Posted On: 02/06/2014
By: Scouse Bird
As a native Liverpudlian I’m telling you now, understated is over-rated. Here’s 10 reasons why you’ll never catch a Scouse bird doing “effortless”
1. We would be shunned
Much like the Amish, there are certain rules in Liverpool that you just don’t break. So unless you want to be disowned by your friends an family and sent to live in Manchester you simply must go glam or go home and NEVER wear jeans on a night out.
2. Where’s the fun in au natural?
Make up is art – you should experiment with every colour and savour every beautiful moment of it. One day you’ll have wrinkly eyelids and no matter what you do it’s going to look like you’ve applied your eyeshadow with a piece of broccoli so get all artistic while the getting’s good (not Picasso though, never Picasso).
3. It’s slim pickings out there
I looked into some depressing statistics last night. There are more females 16-34 in Liverpool than there are males. Then we factor into this that men in Liverpool seem to be vertically challenged compared to the rest of the country but Liverpool ladies love a good 6 inch heel and it’s starting to look a bit grim on the old dating scene. You’ve got to bring your A game. Every. Damn. Day.
4. Life is a catwalk
Forget what your mum told you all those years ago, “It’s school, not a fashion show!” – it IS a fashion show and every other girl in Liverpool is Anna Wintour critiquing you whether you’re out slutdropping or shopping. Don’t let those standards slip.
5. We’re carrying on a legacy
I turned up to my nans funeral looking more glam than I had every looked before. Why? Because even to the last breath you never saw my nan without a champagne blonde perm and set and a slick of lipstick and I’ll be damned if I was letting her down. Scouse nan’s lead the way in looking fab and they represent for the 50’s style they grew up with. Got to respect that.
6. The bible says so
One of the dead sea scrolls found an 11th commandment dictated to Moses at Mount Sinai by the Lord God himself and it was ‘Thou shalt never look a show (pronounced SHEEEOOOWWW for emphasis)’
I don’t know about you but I don’t want to burn in hell because I couldn’t be bothered doing my winged eyeliner.
7. Saying that, God was supposedly a man
If you’ve ever asked a man to do the hoovering or the dishes then you’ll know full well that you’re going to have to do it yourself again afterwards. God ‘half a job’ Almighty forgot the smoky eye and perfect brows didn’t he? So we’ve got to fill in the blanks.
8. Pete Doherty
Kate Moss is the queen of effortless style and look at the state of what she ended up with. No tar.
9. Helping the economy
Starship once famously wrote a song about Liverpool, “We built this city, we built this city on curly blows!” The economy of Liverpool is 90% based on the beauty industry. Imagine if we all suddenly stopped buying fake tan and lashes? The infrastructure would collapse within days. The global credit crunch started because some people in America couldn’t pay their mortgage so could you imagine the butterfly effect a UK city disintegration would cause? We’re just saving the world one lipstick at a time; no need to thank us though, it’s our pleasure.
10. Because we’re worth it
Before you can expect anyone else to love you, you must first love thyself. We love ourselves enough to know that we only deserve the very best pampering and treatment the world has to offer.
Stay beautiful everyone.