Posted On: 12/10/2015
By: Chloe Webster
Being single can be boss; no one to answer to, no one to judge you for finishing an entire yard of Jaffa cakes and no one to shave your legs for. Bliss. However being single can also be a crushingly depressing, self esteem zapping state of eternal hopelessness and there are certain things people do that don’t make that any easier…
Couple Instagram posts
If I see one more super extremely filtered photo of a couple in bed with the caption “Goodnight from us, we’re going to “sleep” wink wink nudge nudge” *pauses to violently gag* I’m going to have to punch myself in the face to distract me from this display of repulsiveness.. This needs to stop right now. In no way does anyone want to see you in bed together, I’m sorry they just don’t. You’re not Brangelina, you’re Steve and Aimee from Bolton. It’s going to be a real shock to the system when we dig to the centre of the earth and you find out you aren’t in fact it.
Couples having to be constantly touching at all times
Now, I’m an affectionate person, and I can appreciate that holding hands, a stroke of the hair or a hand on the lower thigh is a lovely gesture. However having to constantly be touching each other is a gross misconduct of PDA. Also, if the pavement requires single file traffic, release each other’s hands for 3.5 seconds so other people can safely pass you. Don’t worry, I’ll just be pushed onto the road into fast on coming traffic so you two can feel eternally connected to each other through your palms. No honestly don’t worry, my life as a single is nowhere near as important as yours, I say as I’m getting body slammed to the hood of a large people carrier.
Let’s be honest, we know Valentines Day was invented by Hallmark because of a dip in the profits between Christmas and Easter. However, the “just had flowers delivered to work!!!” or two half filled champagne glasses with the caption #soblessed just highlights the fact to single people that they cant even get a text back. I’m not prepared for a “holiday” to make me feel as worthless as a double cheeseburger in the hands of a vegetarian. Stop being tacky and stay humble people.
So you have a super important event happening, they know it really means a lot to you but your mate comes up with the most pathetic excuse for not attending. “Reaaaaallly sorry but Gary’s nans cousins pet goldfish had a cardiac arrest so we cant come”. Are you alright?! Like, are you OK in life?! You know for a fact they’re staying in and watching 9 episodes of breaking bad, because they can’t bear to watch it without each other as they both suffer from a raging case of co-dependency.
The sorry face you get when telling people you’re single
This always happens when meeting new people, or starting a new job and usually comes from people who are in perfect relationships. “So do you have a boyfriend?” “Nah I don’t” * insert really patronising facial expression, like you’ve just told them your puppy got run over* Nice long silence and you feel the need to reel off reasons as to why you’re single, Like a serial murderer protesting their innocence. “ Well I’m sure you’ll find someone soon”. Woah woah woah, I know I can find someone, don’t give me them judgey eyes, just because I haven’t settled for an Ian Beale look a like (Soz Ian) who treats me like a 3rd option. It’s my own choice that I’m single. Sometimes it feels like less hassle to just make up a boyfriend so that everyone feels more comfortable.
Girls night out
Trying to get your bezzie (who’s in a long term relationship) to come on a girls night out is like trying to get a gobshite to commit. It just isn’t going to happen. The thought of having to pay for their own drinks instead of getting their fella, who wants to increase his chances of getting lucky that night, sends them into a tizzy. Did you learn nothing from Destinys Child Survivor album? “The shoes on my feet, I bought um, the clothes I’m wearing I bought um”. On the rare chance that they do agree to come out, they’ll spend the entire night on their phone having an argument with their fella and say they wanna go home as soon as the sweet release of a chilled white wine hits your lips. You’ll then spend the taxi ride consoling her but she’ll direct Gary the taxi driver to her fellas house! Oh cheers, whilst you go home to a night with your boyfriend, the only thing I’ll be waking up to is grease sodden pizza box and no one to hold my hair back whilst the vodka Redbulls wreak havoc on my poisoned system. Nice one.
The single stigma
If you brush your teeth, wash your hair, can hold a conversation and haven’t been a guest on Jeremy Kyle, people are always shocked to find out that you’re single. And then the puzzlement in their eyes fades and they have a light bulb moment. “Ahh you must be a psycho then”. It’s the only logical explanation. You can’t be somewhat good looking, hold down a job and have a boss personality and still be single. Just doesn’t happen. You’ve got to be the crazy psycho ex we always read about in Instagram memes. You might as well have a big sign above your head saying “stay clear, I will key my name into the hood of your car and make your life a living hell until you take me back” In turn, the more you try and explain that you aren’t in fact a psycho, the more you look like a psycho. The lady doth protest too much…. Just leave them confused… at least you can work the mystery angle to your advantage.
How weirdly comfortable couples are doing gross things in front of each other
Please do not go into detail about how cute you think it is to pop each other spots. (I feel another violent gag attack coming on) This is completely unacceptable behaviour and in no way is it cute or funny at all, it’s actually super offensive and you need to take a long hard look at your life please. The same goes for thinking it’s OK to tell us about your other half’s bowel movements/ illnesses/ ingrown toenails. Stop it, just stop it right now. These are subjects that should be strictly kept between 2 people. Nobody else wants to know and my gag reflex would greatly appreciate it.
Keep it sassy…
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