I pride myself on living my life by a number of standards, I like to dress well, treat others well, be healthy and I hope, live my life like a more or less decent person. However, having been pregnant twice I can confirm that any set of standards or morals you may hold prior to becoming the size of a house, will disappear out of the window. I don’t know if it’s the hormones, the tiredness or just the all-round weirdness of growing a human but here are the 9 things you do when pregnant that would never be acceptable at any other time.
- You lose any sense of embarrassment or shame. Prior to becoming pregnant I used to be fiercely private about my body, never visiting the doctors unless I really had to. Smear tests used to induce extreme anxiety, to the point of me actually considering going in drunk just so I would release my vice like grip on my legs and ‘flower’, and allow the speculum (ewww worlds worst word!) to get up there without needing to be cranked up to full on pain level. It’s all change once pregnant though, you let every man and his dog up there without a second thought, one finger, two – hell get right up to the cervix and put half your arm up there – really, I don’t mind – as long as everything is alright. Really though WTF? It’s a bit weird, especially if you were to ever bump into any of these people in Tesco at a later date.
- Over bump jeans become not just acceptable, but the best god damn invention ever. They are ugly though. I remember reaching up to get a tea cup and my friend caught a glimpse of the mammoth waistband and actually went on and on about it for years after. She couldn’t believe it. (I never told her I carried on wearing them for 6 months after having the baby – I think she would have passed out)
- You consider it acceptable to totally overshare. Poo, discharge, weight gain, nipple size and colour (they were like quarter pounders) wind, haemorrhoids, constipation you name it. A pregnant lady will fill you in on all of these, talking at length about the most personal of body functions – mucus plug anyone???
- It’s acceptable to sit in McDonalds with three meals to yourself and you convince yourself its ok as the baby obviously ‘needs’ it and one is a chicken salad. With absolutely no shame or guilt you will happily pour 10 pots of sweet curry sauce over everything and devour it in minutes. And the best thing – being pregnant means no guilt.
- It’s ok to eat strange things. My main craving during both pregnancies was citrus, so not that strange but when I was pregnant with my son I remember wanting odd combinations of food. My best one (and still fondly remembered) was cherry tomatoes, gherkins and milky bar buttons – oh the joy!!!.
- You happily, and successfully give up wine and gooey cheese. Never, ever acceptable at any other time.
- You feel like its ok to fall asleep at work, a cheeky little ten mins here and there – and woe betide the person who tries to stop you. Throw that pregnancy legislation at their ass.
- You consider it acceptable to carry a rage and hatred like no other towards people who say shit like ‘better get used to not sleeping’, ‘not long now’ and the worst ever – ‘Are you still pregnant?’ Yes I am and I am currently planning your slow and painful demise. This is not acceptable at any other time, unless of course you are a psychopath or want locking up.
- You rejoice in wearing the ugliest shoes ever. You fight this with all you might until one day, 8 months pregnant with legs and feet 3 sizes bigger than you remember you dribble at the sight of a Marksies ‘footglove’, wide fit with a slim line wedge. Even if they don’t go with your outfit you wear them anyway. On the days you are feeling especially sexy and stylish you can match these with some support stockings, usually reserved for pensioners who have had a varicose vein removed. Awful, just awful.
But you know, pregnancy is great for these reasons, you can get away with things you couldn’t before and you don’t even care what anyone thinks because it is such a special time. To all you preggo ladies out there you stand proud in your shit shoes with sauce dripping down your tunic, tell everyone about your piles and enjoy every last minute until you get the best gift ever.