Posted On: 20/10/2016
By: Chloe Webster
We all know there’s nothing better than sitting down with a hot beverage, some sort of baked good or chocolate snack and rifling through the glossy pages of your fave women’s mag. However, it seems the sneaky bastards are slipping in a few too many lies to keep us hooked on our need for the perfect lifestyle.
Being too fat should be illegal. Being too skinny should also be illegal.
Only the general public or a celebrity that we photograph on their day off has cellulite. (But weirdly, the models that advertise products that companies pay us to print in our mages deffo don’t have it. How peculiar?!)
Cellulite is real. Beyoncé has cellulite (yes, she is in fact a human being and not a goddess brought down to us from planet Venus, contrary to popular belief) Cellulite is like a gobshite, yeah it keeps you warm at night but you still can’t fucking stand it. It’s stated that 98% of women are affected by those pesky orange peel dimples, so don’t let a magazine make you feel like you’re the only one, you beautiful little sass pot.
Personally I’d still kill to look as good as Tyra on the right too
Photoshop is not real life. I know, it was a complete shock to me too. To sell a product you need to create something unattainable, because it keeps us buying more of it. Mascara advertisements are the worst. No, you will never achieve long glorious lashes on your own. Let’s face it, God only blesses gobshites with luscious lashes and they don’t even need them. It’s just how the world works. Stop putting 15 coats of clumpy mascara on in hope that you’ll look like a spokes model for Maybelline. I’m sorry to tell you, but you’ll never recreate the look without lash inserts, the right angle, perfect lighting and a Photoshop expert. It just ain’t gonna happen soz.
A thigh gap will give you true fulfillment in life.
If you don’t have a thigh gap then you should feel really bad about yourself. I mean, if you aren’t striving for a thigh gap, then are you really living your life to the full? Your body constantly needs improving and when you feel you are perfect; we’ll shame you for being overconfident, you vain, materialistic, vacuous hag. Listen here you, the only time I need a gap between my thighs is when I need somewhere to hold my pringles tube ok?!
If you’re still determined to get one, here’s our article on 5 ways to get a thigh gap in seconds…
Your post baby body should rival that of a Victoria Secret Model.
Speaking of body image, if you happened to have had a baby and aren’t a size 6 who can grate cheese on her abs 20 minutes after birth, then are you even OK in life? Like seriously it’s not hard to bounce back into shape. Yes, you have a newborn baby to look after, maybe other children too. Maybe you have a house to clean and food to cook or maybe you even have to go back to a job, but stop being lazy Susan. You’re an embarrassment to womankind and we’re going to make you feel super bad about that. We’re also going to fill our pages with “hot celeb mums” who’ve had absolutely no problem getting back to their 18-year-old figure. (We’ll just forget to print about the personal trainer, personal chef, live in make up and hair stylist, nanny and personal assistant who’s sole responsibility is to drop kick the big mac out of your hands. Whereas you’re living off 4 minutes of sleep, a cold coffee and a best mate who actively encourages 3am maccies binges)
Fad diets are super fun!
No they are not. This is a bigger lie than “you’re the only girl I talk to”. Yeah, all right then hun. It is physically impossible to get a flat stomach in less than 3 hours. Do not believe their lies. Fad diets are hell on earth. It’s like your participating in the hunger games, and if you do manage to lose any weight, it’s always your boobs that volunteer as tribute. It’s never the stomach or hips is it?! Or the double chin you’ve been trying to shift since you were 12. And yeah, as a matter of fact, it does feel like the effing hunger games, because all you’ve eaten in the last 72 hours is the skin of a lemon dipped in triple filtered water which results in you fantasizing about murdering everyone in sight in the most brutal way possible. Don’t try and tell me hunger isn’t an emotion. The worst thing is, in the end you aren’t even as hot or as funny as Jennifer Lawrence. Basically, there’s no point. So ring your good friends down at Dominoes, and order the family feast for 1 because pizza is the root of all happiness.
Your only goal in life should be to have inflamed baboon arse lips.
Kylie Jenner should be your god. And your measurement of worth on this earth should be the size of your lips. However, over line them and you’re going straight into the circle of shame.
Healthy recipes are super easy and cheap.
All you need is Quinoa that’s been grown high up in the sacred mountains of China by blind nuns. A gallon of red wine that was produced by Jesus himself and the methane gas bottled straight from the anus of a unicorn. Listen, I may have the lifestyle of J-Lo on Instagram but I’m working on a LIDL budget, so if we could just adhere to that, then that’d be greaaaat.
Wrinkle is a dirty word.
I know we all don’t like to think about it but as time passes, weirdly enough, we age. Over a females lifetime she will laugh, cry and get angry, and as a result, the signs of this will show on her face. It’s what gives us character. However, to look old is a sin and you should try and halt the effects of time as much as you can. Once again, your worth on this planet is in how well you can keep your skin wrinkle free. Don’t sleep with your face on the pillow. Use creams that will pump in ingredients that we cant even pronounce. Get yourself down to Harley street and numb all your nerve endings so people don’t know whether your smiling or if they should call an ambulance as it looks like your suffering from some sort of stroke. Either way, a line free face should bring you eternal happiness. If it doesn’t, then you need to re-evaluate your life.
On a serious note, enjoy your weekly mag but if you wanna eat the cake. Eat the cake. You want less wrinkles? Swerve the sunbeds. Just don’t let a magazine make you believe you’re less sassy than you are. You just do you boo boo.
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