line or the one I chose: “At some point during the next week your partner MUST carry out the household task of your choice, naked” I chose that one mainly because it meant my fella would actually have to run a hoover round at some point… the lazy shit.

Monogamy is available from the Ann Summers website for £25 or they have it in the Liverpool One store – it’s so funny and definitely something different to do with your fella on a Saturday night. You might want to stock up on the vodka though…


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