Posted On: 10/12/2015
By: Lucy Evans
By the time we hit our late twenties / early thirties, most of us have fallen in love at least once, even though those early loves were never going to last. As you get older though (and hopefully wiser), you like to think you have more discerning taste in men and that when you find a fella and fall in love, it will be for keeps.
Falling for a fella is the most amazing feeling you could ever imagine but we never really question why we fell in love in the first place or that we could be falling for the wrong man.
Here are the five most common types of men you may unwittingly fall for:
The caveman
You think a tall, well built or even muscular chap is a man who can provide and protect – whilst us girls may have wanted and needed a hunter-gatherer type thousands of years ago, times have changed, however some of us still have the cave-girl instinct and unconsciously pick men based on these physical traits. Providing and protecting in the modern world is somewhat different – can your fella provide everything you’ve wished for in life? And can you hand on heart state that he will be there to protect you, look after you, or rescue you at any time you need him? No matter how independent we are, we all need a man we can truly rely on!
The vulnerable victim
Generally speaking, women have a nurturing and if a fella is showing any form of vulnerability, insecurity or needs assistance in any way, we have an urge to jump in with our help and support – that’s just what we do because we’re fab like that! We want to be the one girl who can help and fix them as it gives us a purpose and makes us feel loved and needed. The more you invest in helping him, the less likely it is you’ll give up on him as he makes you feel like he can’t actually survive without you. Just remember, this vulnerable victim has managed perfectly well on his own before you came along and will continue to do so if your relationship doesn’t work. Are you using this relationship to boost your self-esteem? Maybe you want to prove that you’re not like everyone girl who has come before you? It’s not your job to fix / rescue him or become his carer / therapist! Do you want to be that girl who settles for him out of guilt or obligation? Chances are he needs a friend rather than a lover; you’re just throwing in the benefit of having sex with him as well.
The overgrown boy
This is a similar female trait to our caring nature – we all have a mothering nature too (apparently it comes to all girls at some point in their lives). Basically if your fella is like an overgrown toddler – you come running whenever he needs you, you cuddle him whenever he throws a tantrum or the slightest thing has upset him, and you just can’t figure out his moods – you end up doing anything to appease him and you start mothering him. Are you mistaking this maternal type of love for romantic love? You’ve become his mother not his lover. Swerve.
The white knight
If you find a man who openly talks about love, marriage and children from an early stage in your encounters, your brain kicks into overdrive and you automatically start to picture your man as marriage and father material. You assume that because he wants those same things as you, that he absolutely must be the man for you – just because you both want those same things right now, doesn’t make you right for those things with each other! This is classic “wrong man at the right time” Also, did you know that if a man says he loves you, you’re likely to say it back reflexively even if you don’t feel it – and the more you say it, the more you start believing you feel it! Do you love being in a relationship more than you love the man you’re in it with? Are you settling for him because he’s there and available? Are you panicking that time is running out to settle down?
The prize
We can be competitive creatures; competitive with ourselves and competitive with others. We hate losing! A man that starts out as someone who you couldn’t be arsed with suddenly becomes the man you chase when you feel him slipping away – your competitive streak spontaneously kicks in and you don’t want to lose. You simply want what you can’t have. You become the chaser when he blows cold, and he becomes the chaser when he blows hot – it’s a never ending cycle. If you don’t really want him that much when he is available for you, maybe it’s the game itself rather than this man (the prize!) that you love?
Have you fallen in love with the right fella?
How do we know if we’re in the right relationship, with the right man, at the right time?
Here are 10 important questions to ask yourself
- Did you “love” or say you loved him before you actually really knew him?
- Are you in love with the way he makes you feel (or made you feel at the start), rather than actually in love with him as a person?
- Are you mistaking great sex / chemistry with love?
- Has he consistently treated you well throughout the relationship?
- Are you working towards the life goals you’ve discussed – living together, marriage, kids, or are things not actually progressing much?
- Is he truly the type of man you thought you’d see yourself in love with? Don’t compromise your fundamental criteria!
- Do you have similar lifestyle goals?
- Where do you realistically see your relationship in 5 or 10 years? Is that what you really want?
- Does he easily fit in with your family and friendship group without you needing to change him at all? I don’t mean being nice and generally making conversation (anyone can do that!), he should be able to slot seamlessly and comfortably into your world. Your family and friends have been important people for years and they should continue to be so.
- Do you find yourself confused with him or the relationship, or feeling that something isn’t quite right even if you can’t explain it, but you excuse it because you love him?
We’ve all loved a man who we knew deep down wasn’t quite right for us, and more often than not we just stuck with it because thre didn’t seem to be a specific reason to leave. But when we can’t shake the niggling feeling that something doesn’t quite add up then it could be time to concede. 2016 is just around the corner and there are plenty of men out there – don’t waste your time with the wrong man. We all deserve our perfect match!
XOXO
Lucy Evans
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