Scouse Bird Problems – 30 things before you're 30

April 15, 2015

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Posted On: 12/04/2015

By: Scouse Bird

Life doesn’t stop at 30 but nonethless, the end of your 20’s can feel like a significant milestone. I love to-do lists and the feeling of accomplishment as you tick off a task. Here’s 30 things I’d recommend ticking off before you’re 30, but only because I have… well most of them anyway. If you don’t do them by the time you’re 30 or you don’t want to do them then THAT’S OK! You can do or not do them at any time. It’s just a bit of fun.

Face a fear – Have you ever noticed that as a kid you were fearless, then out of nowhere, sometimes for seemingly unknown reasons as you get older you collect fears like they’re Pokemon cards. I never used to be arsed about heights for example, I remember being 20 and jumping off the top deck of a boat into Smugglers Cove in Zante. It was about a 30ft drop and I wasn’t arsed, would I do it now though? Would I shite! I went to the climbing adventure park thing in Knowsley Safari Park a few years ago and ended up having to be helped down by one of the insructors cos I was paralysed with fear and holding onto a tree trunk crying. My deblitating fear though for most of my life has been wood. No mess. It’s called Xylophobia, look it up. It was a gradual thing which started with not particularly liking the texture of wooden spoons and peaked with my little brother chasing me round a forest with a Magnum lolly ice stick while I was screaming hysterically. I actually had to get hypnotherapy. After 1 session I can now stir my coffee with one of those wooden stick things – I still draw the line at eating a Magnum though. *shudders*
See something that takes your breath away – May I recommend the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona? The outside is impressive enough but when I actually went inside I was speechless, even a bit choked up. I’d never had that reaction to anything before. It was amazing.
Raise your standards – At some point you’ve got to stop fucking with those basic gobshites and assess what you really want out of life. Don’t regret what’s already been, just learn from it. Some men will teach you what you want in a man and some will teach you what you deffo DON’T want. Pick maybe 5 ‘none-negotiable’ characteristics which you will not deviate from and then have in mind some ‘nice to haves’ rather than going out with anyone who gives you the glad eye. You’ll find your calibre of date increases dramatically.
Fall in love – Similarly, don’t let past experiences of gobshites put you off falling in love. I mean completely head over heels in love. Fuck da gobshitez, love is the best.
Swill a gobshite – There’s nothing that will stop a gobshite in his tracks better than an ice cold, wet drink to the grid. Amanda Harrington did it, Millie Mackintosh (Or is she Millie Green now?) did it, Jess Wright did it. Even I did it when I was 17 although it pained me to waste a bevvy – at least it was probably only £1.50 a drink back then, but still, a vodka is a vodka.
Have a one night stand – Don’t feel it’s something you have to make a habit of if that’s not your cup of tea but I swear down, the more disastrous, cringey and horrendous the experience the more you will look back and cherish it as one of the most hilarious moments of your life. If you don’t get great sex you’ll get great anecdotes. Plus it’ll give you the chance to try out that really embarrassing and complicated sex position you’ve been dying to try without having to see their mush again.
Have a holiday romance – See above. A holiday romance is like love in a pressure cooker. You get all of the romantic moments in a romantic setting with the knowledge that you never have to see that person again. Walks hand in hand along the beach, watching sunsets, sex under the stars… or even a quick finger fumble in the corner of a karaoke bar – there’s no expectations or resentment. These are particularly great for getting over an ex – a perfect rebound who can be put away after 14 nights never to be seen again.
Get an STD test – It doesn’t make you dirty it makes you sensible. They’re quick and painless and ultimately could save your fertility and even your life. When we live in a world where even library books have herpes and sex dolls have gonorrhea you just can’t be too careful. Who knows where that dick has been?
Sort your finances out – Yeh bills aren’t sexy. They’re a pain in the fucking arse. Do you know what else isn’t sexy though? Bailiffs knocking at the door and getting declined for a mortgage. It’s proper embarrassing in fact. Take a deep breath and tackle your bills one by one, you’ll feel a million times better without the panic in the back of your mind of a millons debtors lining up to take away your hard earned vodka money. The thought of sorting out your money is much worst than actually sorting out your money. If you’re really in over your head though call a free debt helpline and they’ll give you advice on getting back on track.
Move out – Don’t listen to the adults, moving out is boss. I did it when I was 16 – don’t ask, I was a very wilfull teenager who thought she was already 30. Once I found out it was legal to move out when you were 16, that’s it, the next time my parents pissed me off I was like ‘Inabit, tra!!!’ Ok I ended up in a scummy houseshare in Waterloo and had to move back 2 months later when I got sacked for not being able to count money properly but for those two months it was boss living off pot noodles, going out to town every single night and playing Britney’s new album at full blast. Plus when I moved back home I strutted round like I was cock of the house, “Oh you’re gonna ground me? Reeeeally? I’ll move out again. Yeh, yeh didn’t think so.” I moved out again when I was 18 and had every patronising middle aged woman in work telling me ‘Ooo there’ll be bills, you’ll regret it’ – I was on the property ladder 2 years later so fuck you. Moving out young isn’t for everyone, there are bills and shit that need to be paid unless you want to totally screw ‘future you’ over but by the same token it is boss cutting the apron strings and flying the nest. If you are approaching the big three oh and still haven’t moved out, then maybe it’s time to fly free bird…
