As I turned 30, several thoughts occurred to me which made me realise that I wasn’t the same person as I was when I was in my late teens/early twenties. Things had changed. I’d… urgh… MATURED. Things I used to love now filled me with apathy, or even hate.
Tick any of these off the list, and you’ll probably feel pretty zen about leaving your twenties behind too…
1. You get excited over a sunny day – not for topping up your tan or day drinking, but for hanging your washing out
2. You call up Pete Price, not to work “Going loco, 50p at Koko” into the conversation or to call him a shape shifting reptile, but to talk about actual issues – like how a fortnightly bin collection is a fucking joke
3. Someone invites you on a night out and you immediately go into a blind panic trying desperately to think of a reason why you can’t go
4. You actually stop going for gobshites. Lads, you might think being an arsehole is ok because girls like a bad boy but be warned – you have a shelf life. Buck up your ideas or prepare for some lonely nights cry-wanking into the mirror wondering where it all went wrong.
5. Your parents aren’t trying to stop you from getting pregnant anymore, they’re encouraging you!
6. When people mention kids you don’t automatically think of them as some far off possibility, more like, “Well I might need to get a move on yano”
7. When buying wine you don’t go for the ‘8 bottles for £10’ option. You buy one bottle for £10 because your sole aim isn’t to get shitfaced; it’s to enjoy it.
8. You start obsessing over parts of your body you’ve never obsessed over before. Yeh yeh, I’m never gonna have a flat stomach but WHY DO MY HANDS LOOK WRINKLY???
9. Botox AKA Freezy Face Juice is a way of life now
10. You start leaving passive aggressive notes to people. Noisy neighbours, selfish parkers, people who steal your bins – they all get an anonymous but extremely sassy piece of your mind.
11. The thought of a couple of rolls of wallpaper and a new duvet set becomes more appealing than a new pair of shoes. I swear down. It does.
12. You start being more sensible with your clothing choices. Don’t worry, I’m not talking about cardi’s and ‘mum skirts’ but having your cleavage and ass out in every outfit isn’t really the be-all-and-end-all of an outfit choice.
13. You’ll spend Sunday’s in B&Q feeling like you don’t really identify with the fella next to you looking at different types of screws, until you realise he’s your age and you’re doing the exact same thing.
14. You start questioning your own mortality because it only seemed like 5 minutes ago your dad was dragging you round B&Q and it was the absolute dullest place on earth. Where did all the time go?
15. You ask yourself ‘Where did all the time go?’ a lot.
16. You start coming out with a lot of weird phrases that only your mum says. Then you realise you’re on the couch on a Friday night in a fluffy white dressing gown, watching Sleepless in Seattle with a bottle of prosecco and you actually are your mum.
17. You do things properly. Tidying your room doesn’t consist of straightening the duvet over and taking the empty mugs downstairs anymore; it’s a full-scale operation. You won’t be content until all your clothes are hung and folded and things you don’t wear anymore are in piles for eBay and the charity shop. That’s all before you’ve used your latest toy; a Vax carpet cleaner. This happens even to the laziest of us.
18. You were a fan of PJ & Duncan back in the day. You had a bedroom covered in posters and fantasised about marrying girly-faced Dec (no one wanted Ant with that fod and eyebrows) – but now they’re a couple of cheeky chappies providing light entertainment and terrible slapstick jokes on BGT and I’m a Celeb – and you’re a fan all over again.
19. You have different body goals. You no longer want to look like a Victoria Secrets model because by now you’ve come to accept that it’s just a pipe dream. Instead, you’d just quite like not to have to talc your thighs all summer.
20. You’re far more self-assured. You haven’t got the crushing insecurities of your teens or the seemingly weighty life choices (and the endless conveyor belt of heartbreak) of your early twenties anymore. You’re relatively happy with who you are, what you look like and what you want out of life – if a partner comes along who isn’t right for all that then you have no problems sending them on their way. You know you’ll find someone when it’s right and until then, you’re quite all right on your own ta very much.
21. You’re better with money now. You pay bills on time, when you move house you don’t swerve all the catalogues you have open and you’re not nearly as blasé about maxing out your credit cards. You’ve lived through a debt hangover and it’s not a good time.
22. You want more from your holidays. A week in Maguluf getting shitfaced and shagged sounds about as appealing as a case of chlamydia – which the place is rife with. You want to go exploring temples in Thailand or tasting real pizza in Italy and have stories to take home rather than STD’s
23. You identify with all or most of this and you know what? You’re 100% ok with it!
Welcome to your late twenties and thirties – come on in, the water’s lovely!