It’s that time of year when we’re all cracking out the sunnies, but is there a case to argue that they aren’t just a seasonal accessory? Here’s 20 occasions when sunglasses are simply a must:
1. It’s sunny
Ok this is an obvious one but we have to spend enough on botox just through fuming at gobshites and snarling people we hate without having to add premature wrinkles due to squinting. The upkeep of being a Scouse bird is bad enough as it is.
2. It’s raining
You’ve just spent an hour perfecting the best smoky eye of your life – are you really about to let the rain wash that away?
3. It’s windy
No one needs their eyelashes thinking they’re a stunt kite and fucking off doing loop-de-loop in 100mph winds. Sunglasses are basically safety wear.
4. For a sly perve
Your head angle says you’re intently reading a book while your eyes are really clockin the hotty who’s just climbed out of the pool, beads of water slowly dripping down his toned torso….need I say more? Mirrored aviators are best for this, otherwise no matter how dark the gigs if the sun catches them at the right angle it’ll totally grass you up.
Should’ve worn sunglasses Dave
5. You’re hungover
It’s been a heavy night. You can’t cope. Does the world really need to be subjected to your bloodshot peepers and dark circles the exact shade of a Guiness shit?
6. You need your brows doing
You’ve let brow maintenance slide. Girl this is not acceptable but at some point you’re gonna have to leave the house, even if it’s only to get them waxed and tinted. You’re rocking an 80’s pornstar bush….above each eye and goddamit you’re gonna need some gigantic sunnies to cover that shit up.
7. For a celebrity fantasy
We all need a bit of escapism every now and again. Lash the sunnies on and pretend you’re an A-list celeb dodging the paps for an hour. GAWWWD I JUST WANT TO SHOP IN PEACE AND HAVE A NORMAL LIFE!!
8. For a cunning disguise
You could be covertly stalking your ex’s new bird (FYI this is socially acceptable online but not, I repeat NOT ok in real life) or you could have popped the shop in your bean stained trackies and don’t wanna be recognized by every fucker. It’s sods law you’ll bump into everyone from your high school crush to the ex who broke your heart. It’s the bean stained trackies…man magnets them things. Best get a hat for that greasy hair too, just to be on the safe side.
9. To make yourself more attractive
I remember a security guard in Mexico who always wore mirrored aviators. God he was sexy. Then he took them off one day and he had horrendous pin-prick beady eyes. I wanted to surgically attach the glasses to his face. Aviators on men and over-sized glasses on girls are sexy as fuck.
10. You live in Britain
The UK gets 7 days of nice weather a year, you’ve got 23 pairs of sunglasses. You do the math. They all deserve an outing at some point.
11. You’re a Kim Kardashian super-fan
We’ve all seen the picture of Kim with sunglasses tan marks. You may want to work towards achieving this look – we can’t all afford the plastic surgery to get her arse after all so this’ll have to do.
12. To save your relationship
Looking at your fella with rose-tinted glasses is no longer effective. You need black out ones cos you can’t stand the sight of him any longer.
13. Sensory deprivation
You’ve accidentally stumbled into Concert Square and there’s Nylon dresses and kitten heels everywhere. Sunglasses will help protect your retinas from spontaneously combusting in horror.
14. It’s Christmas or your fellas birthday
It’s that time of the year when you’ve got to bite the bullet and give him a blowjob. Sunglasses will help soften the look of an erect penis.
15. The weather doesn’t know what it wants to do.
Ok it’s snowing right now but in 5 minutes it COULD be sunny and the Guides and Bear Grylls told us we should always be prepared. You just never know.
16. It’s a bad eyeliner day
Try as you might, that fucker will not even up and you need to hide the fact you look like Amy Winehouse if her make up artist had just come off the waltzers.
17. You’re chopping onions
You should look fabulous at all times, even when cooking. Swimming goggles just don’t cut the mustard or the onions I’m afraid.
18. Some fit fella has just Snapchatted/Facetimed you and you haven’t got any make up on
Enough said. Instant fix.
19. He’s been a gobshite
I mean he’s a man, it’s gonna happen sometimes but the world doesn’t need to know you’ve been bawling your eyes out cos he liked that bitch from work’s photo on Instagram do they? Sunnies on, bitch face on, game on.
20. Cos ‘Bitch please, you’re fabulous’
And if you wanna wear sunglasses, you’ll fuckin wear them and you’ll look fantastic doing so. Aiiiight??
XOXO
Scouse Bird