Learn to drive – I was on the property ladder young so I could never afford to learn how to drive. I always lived in or close to town though so never needed to. I am taking lessons though and still have a few months to crack it in time. Passfaster I’m counting on you! Again this is all about the freedom thing, being able to go anywhere and do anything whenever you want without spending a fortune on taxis or relying on mates and parents for lifts.
Buy a really expensive bag/shoes – One of my ambitions in life (for the last 10 years at least, as far I can remember) was to buy a Chanel bag (a real one). On a spur of the moment trip to Harrods last year, browsing the Chanel counter I could see the sales assistants giving me snide looks. A gamine beauty sauntered over and asked, “May I help madam?” I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman on her first trip to Rodeo Drive. I was going to do it. I was going all in. I took a deep breath and said, “I want to buy a bag.” All of a sudden I felt really emotional and I had actual tears in my eyes as she went to grab a few different ‘classiques’ to show me. It’s a moment I will never forget and while the price was indeed eye watering, the emotion I felt handing over the money was pure joy. It was such an overwhelming moment for me. As I left the shop, Chanel carrier bag in hand, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was walking on air. I rang my friends and family as if I’d just got engaged. It was everything I had ever dreamed it would be. Recommended if you ever get the chance. Top tip – I found an amazing place in Dublin where you can buy ‘pre-loved’ designer bags etc for a fraction of the original price… just saying.
Ruin a drink – Drink so much of something that you can’t even so much as get a whiff of it because it reminds you of that time you nearly died. Mine is sambuca and White Lightening cider. It hurt to even write that.
Stay up all night – Part of being an adult is not having a bedtime. While I don’t necessarily subscribe to the mantra that no one looks back and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep because one time when I was 17 I slept for 18 hours straight and it was amazing, but the times I’ve pulled all nighters I’ll remember forever. I’ve watched the sunrise over the sea in Zante while sipping blue WKD’s and I’ve watched the hours tick by on the Liver Building while drinking Glenns vodka and rola cola at the Pier Head. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a real classy drinker, I know. There’s something a bit special about the early hours of the mornng.
Do something a bit illegal – Let’s not go to jail for murder or armed robbery or anything, try a bit of light music and film piracy maybe?
Become a good person – Yeh being a bitch might be quite fun sometimes but it’s ultimately not going to win you any friends. The inner pleasure you get from treating people well and doing nice things is brilliant and if you believe in karma it’ll be coming right back to you. If you’ve spent years being negative and a bit mean, it might take some reconditioning of the brain but it can be done and it’s worth it.
Get fit – The feeling you get when you can go in a shop and pick up any item and know it’ll look good on you because you’re in shape is like no other. It’s hard. It’ll mean sacrificing alcohol and junk food and working until you nearly want to vomit at the gym but in the end you’ll feel fantastic. Just don’t do what I did and let it all slide when you get into a relationship. Back to being a full time fat bitch for now 🙁
Acquire a taste – Don’t like olives? Think coffee is vile? Acquire that taste, you’re missing out. Start off by introducing it a little bit at a time into your diet. Maybe a flavoured latte or olives in a cooking sauce. You’ll be having them straight in no time.
Learn a language – Going abroad and being able to speak even a little of the language changes your whole experience and it doesn’t even take that long to do. The Michel Thomas tapes and Rosetta Stone make it soooo easy.
Read a classic – Classics, they’re classics for a reason. I bet in 80 years time no one will have even heard of Katie Price’s latest novel so put it down and put in the effort to read a Dickens or an Austen. The Sherlock Holmes adventures are a really easy read.
Meet an idol – I’m not one for getting starstruck but meeting comedian Dylan Moran when he played a tiny venue at the Montreal Comedy festival is one of my proudest moments.
Become your mother – At some point you’ll start coming out with the same ridiculous phrases your mother does. It’s inevitable.
Cry at a film – If you haven’t cried in a while just stick Titanic or The Notebook on and then you’ll be an emotional wreck for a week
Order most expensive drink in a bar – At some point you’ve just got to throw caution to the wind and your bank balance and start ballin’ at the bar, even if it’s just the once. This works well if you go the Wetherspoons.
Learn how to blag – The number one rule of blag club is don’t ask, don’t get. The absolute worst someone can say is no but you could end up with a round of free drinks or backstage at a concert – don’t be afraid to blag it’s your birthday or you’re a new actress or your dad owns ITV. Whatever you need to get the job done, just do it with confidence.
Stop watching the news – There’s nothing new. It’s all bad and it just makes us all feel bad.
Read The Secret – If you believe in karma you’ll be all over this. If you don’t believe in karma and the power of positive thinking then still, it teaches you how to have a better outlook on life and generally be happy.
Start a career – Temping here there and everywhere or counting down the hours every day in a job you hate is all well and good, it pays the bills, but what do you WANT to do? How can you get there? Now go do it.
Say fuck you to helen fielding – If you’re not married and settled down by 30 it’s fine, despite what Helen Fielding says, Bridget Jones Diary is just scaremongering. It’s ok! Breathe! Life doesn’t suddenly stop or change at 30. There’s still plenty of time to find someone to annoy the shit out of you for the rest of your life.
Be happy – Happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. You work at it and choose it every day. Do more of what makes you happy and cut the things out of your life that make you unhappy.