We’ve all been a job seeker at some point in our lives, whether it was just leaving school, changing careers all together or just being fired because Pete from sales couldn’t see the funny side of you photocopying your ass and emailing it to him. (I worked hard for this ass Pete, someone should appreciate it) Unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth then here are the struggles that every job seeker faces.
So, you could have just finished school, picked your career and are on the first steps to gaining some experience in your chosen field. But hollllld up, wait a second. You can’t just waltz into a job without any experience! Who do you think you are, Donald Trump? I know what you’re thinking… if no one gives me a job, how will I gain any experience? It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries that will never be explained. For an entry level job you’re going to need…. 2 years experience in a senior role, a masters degree plus PHD from Oxford or Cambridge, completed at least 3 unpaid internships, be able to speak 4 languages including Latin, oh and be able to resurrect the lord Jesus Christ AMEN. And in return we’ll offer you a generous salary of a big fat whopping £0 with expenses paid because we’re nice like that. I mean, if you really wanted a well paid job, you should have been preparing for this in the womb.
A document where you list all of your previous jobs, your current skills and talk about yourself like you’re god’s gift to the universe. I mean come on..is anyone actually proficient in excel? Imma still put it on there though, along with excellent time keeping and attention to detail… meaning I’ll most definitely be late if my liquid eyeliner isn’t co-operating with me on that particular morning.
So you’ve found one you like. Yep..can do that. Yep qualified. Great, the pay looks good. Fill out the application form, attach CV. Great.“You applied for this job”…and so did 200,000 other people, including Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Beyonce, and thousands of other people who are way more qualified than you and you’re application has probably just fallen into the junk folder where it will die and never be seen. Or what about those applications that make you fill out all of the information that’s already on your CV (which took you 7 hours to perfect) onto their special application form?! I don’t have time for this! I have a Netflix binge to be getting on with. So unbelievably rude, like honestly, where do you get off?
The nervousness of the night before. Researching the company, going over and over again why you’re perfect for the role. Getting to the interview and having constant paranoia that you have something on your face even though you’ve checked 43 times. Are my hands in a natural position? What do I usually do with my hands? Why do I have hands?! The constant battle of how much is too much eye contact? When is it natural to look away? Have I blinked in the last 15 minutes? Do I look like a crazed killer from an episode of ‘Snapped: Women who kill’?…Who knows?
And why do they always ask…So why do you want this job? Let’s cut the crap Derek, you and I both know, I’m not passionate about admin, data inputting or having to get you a mocha latte with extra shot and whipped cream every morning, but what I am passionate about is paying my bills on time and to be honest, it would be nice to be able to afford the luxury of food and shelter.
When you’re sat there taking crap from your boss day to day, the reports are piling up on your desk, you’re behind on your work and you’re done with making small talk with people you don’t even like, I honestly couldn’t care less about your cats birthday Debra, I’m so sorry. You’ll drift off and day dream about getting up, getting your coat, walking out backwards in slow motion with both middle fingers in the air to the soundtrack of Straight outta Compton by N.W.A (even though you’re a Caucasian female who was not raised by the streets) and drive away into the sun set. Then reality hits and snaps you out of it with the sound of another narky email landing in your inbox from Tracey in accounts. It’s at times like this when you think…is stripping really that wrong? Working that pole is actually really good for your core or maybe this could be my Pretty Woman moment? Julia Roberts is classy as hell plus thigh highs are so in right now, I wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb. No, come on, think…there must be easier ways to make money…legally…. Maybe I could start my own business?!…Who am I kidding, I’d call in sick to myself if my dog looked somewhat sad.
But no, you’ll continue to work at a job that crushes your soul because you’re a weekend warrior and tequila shots don’t pay for themselves… unless you have a sugar daddy of course. *googles sugar daddies near me *
So you applied for the job, absolutely bossed the interview, they loved you! And then… you get that email, you’re eyes frantically scanning over the words “we regret to inform you” OH COME ON! I thought we had something good going? There was so much back and forth, I went to the same school as your nieces…why don’t you love me?! So, you have the rest of the day to comfort yourself with full fat baked goods and maybe treat yourself to a few episodes of friends because you sure as hell deserve it. You know what, it just wasn’t meant to be, and I’ll be the one laughing when I accept my Oscar (even though I have no intention of going into acting, but just let me have this one ok?) and I’m all like….this is for that debt collections company who didn’t hire me that one time, HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?! And then Ryan Gosling will help me back to our table (it was a messy divorce with Eva Mendes, but he soon realised he never really loved her and found his actual true love, me) and we’ll just laugh and laugh….. hahahahahaha-help-me-hahahahaha
So fear not job seekers, your perfect job is out there for you, you just gotta do a few crappy jobs, lie on your CV and attend hundreds of interviews before getting it. If anything, it strengthens your work ethic and will make you appreciate where you get to, when you’re sitting at the top. It’s like finding a good guy, you gotta date a good few really slimy gobshitey frogs before finding prince charming.
Never stop slayin’,
XOXO
